I'm married to an alcoholic, last year I made the horrible mistake of getting involved with someone else, briefly. After much hell on earth, were at a year now, he gets drunk yesterday informs me he can't get over it after things have been going great, I have done everything in my power to make up for it, I hate myself and what I did, God only knows how I regret it with everything in me, but does that give him the "right" to get drunk call me every filthy name, and throw the past up in my face? Just yesterday we were in church? Am I right in feeling in some way I've been just as devastated by the drinking and all that goes with it. He's the type that will ALWAYS use that against me, so am I an idiot for thinking we can work it out? I grew up with an alcoholic father, don't know why I married one but I did, and he knows full well I hate it, in our 5 yrs. of marriage, he's put me thru pure hell, and I feel prey to an emotional affair and knowing how he felt about it I got trapped into a full blown affair, and the emotional side of it was all I wanted, but I got involved with a real player and lost my mind. I feel like I don't care if I live anymore, God knows I'm sorry but what else can I do???

Welcome LT, and I'm sorry you have to be here.<P>Have you read all of the info on this site? If not, take some time to do so. Someone will be along shortly with links to all of the really important stuff.<P>Sounds like everyone at your place is hurting. My H is alcoholic, too, as were my parents (funny how we try to fix our birth families by marrying into them again...). I'm just coming to terms with that myself and am seeking out AlAnon -- takes a little shopping around to find the "right" group. Maybe you could do this for yourself also, if you haven't already. <P>Your H is also hurting deeply from the infidelity. As the Betrayed Spouse, I can tell you that one year is hardly a drop in the bucket of time... the hurt takes a long, long time to heal. Well, maybe not "heal" but become bearable. The wound can be so great and can be re-opened so easily sometimes that it will completely take me by surprise. I have had my fair share of angry outbursts (no alcohol involved on my part!) and have said some of those same things to my H, completely taking him (and myself) by surprise. The fact that he is holding on, not letting go through all of this and trying is what makes the "good weeks" possible. <P>Again, I am so, so sorry for what you and your H are going through. Read and post here and continue going to church since faith is sometimes all that gets us through the day.<P>Good luck to you!<P>Snow

ohmigod last Try I could have written your post. I too have been married five years to an alcoholic. And I too made the horrific choice to have an affair last year for the same reasons you mentioned. I regret my actions with every fiber of my being and never thought I was the kind of person who could inflict that much pain on anyone else. <P>But I was feeling so much pain myself I couldn't see any other way out. I wanted someone to tell me I was special and that everything was going to be okay. what I wouldn't have done to have that person be my husband. <P>I feel your pain. I also did everything I could to right this horrible wrong but my husband has now said after a year that he will never get over it no matter what I say or do. I think until the alcoholism is dealt with our marriage doesn't have a chance. I pray daily that he will someday realize this. We are separated now and discussing divorce. I wish you better luck than I've had and I hope you and your husband can find some peace.

Thanks Snow & especially Abovewater, I know the pain is awful for the spouse, you'd have to know a long story to see how my H is , this is playing right now as I type, he wanted his clothes packed up, so I did, now he's wondering why I don't want him to stay? So he has dumped his clothes in a pile and set them on fire! He's outside lurking around waiting for who knows what, if he can't stay sober and deal with this then I can't get thru to a drunk person! He keeps wanting to know why? and I don't have all the answers myself. In our 5 yrs. we've had alot laid on us, his dad died from comp. of a stroke in front of him, 6 weeks later mine got hit by a car and was killed, immediately we moved in with my mom to take care of her, he's 13 yrs. older than me so it's not like all this drove him to drink he's had 20 yrs. practice. I'm at my wits end on dealing with it, I love him very much, but there comes a breaking point.

Last Try - I can definitely relate to how difficult it is to try and deal with recovery from infidelity when there is alcoholism involved. It seems impossible - I understand completely where you are coming from when you say you feel like you've put up with a lot more hell from the drinking. It seems so unfair that I've put up with years of drinking, hurt, lack of trust, feeling numb and he can now use my indiscretion as an excuse to end the marriage. If you ever want to talk one on one feel free to e-mail me at lwd@cblhlaw.com. We seem to have a lot in common and maybe we can help each other.