Yesterday my W told me that she filed for divorce. Now I have absolutely no self esteem. I really don't know how anyone can ever love me again. I don't think anymore that anyone would be interested in me. I'm a soon to be divorced father of 3. If I couldn't keep the woman I loved more than life itself, how am I going to be able to get anyone else. <P>Are these feelings normal? I am going to counseling tomorrow to start working on me again.<P>dave - S&C

Of course your feelings are normal! You committed to this woman with all of your heart, mind, and soul! The fact that she is unable to do the same, is NOT YOUR FAULT!!! YOU are the better person here, YOU have worked on your marriage (even if it was one-sided), YOU don't want your children to be raised in a 'broken home' (I really don't like that term by the way... if the kids are with a loving parent, then how dysfunctional could that really be?).<P>That's great that you are seeing your counsellor soon. Hopefully he/she can give you some coping suggestions that work best for you.<P>You can be loved again, and you can love again too. In fact, you WILL be loved and love again too!!! Whether or not it will be with your W or someone else, is hard to say.<P>It's time to do for you now. Do whatever it is that makes YOU happy! If that means continuing with your plan A, then do it! Just because she said she filed, doesn't mean she did. And most importantly, you are STILL MARRIED right now!<P>I'm not sure if this has lifted your spirits any, but I can assure you, that that is my intention! grin.<P>BIG HUGS TO YOU!!! (you'll get through this... always keep posting... we're all here for you, you know that.. and if you've forgotten that.. DON'T! grin).<P>Karen

Dave,<P>As a woman, I felt what you are feeling. I am glad you are going to a counselor. <BR>She filed, nothing is final yet.<BR>Remember, you didn't make her choices. She did that all on her own.

Yes, these are very normal feelings. I felt very much the same last summer when my H intended on leaving me. However, I also had to deal with the fact that he was telling me that noone would ever love me because I am fat, ugly, and b*****y. That really did a number on any self esteem that I had left.<P>I do still feel that way if he does end up leaving me. I am 28 years old with 3 children. Not too many men close to my age that are going to be interested in that kind of a situation. I look at it this way---if my H leaves, and I do not ever find that "someone", then I am meant to be alone, and I will make the best of it.

Yes, of course it's normal - and right now maybe what you need to do is go and flirt a bit? Seriously - some mild flirting will really boost your self-esteem, and won't risk your relationship with your wife. The day my WH moved out, I felt so bad, I just had to get out the house and drive - so I did. I had the stereo blaring out loud rock music and I'll admit to going a teensy bit faster than usual, but it felt good. At one point I came across some roadworks, a guy in a digger was digging a hole by the side of the road and his digger was blocking the road. I waited until he'd moved, carried on driving - then realised I'd gone the wrong way, so I turned round and drove back. He had moved across the road again - so with a big grin I decided to go completely reckless (well, for me anyway LOL), and drove off the road onto the field to get past him. He stared in amazement for a second - then gave me the biggest, nicest, smiliest grin I'd seen in a long time! So what did I do - I waved and blew him a big kiss out the window, which made both of us laugh, then I drove on my way. The thing is - it really, really cheered me up, and boosted my self-esteem. Just a silly bit of fun between strangers changed my whole mood that day, in the space of a couple of minutes.<P>So - my suggestion is, that you go out somewhere - hold doors open for ladies, give them a big smile as they go through and just see how many nice smiles you get in return. Go for a coffee and chat to the waitress, or the cashier at the supermarket. There are millions of ladies out there that would give their right arms to be with such a loving, compassionate, caring man as you - and don't you forget it!<P>hugs, Paint

S&C<BR>I am so sorry for the way you are feeling now. But it is part of the process and it will pass. I too feel that sometimes. Alot in the begining.<BR>See I'm only 28 and have no kids, and everyone tells me <BR>"oh your so young, you have your whole life in front of you"<BR>That doesnt make me feel any better, cause i feel rejected.<BR>See im not in as great of shape as my STBX is. Im not obese, but im not thin and muscular either. And i got a chance to see the OM. And damn if he is really muscualar and very very fit. <BR>My wife use to always buy these fitness magazines,not muscle magazines, just fitness.<BR>and all of the guy in there were perfectly proportioned, and fit looking. I called them "soloflex guys".<BR>And now it looks like my wife got the man from her magazines.<BR>And it kills me too, but i have to look at it like this. At one time she loved me(supposedly)so i cant be that bad.<BR>And that goes for you too. Im sure that before you met your wife you had dated other girls. So see that is proof that you not ugly, or a bad guy.<BR>It will just take time to get your self-esteem back. But when it does LOOK OUT, you will be unstopable.<BR>Good luck<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Thank you all for your responses. Many of you have said that just because she has filed doesn't mean that its over. What do you mean by that? What do I do at this point?

