Hey,<BR>My upteenth post re intimacy - still frustrated, and I don't think it is getting that much better. Brief history - my H's A started in Dec '99 - our intimacy disappeared in late Feb, and didn't begin again til July - discovery was end of April, 2nd discovery in July, again in Oct, and Dec. H insists it is over, no contact since Dec. H has struggled - I have been the one initiating and wanting things to return to normal, if not better, but... H explained in counseling 5 - 6 mon. ago that he was feeling pressured, performance anxiety,etc. - asked me to give it time and be patient. I have tried lingerie, bought books, etc... basically, he does not get aroused beforehand. He used to kiss - no more; he used to act "into it" - now just basically "does it." I feel like the H here complaining about his W's lack of response and desire as that seems to be more common. I have been trying to be patient, but the only thing that has gotten better is that at least we are intimate - but only on his terms; I wanted it twice one weekend and was told that once was plenty!!!!!! Aaaarrgghhh!<BR>This has caused so many anxieties on my part: is there still contact? was sex better w OW? were they doing things H won't consider w me? has he lost his desire for me, does not find me attractive? - it has made me feel insecure in my ability to satisfy him, etc. It is making me crazy. I am wondering if this is fixable - tried to talk to him about it in a non lb way last night but he doesn't want to discuss it. Am I doomed to be in a passionless m? <BR>Help,<BR>S

PS,<BR>Any insight into what may be going on will be appreciated; I usually post in recovery.<BR>Thanks,<BR>s

I don't know how to help - all I can say is that I know it's hard (or isn't!! LOL!).<P>My WH had an incredible sex life, we are both very open minded and passionate and trusted each other enough to tell our darkest secrets and fantasies. He had an EA with another woman, which very briefly turned into a PA - but they only slept with each other once. She has stayed with her husband, but my WH has left me, they are still in contact via e-mail. My husband has told me that there was nothing wrong with our sex-life, that it was fabulous - but he has also told me that he feels no sexual drive at all at the moment, doesn't even think about it. He says that it certainly wasn't a sexual attraction with the OW and that he just came to realise that there were far more important things in life than sex. This is so totally out-of-character for him, as he has always had a very, very high sex-drive. I think the whole mess has far more to do with pressure of work and that he's suffered a 'burn out' and just wants to run away from as many responsibilities as possible. But where does that leave me? A month ago I was enjoying an incredible sex-life with my husband - now there is nothing. I dream about making love with him almost every night, and my dreams are so vivid and real that it's a real shock when I wake up and find he's not there. Add to that the fact that I've been working out, am down to 112lbs n the 'stress diet' and am feeling really, really good about my body and my looks and it hurts even more that this is all going to 'waste' while I wait for him to sort himself out. It's not fair - and I can empathise with you completely. Sorry I haven't got any solutions

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!<P>WS's are so mind boggeling sometimes...<P>Before my H started confessing his wanderings, sex was all he talked about, all he seemed to need from me. After everything came out and he started re-examining our marriage and the way he'd led his life up to that point, sex started fading into the background. <P>We are occasionally intimate. Sometimes a few times a week and then we hit another dip in the roller coaster and weeks pass before we are intimate again. I asked him recently what he does about sex during those "dry spells". He had after all spent years telling me how very, very sexually driven he is and that he absolutely MUST have it every single night. His answer the other night was that he is really not all about sex. Quite a turn-around. <P>I think my H mistakenly came to the conclusion that sex=intimacy. I believe that he knows better now. We were rarely "intimate" before and the sex was, quite honestly, really, really BORING. These days, when we are TRULY intimate, the sex is amazing. <P>I think that your H is trying to come to terms with his sexuality/intimacy issues. Guilt, depression, emotional turmoil, all can have devestating effects on our sexuality. Great that you tried to discuss it with him. A shame he couldn't talk about it. Maybe if you express your need to discuss this, how important this is to you...<P>Big Sigh.<P>I'm just brainstorming here. Hope you get some really good ideas soon!<P>Snow

sobelle, My H went from no sex for two years to hot sex leading up to and during A to withdrawal from sex after the A, punctuated by episodes of really intimate sex, though since A, he can rarely get an erection. <P>I know what you mean about feeling how men are "supposed" to feel about an unresponsive mate. I have no clue what to do about it. I have also tried to talk to my H about it, but he doesn't want to talk about it, gives evasive answers changes the subject, or gets defensive.<P>BTW, I don't post on recovery anymore because I don't really feel like we're in recovery. I was just very hopeful when he came home and started posting there, but stopped as things started to crumble...<P>Paintbox, I'm also at 112 pounds after losing about 35 pounds on the "infidelity diet." I'm walking every day now and feel the best I've felt about my body in years (had a mastectomy and reconstruction 2 years ago, so this is saying a lot). OW weighed 270, though I heard she's lost some weight since my H left her and came back home, so obviously weight or size isn't an issue for my H. He also said A wasn't about sex, that sex is better with us. <P>Snowwhite, your description of your current sex life sounds very much like mine. <P>This morning my H was in tears about missing the OW. She pages him several times a day. He was thinking of calling her H or her BIL to find out how she's doing because he's "worried about her." I suggested that every time he checks on her or calls her (since I assume he does and he didn't deny it) he makes it worse for both of them and for me as well. He believes she "zaps" him psychically several times a day, even when she doesn't page him. <P>I said it sounded like he was still on the fence, giving her the message that if things don't work out with us, then he'll be back with her. He denied this and said he's just "floating." I said that sounds like the same thing to me. After telling me all this, he said he was glad he could be honest with me because he didn't like hiding how he's feeling from the person he lives with. He says he's here because he feels safe - a good thing, I guess, because he used to say he only felt safe with the OW.<P>No solutions to offer either, just empathy and support.

