Work it out or end it was what the psychiatrist that I had OS to for ADD testing said. If he were ADD that would be just a small part of his problem. <P>His biggest problem is living with his parents. She said we are killing him & he is acting out because of it. We, as a family need help now & that there is no more waiting & seeing what happens. <P>I came out of this meeting feeling like the worst mom on the face of the earth. I am not strong enough to control my son, he talks me out of things, and he gets around me. She feels he needs more structure & discipline.<P>In telling my H part of this, he, as always goes I traveled too much. I wanted to shout it is the A. I told you it would destroy him, but I didn't.<P>After mentally beating myself up all night & my H too, I realized there is a 3rd person who has fault in this also.<BR>The OW, even when my H has tried (not very hard) to break off, she calls & calls etc. She accused me of using those "poor boys" to try & hold my H. I let that statement keep me from telling my H some of things that were going.<P>My son has made some very bad choices but 3 adults have played with his life & now he is a crisis situation. This lady scared me. I feel my son is hanging by a thread over the Grand Canyon.<BR>

Sing,<P>You need more support, I'm not sure how you can get it. But, I know that the whole situation right now is not gonna get better until YOU get better. YOU are the rock of gibraltar for your family, and for your son, and for your marriage.<P>I know you feel like the affair is to blame for everything that is wrong right now. I have read that an affair hurts the BS more than any other thing that could ever happen in life, more than the death of a child. I don't know if that is true, because I haven't experienced the death of a child, but I do know it is an acute pain that is deeper than any other pain I have ever experienced.<P>Sometimes when it is that bad, the affair seems to be an umbrella of blame. It is a real challenge to hold it all together, when you are the only sane one in the bunch - and you are the one that is suffering the most.<P>But you must, and you can. I believe with God's help, we can get past ANYTHING. I believe that you need support, and you will get it, because the Lord knows you need it. I know you are a Christian, and I am asking the Lord for favor for you. <P>You need some healthy boundaries for your own emotional well being - you need to only deal with issues that you must deal with, starting with the basic needs for human existance - for you and your son. Decide which issues go on a shelf, and which issues don't. You must survive. You don't have to take all of these issues on at the same time. <P>God Bless You<BR>TnT<P>

sing,<P>It's bedtime for me in Houston, but I'll say a prayer for you and your OS.<P>Does the psychiatrist know about the real circumstances in your family? Sure seems like an opportunity to have someone else educate your H about the results of his decisions, but how to orchestrate this without being seen to I'm not sure.<P>I'm sorry you feel so much guilt. We all fail our kids at times, but I don't think your failings are likely to be such that you should beat yourself up. Seems like you're catching the brunt of a lot of blame, whether from others or just yourself. Remember that there is another enemy beyond just the 3 adults who may have varying degrees of responsibility here. Perseverance in faith is so important (probably preaching to myself more than to you ).<P>Hang in there.<P>Steve

Hey <B>Steve</B>,<P>Thanks for the prayers. <P>Yes, I was pretty open with psychiatrist about everything. How much I thought my son knows, about his sneaking out drinking, the only thing I wasn't up front was possible drug use, but she is on the Teen Task Force here, so I assume she knows that also.<P>Because of our messed up family & my son not saying anything about it, is one of the reasons she thinks he is in major crisis, that he is on the edge, that the choices he is making now will/are impacting his whole future. She sees his non school work, his behavior problems as a direct result of being in the middle of his dad & I, even if there is no open conflict in our home. The fact we don't sleep in the same room, we have not gotten closer, all these are hurting him & he is acting out because of it.<P>The other main problem is that we say things & not follow through, especailly me. My son has been able to talk me around his whole life but till now he has never done anything bad.<P>If he is arrested in Singapore they can hold him for 48 hrs without him being able to contact us or the embassy. He has no rights. Everytime he leaves the house I wonder if I will see him again, when I open the door to his room in the mornings I wonder if he will be there. but just taking him out of here is not the answer, he can find all these things easier in the states, & he could be driving or in the car with some who is driving.<P>You are right the devil is behind this & it looks as if he winning.<P>Steve, you have been posting alot but I may have missed any updates with you, so how are you. Know that you are in my prayers also<P><I>your former ft bend countian (is there such a word) Sing</I><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by StillHers:<BR><B>sing,<P>It's bedtime for me in Houston, but I'll say a prayer for you and your OS.<P>Does the psychiatrist know about the real circumstances in your family? Sure seems like an opportunity to have someone else educate your H about the results of his decisions, but how to orchestrate this without being seen to I'm not sure.<P>I'm sorry you feel so much guilt. We all fail our kids at times, but I don't think your failings are likely to be such that you should beat yourself up. Seems like you're catching the brunt of a lot of blame, whether from others or just yourself. Remember that there is another enemy beyond just the 3 adults who may have varying degrees of responsibility here. Perseverance in faith is so important (probably preaching to myself more than to you ).<P>Hang in there.<P>Steve</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><p>[This message has been edited by sing (edited May 16, 2001).]

