I am in quite a pickle here. I don't know what to do. My wife and are well back on track in our recovery and things seem genuine between us again.<P>Problem, the OM. He keeps contacting her. The pattern in their relationship is that she would end the relationship, he would contact her again, eventually she would crumble and the A would start over again.<P>Since I found out about the A in September of last year, I had thought that the contact had ended between the two of them. Upon finding out, I immediately sent down the word through mutual friends to the OM that he was not welcome to contact either of us again. He recontacted her several weeks later (my wife told me) and my dad (the OM is a family friend) went over to his house and told the OM and the OM's W that contact was not acceptable.<P>About six months went by and my wife, in the name of closure, sent the OM a letter saying that she missed their friendship, but that they could not be lovers again. She told him it was OK to call her if he was going through a rough period. Of course, he called her a week later. This was in late Jan./early Feb.<P>There was a two-week period that they talked on the phone everyday and eventually started driving around town together. She wanted it to be just a friendship, but things got out of control again and she started giving him kisses again -- something that friends don't do. During this period, he was also calling her at work, she told him not to call her there, but he continued to. On Valentine's Day, he stopped by her work and gave her a rose, this is when she realized that it wasn't working out the way she had planned, and that it was a threat to our marriage that she wanted to improve. Three days later, she told him that they could have no relationship, not to call her, write her, etc. However, if he ran into her, not to glare at her or treat her like she was a mean person. She concluded this conversation with a kiss on the cheek.<P>About four weeks ago, he called again. She told him that it wasn't going to happen (but did not say not to contact her again) and he said "OK, I just needed to hear it from you."<P>Funny thing is, he's heard it at least 3 or 4 times from her already. (Although a kiss on the cheek and more intimate kissing is obviously a signal to the contrary).<P>My question, is it time to get a restraining order? My wife is in favor of it, but doesn't think we can get it because she feels she was too nice.<P>My point is that, even though she was nice, she asked him not to call her at work and he did. She asked him not to call her again when she ended it with him the second time and he did.<P>I question whether she is protecting him, but she says the only reason she is somewhat negative about it is because she's not sure if she ever sent the message clearly enough. When asked if hypothetically we could get the restraining order, would she want to use it, she answered yes. She is OK with either choice, but seems to be leaving it up to me to determine a choice of action.<P>So, what to do? Just write a NC letter, even though she has told him several times that there is no relationship and that she doesn't want contact and he hasn't responded appropriately. That said, I believe she was too nice in telling him before, and a NC letter could really spell it out in the appropriate manner (she wants to model it after the one in SUA -- only a little meaner). And it could threaten legal action if contact occured again.<P>I failed to take the proper precautions against recontact once and don't want to do it again, at the same time, I want to act rationally and not do something that is going to drag the whole thing out... I just want him to be out of our lives and she says she does to. Neither of us are confident at this point that he won't contact her a few months down the line...<P>Opinions??<p>[This message has been edited by OpenHeart (edited May 16, 2001).]

bump -- help a fella out?

Her non-chalant attitude regarding the RESTRAINING ORDER could be guilt about contact with OM and is leaving it up to you to decide to keep the peace at home. She could say, "H made me do it" and instead SHE CONTACTS HIM. Her detached reaction to the Restraining order sounds alittle fishy to me. sorry to be so negative.

No contact letter, all speed ahead. Get it out as soon as possible, have it delivered next day mail. The sooner the better, is too late. Do it now.<P>What I wouldn't give for a no contact letter.

She has not been very direct with him and has sent him mixed signals thinking they could be friends,, I am thinking this is before she and you knew better about a REAL no contact letter... If she did this before she understood that the only way to move on is to sever all ties,, then she goofed up,,, sending another letter at this time might be better since he obviously doesnt get it with the mixed signals and all...<BR>model it the way MB principals say and then leave it at that... if he was driving by your house and contacting her several times a week or something then a restraining orde might be appropriate,,, I just think SHE didnt do it right the first time... she needs to do it again and make it very clear that while she unfortunately felt sorry and did the wrong thing,, she understand that the only way to move on now is to sever all ties..<BR>good luck<BR>c1

OH, <P>When your W told the OM that he could contact her in her letter of "closure," she effectively left the door open for the A to continue. There can be no friendship, no contact whatsoever between the two former lovers. Your W also made a big mistake by telling the OM that she missed his friendship. What a bad move! I'm assuming that you've read Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair." Any letter of closure to the OP should not apologize or reveal any fond emotions for the OP; it is strictly to let the OP know how much the WS loves the BS and that there will be no more contact, period.<P>Your W needs to start over on that "no contact" letter and this time do it right, IMHO.<P>belld