Hey, PB, SW, and LST,<BR>Thank you so much for your responses!!!<BR>Are we a frustrated females or what? LOL (horney????) I appreciate your empathy and support!!<BR>H just called - I left him a couple of vm trying to explain my feelings - I also wrote him a letter. He said it sounds as if I am not happy - I told him that is not the case which I tried to explain - rather, I feel he may not have feelings for me....H said I am making too big an issue out of this, to which I said - try to put yourself in my shoes - how would you feel if I slept with another man and then did not seem to be turned on or interested in having sex with him(H)? That seemed to help - a little. Yet, he keeps telling me to relax - I said it is very hard for me since it is a top need of mine -I have tried to be patient. I told him it brings up a lot of anxieties re OW - he said absolutely not.<BR>Help,<BR>S

Sobelle,<P>I answered on your other thread. It may not be about you at all. It may be him dealing with the stress, and his age. That last thing is very frustrating for a man. So calm down a bit, he may not be able to do the things he did when he was younger, and the stress of the affair and rebuilding may have added to this problem.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hi Sobelle,<BR>Sex for years since my husbands affair was meaningless for me. I felt like a piece of furniture in our relationship - and it mirrored in our sex-life. Not that my husband physically didn't try. It took time! <P>Hang in there.<BR>TnT

JL,<BR> You are my "rock of Gibraltor" -thank you!!!! Yet, I am not entirely sure it is age as this did not develop til A. What do you think?<P>Tnt,<BR>Thank you for your support and encouragement! How long did it take for you?<P>God bless,<BR>S

It took a long time! But it took a long time for partial disclosure also.<P>I think the sex got better about 5 or 6 months after his partial disclosure. (if I am remembering correctly).<P>Point is? It DOES get better.....!!!<P>On the goal, on the goal on the goal!<BR>TnT

sobelle, I agree with others that the apparent lack of feeling may have more to do with them than us. I think it's true in my H's case. Although it's hard to hear, he's still missing OW. But, he's still here with me and, though he won't talk about commitment, he seems like he's feeling a little closer to me. <P>Last night he disappeared again. I found him this morning on our boat, alone. He just seems to get himself into moods where he has to be alone and brood. It's very hard on me, but probably not about me. Know what I mean?

LST,<BR>Have you had any indication from your H what he is thinking? He is really struggling, isn't he? Sounds as if there is major guilt. I am so sorry - please don't disappear, keep venting.<BR>I related about a magazine article re intimacy on my post on recovery if y'all want to read it - don't know how to make a thread that you can click on - sorry!<BR>God bless,<BR>S

Since you asked for guy<B>s</B> and I believe that JL is the only one so far, I'd better come in with my two cents .<P>Without having read a lot of your posts, my take is that Snowwhite has pretty well nailed the most likely reason. While we guys can generally enjoy sex with less regard than women to a need for emotional intimacy, it can certainly make a big difference for us as well. Furthermore, stress, guilt, and particularly pain in a relationship can really short circuit the male sexual response.<P>Physical causes are possible, major differences (like big weight gain) in your appearance, and any continued contact with OW could make a big difference. However, I think it highly likely that if your relationship is rebuilt to the point where he feels emotionally close to you then good to great sex will follow.<P>Steve

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sobelle:<BR><B><BR>...don't know how to make a thread that you can click on - sorry!<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>While composing a post, click on the "*UBB Code is ON" link on the left, or just go <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ubbcode.html" TARGET=_blank>here</A>, and read under the heading "URL Hyperlinking".<P>Steve<BR>

Steve,<BR>Thanks for telling me how to do links!!!!! That's great!<P>Responded to you on other post... but, I wonder if H's telling me to be patient and give it time is for these reasons: time for him to start getting over guilt, etc; time for him to feel emotionally safer with me - he has said that he thinks our m is better and getting stronger; time to get over his performance anxiety, etc...<BR>It is just hard on my part to wait - sexual frustration is not fun. Ha! He insists it is over w OW - I guess I need to believe him til proven otherwise, but this all causes nagging anxiety on my part.<BR>Thank you for your help, and I promise to drop in on your posts. <BR>S