I have been trying to implement the concepts on Plan A since I found this website. My husband is communicating with his high school girlfriend (15 years ago) via e-mail and phone. He admits that the conversations have gotten intimate and he will be visiting her in 3 weeks. <P>Every time I think about them together, it makes me sick inside. He and I are getting along, he wants to continue sleeping with me and everything has been "okay" in the house but they talk about an hour every night. When I think about his trip, it makes me crazy.<P>I don't want to leave him but maybe I am sticking around for nothing. How do I get through each day?

I am not sure I have a good answer for you but I understand how you feel.<P>Before my W admitted to her PA, she admitted to an EA with someone I knew she would have to see on an upcoming business trip.<P>She would not change or bow out of the trip despite my pleas to do so. <P>I cannot tell you how much of a living hell it was while she was on that trip. It was the worst week of my life.<P>I know what you mean about how to get thru the day.<P>My advice is to do whatever you can to stop your H from visiting her.<P>No matter what he says, nothing good can come from their meeting. <P>Good luck.

2nd Best,<P>I agree w/ Elad and I have been on both ends of it (I while dating my W). I would do what I could so that he did not go...too much temptation. Keep working at Plan A. <P>DD

He refuses to cancel his trip. He has made plans to meet her and she has gotten them a hotel room. He is visiting family that weekend so obviously he doesn't want them to know about it. <P>I have tried to rationally explain to him why I don't want him to meet her and he refuses to see my point of view. He says that she is a friend and he isn't going to reject a friendship with her.<P>He IS going...I can't stop him so what now?

Gotten THEM a hotel room?<P>Sounds like there is more than friendship he doesn't want to reject...<P>Even tho it my be a LB...would it help to discuss it w/his family? If he doesn't want them to know, it may be something that might adjust his thinking....<P>Also, if this is a trip to visit family--can you go?<P>Have you talked to his "friend" that might shake them both a little.<P>Honey--I have been there and I know the pain this will cause for you...do the best you can...<P>Good luck...<BR>

Does he plan on spending the weekend with her and then come home to you? That's insane thinking on his part. If my husband was going away with a woman for the weekend I'd make it very clear that he shouldn't come home.

How do you know the details? Is he telling you to hurt you? Are you really good at snooping? Make the consequences known. Tell him how this will make you feel. Do you know how this will make you feel? Admit that something is wrong with the marriage and you would like to work on it with him. Show him that this is not a game.<P>God's Help<BR>Invictus

He is telling me these things, I am not snooping because I don't want to appear to be irrational and immature. He is hurting me deeply and I have tried my best to explain this to him. It falls on deaf ears.<P>He is visiting his grandparents. His mom and brother live 2 hours away and he is not even telling them about the trip. When I asked to go also, he made the reservation already and he told me no. I am sure because he was planning to meet this woman.<P>I can't tell his family. I spoke with a mutual friend of ours who my husband claimed he had told him about this situation and when the friend called my husband on it (apparently he didn't tell him about meeting her), my husband went ballistic. He even told me to leave the house for a night.<P>Should I just give up, I know how bad I feel when he takes time in the evening to call her (1-2 hours at a time) I don't know how I can live through facing him after he meets with her?<P>I have read the section on emotional needs and I think I am pretty consistent on meeting them for him. I am going to therapy to help cope.....should I just give up?<P>

Let's see if I have this straight.<P>Your husband---who I assume you love--spends an hour or two on the phone with his old girlfriend every night. He has told you those conversatins have becoem intimate. He is going out of town (and told you you were not welcome to join him) to meet her at some place where she has reserved THEM a hotel room. And he tells you about this. And you know they talk every night.<P>2nd Best---do everything you can to stop this before it goes any further...get him to a counselor and quick. Call his family(although that might be a major LB)---call out the National Guard...whatever it takes try it. If he goes through with this, your marriage may not survive. <P>Right now your husband sounds like he is in the fog. Do what you can in the next three weeks before the trip to bring him out of it. <P>This can and will be hard but if you are here posting, you obviously are trying to salvage him and your marriage...<P>Do your best...<P>

To me a husband, your husband does not respect your feelings. He does not want to be married to you. He does not deserve to be married to you. It is sad his behaviour. I can't imagine a husband doing this. I am a male. He likes this woman more than you. Why stay with this man? If he goes he should not be allowed to come back. Tell his familly. You now have nothing to lose. He has crossed the line. But listen to others before you listen to me. I am just angry at this. This is something that can be prevented. It is a one night stand in the planning stages. It can be forseen. There is no maybe. It is a definite yes.

