I want to write the OW. I know not a good idea but I would like to ask if she has any clue the pain & hurt she has caused not to me but my son. <P>That her not staying in the shadows, not letting my H go because thier love in so complete, I couldn't possible understand, by telling me I was using those "poor boys" to hold to my H, by her not letting my H go when he has tried, by her constant calling at different times, by not giving up my H what she has done.<P>I guess I just want her to know what she has done & to acknowledge her role in this whole mess. If my H & I deciede to end things she will be having to deal with this problem because it is not going away anytime soon. The way things are going my OS might choose to live with them, wouldn't that spoil are happy ending. <BR>

Sing - do it. But as hard is it may be, do not ***** or yell. State the facts, make her realize what she is doing is wrong and what the real consequences are.<P>If you just yell and *****, it will do nothing. If you are a nice person (as hard as it may be) and write/talk like a friend, believe me - if she has any morals at all - it will at least make her think.<P>This is what I did to my husband's OW. It was so hard, but at least I found out what was going on and I know she at least understands the impact of what she is doing. Not that it changed anything, but it made me feel better...

Sing,<P>Writing to OW may make you feel better while you're writing it but I doubt you will get the results you are hoping for. I wrote to OW. I told her the effects it was having on my 13 yr. son. and even on our other two older children. I had hope to reach her conscience but it didn't. Why? Because OW is in as much fog as WS.(this is what Steve Harley said to me) Nothing you say will penetrate the thick fog that they are living in now. My response from OW? "I have the right to be happy and no one has the right to take that away from me." Sound like a logical, reasonable, moral person with a conscience? No.<P>Writing the letter and getting her response just made me more frustrated and angry. You can write her if you want just don't do it under the illusion that it will have some kind of impact on her.<P>

I agree with the others that you should let him know the consequences of his actions. Talk to his family too. Helping him keep a secret will only help him do it. Talk to him about the problems in your marriage. Maybe even talk to the other woman. If she is married, talk to her husband.<P>What he is doing here is a deliberate action, very much in-your-face.<P>I've often wondered how the WS would react to this. (I am not seriously suggesting it - but just offering it as food for thought.) What if you were to tell him that his weekend with his "friend" was ok with you. And that since he was going to be away, you are going to go on a weekend of your own with some guy. Just a friend that you are going to share a hotel room with. I just wonder if this would shock them to their senses. I know my H said that it never even crossed his mind that i might cheat while he was having his affairs. He was secure in our relationship so he knew i'd never do anything like that to hurt him. Isn't that interesting?<P>Just my crazy mind at work.....<P>The others are right. <P>E

Sing,<P>I though about writing or calling many times. I knew the ow and we had been friendly over the years. But, I don't think you should do it. She won't care. She's part of your H's fog. She will use it against you. This could become a huge LB. Your H has to let her know that its over on his own. It's like you trying to stop your OS from doing the things he is doing now. He's not going to stop until he decides to. He may even have to bottom out. That may be what your H has to do. <BR>Think about it this way, Sing. If you provide a safe and loving environment and she is constantly pulling and tugging at him.....Which side will start to look better? What man likes to be badgered by a woman. He has agreed to put his "toe" in the water. That means he's not real sure about this other person. Start working your Plan A overtime. Let the letter idea go for now. I promise, you won't get the results you are looking for.<P>take care,<BR>cleo<P><BR>p.s. was it you that sent me to the Heartlight website? I get their daily verse and prayer and it has helped me tremendously. You should check it out.

Hi ladies.<P>I was never going to contact her; I would just like her to know but like one of you said she would think her happiness is what counts at all cost. If H tells her as much as he did, he should be pouring out all of this to her anyway. <P><B>Cleo</B>,<P>Glad you like the heartlight website & the dailies delivered to my mailbox everyday, most days there is something that really touches me or helps me get through the next 24 hrs. You all know how hard I have had getting through the next 24 hrs lately.<BR>

sing,<P>In the beginning, I wrote the OW many letters - some angry and abrasive, and some very pleading. What I came to found w/ my particular interaction with the XOW is that 1) while she might have cared about my feelings on some level, it really was all about her, and she was not about to back down from the EMR; and 2) she believed what my H told her.<P>It helps to write a letter to the OW, but instead of sending it, read it to yourself or read it aloud. Then burn it or tear it up. It's more cathartic than you think!<P>belld<P>

<B>Belld</B><P>I have written her many times in the last 2 yrs all unsent. I have only been in contact with her when she emailed me twice. I 1st forwarded to my H, then replied & then didn't answer her replies.<P>I only regret not sending one letter but I didn't. It was more in reply to one of her emails. <P><p>[This message has been edited by sing (edited May 16, 2001).]

