I am interested to hear what things friends and family said to you (the betrayed,victim or whatever label fits best), that were hurtful, not the obviously nasty. I would like to print this out later as a resource for others that are friends of the "betrayed""THINGS NOT TO SAY"<BR>I will start....<BR>"There are two sides to every story"<BR>"You must admitt you know how to push his buttons"<BR>"Do you think it would help if you acted nicer"<BR>

"Don't be silly, ______ would never cheat on you!"<P>"But you two were separated."<P>"You can't keep thinking about it."<P>The worst thing someone could say to the betrayed? Absolutely nothing. (This is assuming they knew about the EMR.)<P>belld

"I wouldn't put up with that...."<BR>"Throw in the towel"<BR>"I know a good attorney"<BR>

"Your marriage is over now. Forget about it."<BR>"Why are you so upset? Lots of marriages break up these days."<BR>"How can you still love him? He's treating you like a slave. Get out and move on."<BR>"I told you so."<BR>"You should have never married him."<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by trustntruth:<BR><B>"I wouldn't put up with that...."<BR>"Throw in the towel"<BR>"I know a good attorney"</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>>>>><P>These are the ones I heard. My family was all very supportive of the maraige remaining together but only one of my friends was. Ironically this friend had cheated on her H several years before. But she was the one who knew firsthand that marriages could be saved and be even better than before. When all was said and done though, only one person still had the "dump him" attitude (a guy). All of my female friends admitted that they would have tried to save the marriage too. For most of them they realized though that they wouldn't have been able to handle Marriage builders type methods. They didn't understand how I could restrain myself from slapping him and screaming at him when he was in the fog and did some of the things he did. Naturally that's the hardest part.<BR>

"You've got to teach her a lesson!"<BR>"Have you thought about having an affair?"(suggestion)<BR>

=<p>[This message has been edited by GraceLeigh (edited June 01, 2001).]

One of the most hurtful, harmful things said to me came from a former friend and serial OW:<P>"If he wanted to be with you, that's what he'd choose."<P>Ouch. Like I need help figuring out the obvious.<P>belld

What did you do to make him cheat over and over?<P>Maybe you should lose some weight?<P>She (the OW) is obviously hurting, cut her some slack.<P>I never thought you two would make it.

I must have the same family as Terrified LOL! I had to get quite nasty with my parents in the end, because they kept coming out with 'We'll never ever forgive him for this', and 'I knew it was a mistake when you married him' (Yeah, right - we've been going strong for 20 years for goodness sake!!). It's one of the reasons I've decided NOT to go back to England on holiday, I don't want 2 weeks of that sort of c**p from my parents! When my husband said that he didn't want to see my parents because of all the resentment and anger they felt toward him, I told him straight that "I know where my priorities lie, and it's certainly NOT with my parents, if they say ANYTHING to you or the kids that is upsetting then they'll have me to deal with"<P> Paint

Wow arent friends and parents great!<P>Add these<P>Well if he hurts you again, you'll have to deal with it cause I cant.<P>You deserve someone so much better.<P>You need to move on, you dont know how unhappy you are.<P>Think about that you are teaching your children that A's are ok.<P>We all thought you knew, Its been going on for quite sometime but I wasnt going to tell you.<P>We wondered what you waiting for / why you didnt throw him out.<P>Well I hope it works out for you. - More tone of voice than words = wish it was never said to me.<P>

top<BR>comments from the betrayers family!! are the worst.

Well, I have friends tell me that <B>they</B> were offended that I hadn't come to them or tell more. Like hello, you know were I am & maybe I just need not to talk about to everyone I know.