Hi <B>sing</B>,<P>I'm a Harris countian (W Houston, but not out to Katy), and if there's not such a word as "countian" there should be .<P>I think you're right in seeing the need for following through. My two are basically good kids (boys about to be 6 & 12, respectively), but they will push for their way. Have you ever checked out <A HREF="http://www.personalitytype.com" TARGET=_blank>this site</A> ? It's about MBTI personality types and they have books with keys for relationships and child rearing based on MBTI types. I have the former book, <I>Just Your Type</I> and am planning on ordering the latter <I>Nurture by Nature</I>. Might be worth checking out for you in giving you some ideas of how to reach OS.<P>As for the update, well my basic story is in the Profiles thread. In the months since I posted, I'd say we've had slow but mostly steady progress. I'm still basically doing Plan A type behavior hoping that in time we can have the type of relationship that I want. It's not nearly there for me yet, but I'm still trying.<P>Also, I'm quite busy. We just bought a car, I'm looking for work, and the kids are in baseball seemingly every night.<P>Anyway, thanks for asking and for praying, and keep that evil sing at bay . The last is a reference to your comment on the other thread which had me LOL.<P>Steve<P><p>[This message has been edited by StillHers (edited May 16, 2001).]

<B>Steve</B>,<P>The notorious Katy Freeway, I am more of the SW Freeway kind of gal, Look out 1st Colony Mall, I am coming home soon!!!! The local retail economy should pick up soon! <P>My OS & I have list of favorite restaurants that we are looking forward to eating at starting with Chili's (they have them in Malaysia but the one hear closed ) 2 Richmond landmarks <I>Larry's & The Swinging Door</I>. We are most likely hitting everything from the <I>Taste of Texas, (is that the name of that wonderful place on the Katy freeway, where you can pick your own steak or seafood) all the way down to Golden Corral (barf city, my own special name for it)</I>. Have I made you hungry yet?<P>I'll check out that link, but I have such a hard time answering those types of questions, I can never quite decide.<P>Glad that you are doing well, slow but steady wins the race.<BR>Good luck with the job hunt.<P>While I have never done Little League in TX, always did the Y; there is nothing more serious in Houston that Little League unless it is football.<P>It is time for me to go check on that Astros score.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by sing (edited May 16, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by sing (edited May 16, 2001).]

Sing and Steve - <BR>Reading your posts and we are all in Houston area - a get together to vent????<BR>S

sing - I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. I had to take a break, as you know.<P>I can't add any advice from what you've already gotten. I just wanted to say that I admire you and I'm pulling and praying for you. Please keep being the Rock of your family.<P>Dave

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by trustntruth:<BR><B>I have read that an affair hurts the BS more than any other thing that could ever happen in life, more than the death of a child. I don't know if that is true, because I haven't experienced the death of a child, but I do know it is an acute pain that is deeper than any other pain I have ever experienced.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>TNT, as you may know, I have experienced both and I can say without a doubt that the betrayal was far worse for me than the death of my son. The individual circumstances may determine if this is the case for others. For me, maybe it was partly because the death was expected and the betrayal was not. But I think the biggest reason was that there was rationality and logic available to help cope with my son's disease - there was no rationality or logic for my wife's behavior. Does this make any sense?<P>WAT<P>

<B>sobelle</B>,<P>Not to speak for her, but sing is in Singapore, but lived in Houston. She has indicated that she may be returning to the States. I remember several from Houston who used to post on EN and may still lurk, and one fellow who posted a while back (maybe in JFO). persistant in EN and out of the fog in D/D are also from here. I know of a fair number from other parts of Texas also.<P>As long as it wasn't one on one with a member of the opposite sex, I'd enjoy meeting fellow Houston MBers. Anyone interested can email me at smmcse@yahoo.com. For some of the others a post may be required, since not everyone lists an email address.<P><B>Dave</B>,<P>What you say makes a lot of sense. It's the lack of closure, plus the fact that this is supposed to be an even closer relationship than parent-child.<P>My older brother, who was the closest thing to a father figure that I had while growing up, died suddenly about a year and a half ago. I grieved for about a month, and had some remaining sadness for a while thereafter. I found out about my wife's A a couple of months later.<P>Although we never separated, dealing with her A and attempting recovery has been much worse emotionally than losing my brother. Actually, for a while I had reached the end of my rope and was really for my marriage to end. After reaching that point, things weren't so bad. Trying again for a few months to recover is much harder. I care again, to some degree, and it is painful.<P>So I think that besides the fact that your spouse should be the closest person to you in the world, the fact that they chose this for you and the lack of finality for those trying to Plan A make it really tough. Add in the tendancy to reevaluate all our memories with our spouse in light of the betrayal and the pain is even worse.<P>Not that I can speak for your situation; I know that what you've been through is particularly rough.<P>Steve<p>[This message has been edited by StillHers (edited May 17, 2001).]