Honey,<P>Yes, write it... then hold on to it. Don't send it. Wanna know why? She won't hear you, and your hard-fought words of pain and sadness will not make a bit of difference.<P>I would say to burn it, and I like that idea, but only when you're through wanting to let her know how you feel. In a year or two, when all this is over - then burn it. <P>I am all for contacting the OW under most circumstances, but not when it's gonna hurt your spirit. If you do decide to face her, I say go for face-to-face contact, if at all possible. Make her realize you are REAL, not just words on a page. I faced one OW of my ex's and it helped (still wanted to kick her a$$ though). She apologized, although she said, "He loves us both" - puke, eh?<P>(((((sing)))))

<B>NB</B>,<P>Thanks for the hugs.<P>Oh I will hold on to it. As you know now it would be hard to arrange a face to face meeting. There is this thing called the Pacific & half of the USA between us. <P>Her on the moon & me on earth is not far enough in my book, how about her in hell & me in heaven. <I>the evil sing is out again, down girl</I><P>I don't want to ever face her but she may have to face dealing with my OS. IF H & I ended it, he will go to her, & my OS problems are not going away.

Dear Sing,<P>I am going out on a limb and will probably be bashed for this but it sounds like you need to be in plan B not A. Your H has indicated he wants to come home but your needs and that of our children need to be protected. Talk it over with Jennifer or Steve. <P>As for contacting the OW, well as much as you know it is for everyone's benefit that you share your wisdom and knowledge with them (for all the right reasons), you are dealing with irrational people. What have you seen to make you think the OW is rational? The answer to this question will determine whether it is worth the effort to 'send' your letter. I say send because I believe it is ok to write it for your benefit. I wrote mine and even let H read it before I sent it. Yes, I sent mine but regret it since as you know I was dealing with a PB (psyco babble personality - who thought it was her right to take my H away from his family). <P>If I had any idea who I was dealing with, I probably would never have sent it. I thought she was a 'misled soul' due to my H's manipulations. In fact they both manipulated each other and used it against the spouses (especially me). I was blessed by their disgusting attention more than her H since I was the more vocal one (oh, and the laundry bag incident). Anyway, the one who needs to deal with your needs is not OW but your H. Really, that is where your focus and attention needs to be. See, you did not arrange for their meeting nor encourage it. So you really can not be the one to help break it up. Oh, yes on the outside of their relationship, you can be the thorn in their side by being the loving wife and mother. OW's hate that. Other than that, your H will have to break it off himself. Otherwise, he or OW will use you as the excuse and then once that hurdle is overcome, they may get back together again (using you as an excuse again). Stupid logic? Yes, but that is what they use in the fog, stupid logic. <P>Enough of my rambling for now. We'll chat later. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Hi Sing-<P>Here is my experience.<P>The OW in my case was my best friend for 5 years. We had so very much in common-sadly I didn't know how much until she messed up and we parted ways-I am sure I will never be able to replace her. It has been 2 years of trying to find someone with the same likes and dislikes to fill the gap she left-but so far nobody has popped up.<P>As families we did everything together-camped, trip to Disneyland, dinners at eachothers houses, watched each others kids................the lsit goes ona nd on.<P>I was consumed with what I felt I needed to say to her. But each time I thought about contacting her I got scared-afraid she would tell me lies to make herself look good and make my H out to be the whole cause of the A.<P>In October 2000 the OW contacted me via email. This was 16 months after D-Day.<P>I was so estactic. I had really missed her. She apologized time and again. I forgave her. But her H wanted her to ahve nothing to do with me as I was now a reminder of the A, a reminder of my H-who she says he never wants to see or even know he exists.<P>We wrote back and forth for 6 months. Things started going downhill. Each time I tried to mention something that hurt me or anything about the A she would go into a state of depression that she then blamed me for.<P>Our talks ended the end of March. I thought I could aprt ways with her knowing I tried and she at least heard the things I wnated to say. <P>Now I find myself woshing I had never been so quick to forgive-as I see now that again she used me. She wanted my forgiveness to ease her guilt. She does not nor did she ever care enough about me to make it worth my while to try saying anything to her.<P>It will eat you up-I can testify to that. I still ahve days where I want to say things to her-like how I feel now. But all in all it won't matter. It would make me feel good to be able to say it but then she would come back with all her wishy washy tales of woe.<P>Hang in there-and if you can just let it go.<P>You can do it!!!!<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