Bioman,<BR>I'm 37. I thought I married the woman that I would be with forever. I don't even have the slightest clue as to how to date anymore.<P>dave

Well to tell you the truth dating should be the last thing on your mind for a while.<BR>Best thing i could tell you is go out and do things that you have always wanted to do. Do things for yourself.<BR>And if you want to meet some nice women just to talk to and not really get into a relationship. Go to some church functions. Or, as much as i hate to say this.... go to the health club.<BR>Though is may seem like it, your love life is not over. I know that is easy to say, but trust me it is not. Yes there are times i think that even at 28 i may never find another woman. But that is crazy thinking. Have you seen some of the incredible looking and interesting women that are between the ages of 35 and 40? hell i may start dating older women <BR>just dont be so down on yourself, and expect some disapointments. And remember that if you start dating really soon, the only things that you will have to talk to your date about is your divorce.<BR>Good luck and keep your hopes up.<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sadandconfused:<BR><B>Thank you all for your responses. Many of you have said that just because she has filed doesn't mean that its over. What do you mean by that? What do I do at this point?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why not just continue with your plan A? That sounds logical enough to me. Just remember that oh so important part of it, which is to work on YOU... do those things that make you happy. If you're like me, and one of the things that makes you happy is to make BS happy... then still do it! <P>I totally understand the 'funk' you're in right now. But take some time to think hard about what things make you happy (that don't include your W). What are the things you enjoyed before you married her? Before you knew her? If you don't do some of those things anymore, why not? And if there's no reasonable answer you can think of.. then go do them again!! <P>HUGS!<P>Karen<BR>

S&C - I just read BioMan's lovely posts and have this to add to them:<P>1. I am totally, madly and completely in love with my WH right? I will tell you now that he's NOT muscular, he's skinny; he still gets zits at 37 years old, he's impatient, messy, self-centred and stubborn. But he has a smile that makes me go weak at the knees. So - don't sell yourself short, believe me when I say that you DO have certain things about you that will make the right woman swoon!<P>2. Dating? What's that? It's scary isn't it? I haven't a clue either, it's been far too long - but I have heard of some really good tips: The main thing is NOT to go to places specifically to get dates, but instead get involved with social activities that you really enjoy - whether they be evening classes, sports, theatre, reading groups, hiking groups, whatever. You will be mixing and making friends with people who share the same interests as you and eventually, sooner or later you will come into contact with a lady who sparks your interest too. You'll have plenty to talk about, because you have things in common and developing that friendship into a relationship should be far more comfortable than a 'blind date' or 'singles ad lady' could ever be.<P>Best wishes, Paint

Why are we even discussing dating here? This is the Marriage BUILDERS site. SAC, you are still married. You don't need to worry about dating.<P>Sometimes, the WS will say that they have filed and that's not necessarily the truth. In some states, just because the spouse files doesn't mean that it's a done deal. Just because your wife filed doesn't mean that you have to agree to this. It's not over until its over. Fight to the very last minute if you love her and want your marriage. Work your Plan A!!!<P>It's easy at a time like this to get side tracked with thoughts of dating and flirting but that's not what you are really about. You want your marriage and that is why you are here. Concentrate on your wife's needs and yourself. If you think that a physically fit spouse is a need of hers, then start a little excercise routine. Not only will you start to be more physically fit but there are emotional benefits to excercise. It is a great stress reliever. I know it was one of the things my H really wanted me to do. Let me tell you, it paid off in spades!<P>Concentrate on your goal. Work your Plan A. Take care of yourself!<P>cleo

Cleo is right!<P>You can still work on restoring your marriage. Make your mind up that you want your marriage to work, and initiate a REAL good plan A, as much as she will allow.<P>I think the first thing is to NOT lovebust. Try that for a week, and see how you do. Think 10 times before you do or say anything that might even possibly annoy your wife. Don't be a burden whatsoever on her. Cooperate and learn some communication techniques. <P>I know it isn't fair, but this will probably be 110% one-sided, meaning you are doing all of the compromising, you are doing all of the giving, you are biting your tongue, you aren't getting anything in return but grief, she may appear like she doesn't even care how you feel. Don't feel compelled to tell her how you hurt.<P>Do this for as long as you can. Come here and vent. Do not ever vent with your wife. <P>Start there, and you will be doing a great plan A..... You can graduate to learning communication styles and boundaries later. Get this part down pat.<P>TnT