I have posted my full story previously so I didn't know if I should repeat it...... My problem is my husband and I are just trying to get through each day. We don't even know where to begin with trying to work through things. We are going to joint counseling once a week but I feel like that is just skimming the top of all this. We agree that we need to talk through all these issues but don't know how and when to do that. I don't trust anything he says and don't feel like I can believe him about talking or maybe still seeing this girl. I don't know when he would see her but I still don't know what to believe. He tells me he isn't but then I get the cell phone bill and see he is still calling her. I don't know what to do or where to begin. I just know we are both unhappy and want to move forward...... I am sad all the time and just want to be happy again. I have alot of questions I am scared to ask because it causes so much tension. He keeps saying he wants it to work out but he isn't really doing anything.... he doesn't know what to do either. He keeps saying he is tired of all of it and the stress and doesn't think we can ever pull ourseleves out of this and that he has screwed up too big. His instinct is to just run and say we can't make it work now. I don't know what to do.... we have counseling today..... any advice on where to begin?

Call one of the Harley's. They are available for phone counseling. They can put you on a plan for recovery. That way you know what your responsibilities are and what his responsibilities should be. You will have some idea(s) of what to expect during the recovery process.<P>S&C

Thanks S&C..... have you done this? I had thought about it but then thought that it would take the full 55 minutes just to get them up to date on our situation and then it would go one forever..... in addition to our current counseling..... I think it is a good idea though so we can maintain somoe sanity... I wonder if you can email your story beforehand to save that time???

Here's the link for Harley counseling<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>phone counseling</A><P>This link will even tell you what to expect. I have done it. My W currently is not aware of my conversations with Steve. I too thought my story would take the whole time frame. It is amazing how much of the story he seemed to already know. I guess most of the stories have many of the same features.<P>Good Luck<BR>Keep me posted on your progress<BR>S&C<BR>(dave)<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited May 15, 2001).]

And be sure to mention it to your counsellor when you go today. He/she may have some valuable insight to share as well.<P>To start plan A, you have to do your best to avoid LB's as much as you possibly can, and be the best wife you can be (and probably should have been all along... I'm sure you've realized what your share in your situation was... so now's your chance to prove that you can change.. by doing it! grin).<P>Trusting your H will take a LONG time, and it will never be 100% ever again. He has to prove to you that he can be trusted (and it works both ways).<P>It's not at all fair, but you're going to have to work your butt off for a while, until he 'sees the light' (IF he does, I might add).. and only you can decide just how long you can handle that.<P>I wish you the best in this! (it's hard.. but if you put your mind to it, you can do it!!)<P>Karen<BR>

Thank you both..... I know I need to avoid LB's and I have been doing VERY bad at that. I bring it up all the time and get so mad.... I know he is getting more and more depressed and feels like we can never get past it. I only found out 2 months ago. I feel like this is all about what I need to do and what I need to focus on. My counselor talks about me attacking him, me trusting him, me being more intimate, etc. Then in the end what does he have to do - not sleep with other people, have other relationships or talk to them on the phone? I will be doing good with him and then get mad, think this isn't fair and just freak out. Thank you for the advice and I am going to try harder..... I think also call the Harleys as S&C suggested.