I have recently found uot about an affair that has been going on for more than 20 yrs without my knowledge my h has been having alow key but very persistent relationship with a so called friend of the family he has not wanted to go public and has been content to have his cake and eat it for all this time .When I found out it came to an end immediately and the ow wrote me a conciliatory letter in which she claimed that what they had been doing was only a harmless little bit on the side.I was stunned by the attitude that it was an add-on like an optional extra when in fact the concept for me is a take-away and a very harmful one at that .<BR>I also took exception to the fact that she talked about " our relationship". I thought to myself " lady you dont have a relationship you have an affair. <BR>so I began to consider what is an affair? If Adultery is no big deal for her then why is it one of the ten commandments and was Moses just an old killjoy.The following letter is written to her to put the record straight as far as my attitude is concerned.Iwould really appreciate some feedback on a) the content b)whether to send it( no contact between her and my h) and c) whether to tell my grown up children that she has been a constant but unseen factor in their lives. I, myself, think that,far from being harmless ,she has wreaked untold damage in the life of this family--- that is why Icall her the invisible cuckoo.<P> WHAT IS AN AFFAIR?<P> An extra marital affair is the wilful pursuit of selfish and self indulgent gratification by two people who initiate a relationship in a second secret life together for the purposes of sharing intense intimate feelings.<BR> <BR> The relationship excludes all others whilst still maintaining the benefits of the family structure i.e. the love of the children and the domestic contribution of the wife(cleaning, cooking ,shopping, wage earning and in addition sexual favours in all about 14 hours a day of labour) .The relationship is therefore selfserving and in the process fails to make any contrbution to any of the significant others in the lives of the participants.On the contrary it detracts a great deal from the lives of those people in many ways whether or not it is discovered.The containment and total insulation from reality of the affair provides an escape from reality and in effect from responsibility . <P> The responsibility of entering the next phase of adulthood is sacrificed for the pleasure of a return to adolescent freedom.A great deal of love and emotional energy is expended on someone who is a total stranger to the family group who in turn lose out on their share of these vital commmodities Therefore the happiness of the lovers is taken at the expense of the family.There is an invisible cuckoo in the nest . <P> This irresponsible behaviour by the lovers shows no regard for the possibility of tragic consequences.On their part It is a flagrant act of gross disloyalty to existing partners and exhibits a complete lack of respect for the existence of those who are reliant on them for affection and support.<P> Concealment of the affair is justified by the participants as an essential element of the affair to protect the partners from emotional distress. It is in fact a device to protect the affair from any negative thoughts which might intrude on the feelings of the participants.Secrecy also makes the experience more pleasurable .<BR> <BR> In these circumstances it must be difficult not to feel guilt. These and other uncomfortable feelings would be counterproductive to the comfort zone of the lovers.At all costs(and the emotional costs of an affair are incalculable from go to woe)the comfort zone must be preserved for the affair to continue to be a source of pure and unadulterated pleasure.There must be no chance of a third or fourth person having the knowledge to spoil anything<BR> <BR> Although the relationship is a source of intense pleasure, its perfection can only be at best be described as half a life and it cannot remain a constant situation indefinitely . Eventually there will be a desire for some progression or change of the status quo and the affair will fade away or become public and therefore real.<P> In the past ,affairs have been described as sordid and it is my own opinion that they are well described . The situation has many parallels to the sordid escape from lifes problems which drugs provide.Initiallly,like an addict, the attitude of the lovers is that the situation is perfectly under control .They are protected by their secrecy but eventually they are controlled by the situation which has its own momentum .Feelings which are kept secret <BR>have an added fascination and excitement but ultimately the purity of these feelings become toxic. <BR> <BR> Escape into a secret world is a weakness and when born of deceit will consume the soul .It is a very sick strategy for running a life for eventually it cannot be contained and seeps into other aspects of existence,involves others and has an enormous potential power to destroy all concerned. An affair is very hard to forgive and impossible to forget, once trust is gone only doubt remains, peace of mind is a thing of the past.<P><P>------------------<BR>

My feelings about it is if it will help you do it. I have spoken/chatted/emailed with all of the 10 women my H had affairs with. He met them all on the internet. They all live in other states so face-to-face has not been possible or I would have done that too. Anything that makes you more real to her would probably be good.<P>Your writeup is good. The only thing is that it is very detached. I think it might be more affective if you were to say the same things but talk about the actual pain it has brought you and your children. Make it a little more personal. This woman is obviously very detached from reality. A good hit of reality might be a very good idea. <P>However, don't expect her to "get it". Most people are very good at developing a self justifying screen through which to see the world. Do it for yourself and your children, not to get the reaction you want out of her. <P>Is this woman married? Does her H know? If there is an H he certainly needs to know about this affair. <P>My heart goes out to you. My H has had affairs the entire time I've known him, through our engagement and our marriage. Ours is a new relationship, we've been together only a little over 2 years. I know what it made me feel like... like our entire relationship was a sham. I can only imagine the depth of your pain... 20 years?<P>(((((((((hug)))))))))))))<BR>e<BR>

I agree with zorweb in the tones of your letter being not personal enough. I know myself, when I was reading through it, it sounded like a lecture (and I'm the BS too! grin). I'd suggest adding a few of your own feelings in the letter, perhaps using some specific events as well. (for example, talk about how it hurts you so much that you cannot put those feelings into words.. and add how she was around your house on occassion - maybe for a birthday party or something? - remind her that 'friends' do NOT do what she did). That would throw more 'reality' towards her, but I also agree, she probably still won't get it. sigh! <P>HUGS to you! <P>Karen<BR>

Hi H20,<P> Good heavens....20yrs??? You've got to realize that she has spent 20yrs. building up her rationalizations....there is no way you will "get to her".<P>My personal feeling is to tell her how you feel if you want but mostly just act like she no longer exists......don't give her too much power or make her feel too important. <P>Good luck to you in recovery......are you in couseling?How is your H treating you?....oh, I don't think I would tell your kids if you don't have to........ LU