2nd Best:<P>I don't know that I have any advice, but I feel for you. I also believe after reading the materials and posts of MB there is HOPE to save marriages, but no guarantees. I don't know if you could pull any information from this site and have your H read it? I don't know if this would let him know the situation is not unique, but it could be worked out with effort, perhaps before it might get worse. This isn't saying that it will escalate or worsen, H might find out the grass isn't always greener on the other side. <P>My H left 10 mths ago, about a 1 1/2 months later I found out why, OW. After he left I started looking for clues, too bad I didn't have any idea of what my H was contemplating, but I trusted him and never would have thought this would happen. In hindsight, I don't know if I could have done something, but as least I would have known what I was dealing with. I think my H kept his issues bottled up inside (he more or less admitted this)and it was easier for him to run than deal with deeper issues. H said he wasn't happy, but had never expressed this to me. I also had told H that he is looking in all the wrong places, that happiness comes from within, and not in OW or materialistic objects(H hasn't figured this out yet, hopefully he will?) At least I planted the seed for thought in his head, if he's not to fogged in. <P>I found a post(after he left)that H had put in to contact a classmate, from years ago, that he had a crush on (shock). This was posted months before H had left, but this told me he was looking than. This was not the OW that H apparently found and moved out to live with.<BR> <BR> RE: I have tried to rationally explain to him why I don't want him to meet her and he refuses to see my point of view. He says that she is a friend and he isn't going to reject a friendship with her.<P>In my case, I tried desperately to rationalize with my H, to no avail. I think it was the addiction and DEEP fog. I have read afterwards that no matter what you say, it doesn't usually make a different, because of the addiction & fog (I don't know, seemed to apply for my H). I think in my situation, that H had issues, EN's that H never expressed to ME, otherwise I would have tried to work it out and meet his needs. Unfortunately I didn't have the opportunity, H's decision, NOT mine. <P>If you haven't you should read, read , read the information on this site, it really helped me understand and clarified a lot of things. I only wish I had found this site early on, I feel I could have had more insite and knowledge to deal with my situation. Helpful info. to work on your marriage. <P>Another positive aspect is your H is still there. I guess I'm saying this because I would think it gives you an advantage over my situation. My H wants NO contact with me, which makes it more difficult to work with.<P>I know it's painful for you but try to hang in there. Sorry I can't offer more. Read and inform yourself. <P>Take care and May God Bless. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited May 16, 2001).]

They say you can't control another persons actions only your reactions. I think you should LET YOUR HUSBAND GO. Not just meaning the trip to be with other woman, but LET HIM GO EMOTIONALLY, your husband isn't saying he wants out of the marriage but i think you have put your foot down on this one. I think it was Dobson who wrote this:<P>"Ideally, we are permitted by God to select only one person in the course of a lifetime, and few are willing to squander that one shot on someone we merely pity! In fact, it is very difficult to love another person romantically and pity him or her at the same time. If begging and pleading are ineffective methods of attracting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do victims of bad marriages use the same groveling techniques to hold a drifting spouse? They only increase the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping. Instead, they should convey their own version of the following message when the time is right: "John [or Diane], I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done. As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me in 1989 [or whenever]. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision. I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, John. You were my first real love and I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead." <BR>Slowly, unbelievably, the trapped spouse witnesses the cage door vibrate just a bit, and then start to rise. He can't believe it. This person to whom he has felt bound hand and foot for years has now set him free! It isn't necessary to fight off her advances-her grasping hands-any more. "But there must be a catch," he thinks. "It's too good to be true. Talk is cheap. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she'll be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She's really weak, you know, and she'll crack under pressure." <BR>It is my strongest recommendation that you, the rejected person, prove your partner wrong in this expectation. Let him marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will convince him that you are serious-that he is actually free. He may even test you during this period by expressions of great hostility or insult, or by flirtation with others. But one thing is certain: He will be watching for signs of weakness or strength. The vestiges of respect hang in the balance. <BR>If the more vulnerable spouse passes the initial test and convinces the partner that his freedom is secure, some interesting changes begin to occur in their relationship. Please understand that every situation is unique and I am merely describing typical reactions, but these developments are extremely common in families I have seen. Most of the exceptions represent variations on the same theme. <BR>Three distinct consequences can be anticipated when a previously "grabby" lover begins to let go of the cool spouse: The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and their relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindled, necessarily, but the strain between the two partners is often eased. <BR>As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After wondering for weeks or months, "How can I get out of this mess?" he now asks, "Do I really want to go?" Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home! The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he or she feels better-somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return. <BR>Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan-a program-a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins."<BR>

I have a bit of a different take on this. I would draw a very clear and simple boundary: if he goes on this trip and spends the night at the hotel room with the bimbo, upon his return he will find his stuff neatly packed and placed on the front porch. No if's, and's, or but's.<P>AGG

Thank you all. My intial reaction is to let him go (not the trip, he is already going), let him go emotionally and physically. There is a part of me that thinks if I stay, he will come out of his fog.<P>We are transferring in a month to a new area, the option to live on his own is there for him but he insists he wants us to live in the same place together. He just won't give up this communication with this woman.<P>I am financially stable on my own and I am moving to a new area, should I just start over?<P>I love him deeply but he has hurt me in a way that no one has hurt me before.<P>Thanks for all your help, you all are like my rock right now.

He wants you and the girlfriend. I would assume he feels that he can go see her, maybe spend the weekend with her and continue phone contact after that. Maybe even continue to visit her sometimes and you'll stay with him anyhow because you love him so much. I truly think he needs a big wake up call before he goes out of town and sleeps with her. I agree with the other couple of posts....draw the line loud and clear. His communication stops with her and he stops seeing her or he's out. Period. If you allow him to see her and you don't draw the line your marriage is going to get worse and most likely won't make it. I think your chances are better for your marriage if you stand up for yourself.

I agree w/AGG with one little detail change. Insist on his packing his own $hit <B> BEFORE</B> he goes on this trip to be w/ bimbo. THis will be a wake-up call he'll not want to soon to forget. It also may be the kick in the a$$ he needs to get out of the fog!<BR>d2k