This is the first time for me to write, but I have spent the last three days reading what other people have written. I find it is draining for me to do this...mentally to read in detail about other people's feelings because I am going through many of the same things, but it is truly amazing to read that there are others out there.<P>I found out almost three weeks ago about my H's A. I walked in on it and was devasted - never knew it was coming. My H claims it was the first time that anything happened and I do tend to believe him. He wants to rebuild our marriage and hasn't talked to the OW (she has moved), but I just find it so hard. Some days I don't care at all and some days I want to work on it. <P>Before the A I would have never imagined the incredible range of emotions I could feel all at once and so intensly. Anger, hurt and confusion have completely different meanings now. I never had experienced them at the level I have the past few weeks.<P>For over 2 weeks I was just completely depressed and then I really made a big turn and had a wonderful weekend with my H. For a day it seemed like things were normal again. However, two days later it feels like I am back at the beginning again with all the hurt and anger. <P>He says wants to work at the marriage. He has apologized and says he isn't leaving. He tries to show me affection, but I find myself so unwilling to work like he is. I know it is because I am hurt, but is there a point when I am just dwelling on things too long and refusing to move on? <P>I have read His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair already and I KNOW where I didn't meet his needs. I was NOT supportive enough and I did not show him the admiration he needed. But, is it right for me to just deal with the pain first before moving on to work on the marriage or is that not the best way?<P>Thanks ahead of time.<BR>DT

welcome, sorry that you are here<P>go check this out, it will help you<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>read everything & then read it again. if your H will read anything that is great<P>call the Harely's, even if only for a 1 time session<P>go see your dr for med's if your emtions are so up & down<P>this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you, even if it was a one time thing, it takes awhile to recover, don't except mircales, just live day by day, & do the best you can<P>hang in there

Just wanted you to know that the emotions you are feeling are normal. It's been 7 weeks since D day for me. I'm on antidepressents now because I became totally non-functional by the third week or so. <P>Sing is right, this is the most terrible thing that has ever happened to me. It is really even worse then the still birth of my twins in 1986. You see, that was an act of nature. This was a deliberate hurt done to me by the person I trusted and loved the most.<P>So don't expect it to go away soon. From everything I've read it takes 2-10 years to recover from an affair.<P>With the antidepressents and the 7 weeks passing I am having more and more good days. But I am still crashing emotionally once or twice a week. And that's with a husband (WS) who is doing everything he can to be supportive of me emotionally.<P>So you hang in there. It's a rollercoaster ride. I've never really liked them anyway.<P>e

There will be many more ups and downs. Don't want to disappoint you, but be prepared--it does get better. <P>I've read so many times on this site that it takes 2-3 years to recover and it pretty much was for me, just over 2 years untill I quit crying daily--and that is with a truly remorsful H that really was trying. Now don't let that scare you off because it is so rewarding when you realize you are making it. My marriage now in many ways are much better than it ever was even before the tragedy.<P>Just know that we do understand how you feel and you can post here anytime you want. Especially if you want to gripe, do it here instead of LBing on your H. <P>Look at positives: (1) OW is no longer in picture (2) H realizes he made a bad, bad choice (3) H wants to repair marriage<P>Look to God and pray. He can heal so much more than us humans can. He is the only way I have made it.

Thank you all for your replies. I never did like roller coasters either! I know it will take time, but sometimes it just seems like more work than I want to do. How did your husband deal with all the emotions you had...was he always supportive or was it too much for him at times?<BR>

DT, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. The others are right, it is absolutely the worst pain I have ever experienced in my entire life - and I've coped with my 18 year old brother-in-law committing suicide. <P>My situation is a bit different to yours - The day I found out about the affair was also the day I discovered I was pregnant - my husband went out to dinner with the OW, leaving me sobbing my heart out at home because I had to cope with the horrendous pain of arranging an abortion. My husband had told me that he definately did not want another child. Although he stayed in the house during the termination, he moved out just a few days afterwards. My friends and family are all 5,500 miles away, back in England and I have never felt so completely alone, or in such despair, in my entire life. This was almost 5 weeks ago now and although I started to improve a little after the first 3 weeks, I finally admitted to myself that I needed to go on anti-depressants and went to the docs last Tuesday. My husband is very mixed up - on one hand he is pleased that the kids and I have decided to stay in America, in our house, for the next few months - but on the other hand he says that his feelings for the OW have not changed. (he isn't seeing her, but they are e-mailing each other several times a day - she is still living with her husband). He says that even if he and the OW don't end up together, he still wants to have a life of his own now, and that doesn't include me. It all sounds pretty hopeless - but I DO still have hope, from talking to him, his relatives and friends - and by analysing the conditions and events of the past few years - I have realised that all this mess has been caused by many different factors, all coming together at the same time. Any problems we had with our marriage is only a percentage of this, and I am hoping that he will see that if I give him time to sort out the other problems in his life first. Whether I can stay the course, keep strong for the next few months - or even years - remains to be seen. It's a very daunting task to set oneself, and I'm not getting any younger - part of me is screaming 'Get out now, go and find someone else - you deserve love and romance in your life'. But I still dream about him every night, I still love him, I still want us to spend the rest of our lives together - to grow old and see our grandchildren. I know that he is being incredibly selfish and cannot imagine how on earth he could possibly hurt me so much - th only thing that keeps me going is the belief that this is NOT something he can control right now, it's a sort of mental illness and I have to stand by him through it and hope for a cure.<P>You have a lot of hope to hold onto - and you have probably already forgiven him - but it's the forgetting that's hard isn't it? Accept that you will never forget what happened, but if you both work hard to create plenty of good memories and experiences with each other, then the bad ones will gradually sink to the bottom of the pile. They will always still be there - but hopefully won't emerge too often. It is still very early on in the pain - and time drags by so slowly when you're in pain that it's hard to see when it will ever end. It will get better - gradually and slowly, but it will.<P>Keep hanging in there and don't give up,<BR>(((((hugs))))), Paint