Just a thought......<BR> Sing What will YOU gain from writing the OW?<BR>I was rash and wrote to my H's OW and let me tell you IT backfired.<BR>not only was she nasty and cruel but also found servere delight in stalking me for 5 months.<BR>She did not show any remorse for her part in the affair nor where the questioned i asked answered...... Needless to say H got a quick reality check by her psycho behavior. But still in My experience contacting the OW will only cause more hurt and anger and possibly do more harm than good.<BR>Best of ZLuck to you<BR>OB

Sing,<P>How about this? I'll send you some of the e-mails I got my the OW to me. You will get an idea of where their mind is. In fact, I already posted some of her responses in a few other posts. Search under my name. It has been within the last 30 days. I am not saying all responses are like the ones I got but it might give you an idea. <P>Let me know. <P>L.<P>

Hi Sing:<P>The funny thing about confronting the OW is their complete oblivion as to the hurt that they are causing...so I think it might not make much difference. The reading I have done on this board relative to "hearing the other side" gives me the impression that all OWs are not the same. So if you think that your particular OW has a iota of moral fiber then appealing to that fiber might strike a cord in her.<P>I have never e-mail my H's OW, but I have confront her when she dared to come into the office while I was there and I got beer thrown all over me....so much for the fiber of H's OW. I also talked to her once on the phone while she was bawling about "he really does love you" but I think she was just drunk. Anyway, H's OW had a husband that ran around on her so she's well acquainted with the hurt that's involved...she just is too selfish to care now.<P>So do what makes you feel better....to the OW I don't think it will make much difference...the fog is too great.<P><BR>Faye<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited May 16, 2001).]

sing:<BR>I can sympathies with how you feel towards OW. I don't think you would accomplish anything, besides getting it off your chest.<P>My H moved out 10 months ago to be alone and needed time to think. I had no obvious reasons to suspect a OW. That is until I ran into THEM 1 1/2 months after H moved. That's the night I called H's apartment and OW answered the phone. H wouldn't even admit it than, but OW moved right in with H. OW got on the phone, cussing, ranting, raving and saying the MOST horrible things I've ever heard. OW even wanted to "beat me up" I told her I wouldn't lower myself to her level, among other things, but I did manage to contain myself without raising my voice or using her vulgar language (I think this only made OW more enraged..LOL). That proved to me that there was absolutely NO way to even attempt to approach OW on an adult level. Apparently OW has BIG problems (which are H's problems now). Later on, because I had a conversation with my H at his business, OW showed up on my doorstep twice, left a threatening note 2nd time.(since I wouldn't answer the door). I had to get an Order of Protection against her, Judge found her guilty and issued a NO contact. <P>Obviously OW thinks she owns my H. I get the impression they think they did nothing wrong. H even got extremely angry with me because he said "I didn't have to take his girlfriend to court" (she is the poor thing, and I'm the bad guy!) Must be the addiction and buried in FOG)<P>Why lower yourself to OW level? These people are totally irrational, so I don't think there is any reasoning with them. I would also consider fueling the fire, so to speak, it could backlash on you. I doubt that venting your pain to OW will cause her to feel any guilt, otherwise you probably wouldn't be dealing with this now. The OW with my H,(because of the unscrupulous person she is) actually feeds and delights in pleasure if she thinks she can upset or irritate me. That's why I just ignor her, I think this really bothers her more, because I won't give her that satisfaction. <P>Would your husband be agreeable to writing OW a NO contact letter? <P>Take care and May God Bless you and yours<p>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited May 16, 2001).]

Again everyone I am not really going to send my letter or any of the many letters (<I>more like rants</I>)I write to her.<P>She may find out any way about all of OS problems 1st hand. Will she acknowledge that she is part of the problem; I doubt it. I am sure that all the blame will be placed on me. See she is just as bad as mother as she was your W, I can hear the words now.<P>I have 2 favorite fantasies about OW.<P><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> Her photo over billboards all over the Houston area with a <B>huge</B> <I>scarlet A</I> placed on her chest<P><LI> Take on the poor man Lazarus & the rich man, I am Lazarus & she is the rich man, now do you all remember where each one was <BR></OL><P>In saying/writing this I do pray for her, most of the time it is for her to find peace.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by sing (edited May 16, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by sing (edited May 16, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by sing (edited May 16, 2001).]