In the early stages his mom said to me<BR>"well, he said he has been unhappy for a while. Maybe they are just friends"<P>Men friends of ours "well, now you have to do what is best for the kids and move on"<P>His sister "well, it will be hard to watch another brother have to file and go thru bankruptcy because you have a way to support yourself" That one really hurt. I am SAHM for 5 years with a now 3,4,5 year old. <P>It is very interesting how "the rest of the world" deals with people's infidelity. I find it is almost as cruel as what they WS is doing. If H was dead, sympathy and help would be abounding, but since he is just unfaithful, living with OW, left his family in financial hardships, it is okay. <P>I also find that you begin to see "the real" sides of people during hardships in life.<P>Hopelessmom

top<BR>

As a WS, I am not really qualified to answer your query. But I thought it was the perfect opportunity to say what WS hate to hear from the BS:<P>1. How could you do this to me? (as if ONLY the affair caused the breakdown to the marriage and they themselves are blameless); or<P>2. I hate you. (Well, duh, like we didn't feel that way in the first place);<P>Please understand that I am neither trying to justify nor rationalize an affair. Contrary to my actions, I believe they are morally wrong and not good for any relationship. But, I understand what may provoke them, and from my perspective it is not always a totally one-sided selfish act.

Dear New Voyager, I threw both of those lines at my WS when I first found out and I know both are LB's BUT...I definitely do not consider myself blameless in the breakdown. However, there are many other ways to deal with marital problems. Infidelity, in my mind, is selfish and much EASIER than dealing/confronting the problems, don't you think?

Dear Terrified, no, I do not think that an A is easier than dealing with/confronting the marital problem in all cases. I acknowledge that my individualized circumstances may be different than others (my H refused any intimate contact after 5 miscarriages in our first 3 years of marriage because he was afraid of hurting me.) I know that it was a much more difficult decision, for me, to decide (a conscience choice) to have an A than it was to talk to my H and a (no good) marriage counsellor about my needs not being met in the marriage. But the other thing that I have noticed, although you down play it, is that although BS sometime acknowledge their role in the breakdown of the marriage, it seems only to be a small role and not a significant contributing force. The manner in which the query is posed: how could you do this to me, seems to deflect any personal responsiblity for the breakdown on the marriage. Understand that I believe only the WS is responsible for the decision to have an affair (yes, I believe it is a conscience decision). But the breakdown of the marriage, I think, is a two-sided street.<p>[This message has been edited by NewVoyager (edited May 17, 2001).]

Perhaps you should READ before you make accusations against we who have been betrayed - we DO take responsibility for our part in the breakdown of our marriages. HOWEVER, we did not choose to have an affair.<P>This thread is not the place to read if you want to discover what we are all about. This thread is truly designed to provide a way to vent and share some of the very truly hurtful things we have heard from friends, family, and acquaintances. No, we are not going to post about our marital responsibilities here - that is for other threads and other times. Read them.<P>It is very hurtful to me when I see posts accusing us of not admitting our own fault - we do - many of us beat ourselves up regularly for not being the perfect spouse. But you know what? At any point just prior to or during his affair, my H could have said "Hey - we need to talk. I'm not happy and I want to find a way to be happy in our marriage." Did he say anything like that? Nope. But apparently he said plenty to the OW! And took and took and took from our marriage and from me causing a vicious spiral into separation and probably divorce... Was I perfect? No. Did I do things I regret? Yes. But, you know what? I didn't cheat. I didn't throw every value I was raised with into the trash and lose my family and any friends with decency - HE did that.<P>I'm sorry if this is sounding mean, but what you said just pushed my buttons.<P>sb

S-Buster, contrary to my general manner in dealing with such things, this time, I will respond in aggravation. Read? I did read...every article and most posts on this site BEFORE I decided to contribute. Yes, four months of reading before one post...maybe you should try the same. Second, I did not and would not make any accusation against anyone who has been betrayed (hurt is a universal feeling, and I understand it all to well). I spoke of my individual circumstances, and the generalized impression I got from READING the posts before saying anyting--and my posts say as much. I said that to say this: I don't know why you are striking out at me, but your anger is misplaced. And if you care for your marriage at all, your anger will not serve you well as a conduit to express your true feelings. And that's all I am going to say about the matter.