My wife had a brief two night affair in December (5 months ago). I am thinking I am recovering pretty good. But sometimes the topic comes up about the affair. For example my wife was considering doing business in China. But because of the affair I would hesitate to let her go. But she says to have an affair is easy. She said I don't understand that she is a good woman and has no intention of having any affair. Then I naturally bring up the point that she told me this before and still had an affair. Then she is angry with me that I still bring this up and still have questions about it. She said I should have been over it in one month. She said one month of questions is OK but after that I should have forgotten all about it. She said I should look at her now. Has she been a good wife for 5 months. If so then I should only look at this part and never bring up this past thing again. She said that was before in China and now is now. However she also has told me many lies the past month and it was only last week she admitted that she did it because she felt like doing it and wanted the experience of a younger man. Each time she felt bad she did this though. I told her it is easy for my mind to accept her reasoning but not so easy for my heart to mend.<P>She said She cannot at all understand why this is still on my mind. She said I am an educated person. She said she is a good wife now. She said before was before and now is now. She said "you must enjoy thinking about this everyday." She said I will just make myself old doing this. She told me to trust her. <P>Then she told me a story about a Chinese woman:<BR> She sensed sometimes I don't trust her especially since I told her it was not to great for her to go to China alone to do business. She said it would be very easy for her to have an affair if she wanted to but she is not this type of woman. She said there was this jealous man who never trusted his wife. Everywhere she went he followed. Everyone she talked to he was suspicious. She could not get out of his sight. Then the woman one day told the husband she had to go outside to the bathroom. He was cooking the supper. There happened to be another man near the bathroom. She asked him to have sex with her through the hole in the wall. Then she calmly walked back to her husband. Told him she just finished having sex with this stranger. She said "I just had sex with a stranger , and you saw what?" So she was giving her husband the message if she wanted to do this, it is very easy to do. But she told her husband she is not that kind of woman. She did it this time to teach him a lesson. <P>What I would like is to print off some letters from people who recovered quickly and had no resentment but yet even though they tried, it still took time. I am not sure if there are any people that cut off the questions or bringing up the topic after one month. Maybe my thinking for five months is a long time. Now something comes up once a week. This is the real frequency. I try to be pretty pleasant all the time. Yes I do have this mistrust and at the same time I believe she is trustworthy. <P>SKM's post is pretty good for my wife to understand the woman's side of things. Now I need some husband's to help me to explain to my wife why it is not so easy to get over this. My wife said that when I keep thinking on this and asking why, why, why, she feels stressed. She said why do you want to know the reason? She said why is the truth so important. She said it happened, she was bad but now she is in this country and things are different. She said the reasons are not important. She said now she does not know why it happened. She said when I questioned her she just gave me some stories. The stories changed constantly but she said the real story does not matter. <P>Well I don't know. I can see her point. But it takes time for a broken heart to mend I guess. Definitely I am trying. <P>The other day I was not going to bring up this topic until my wife decided to talk to a table with 5 gentlemen from China but didn't invite her husband along. She said she missed China and I said she should not be talking to 5 strange men. She said my thinking is no good because I don't trust her. And this brought yup the talk about what happened in China. I wasn't planning to bring it up. Maybe I should have bit my tongue and not said anything.<P>I was told that I do not understand my wife. I do not understand that she is a good wife and has no desire for another man. I think she is honest about this now. She was also honest about saying this to me in November. But in December she had an affair. She said it was many factors coming together that caused it.<p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 16, 2001).]

If all goes well and there are no set backs it will likely take you 2 to 3 years to really recover!!

I suggest that you read some of the material about affair recovery and rebuilding marriages on this web site. And that you and your wife read Dr. Harley's book "Surviving a Divorce". <P>D day for me was about 7 weeks ago. I still cannot get the thoughts out of my mind... it drives me crazy. According to everything I've read it takes 2 to 10 years to recover from an affair. It is not an easy process. It takes that long to rebuild trust.<P>My counselor told me that one of the burdens a person pays for having an affair is to have to talk to their betrayed spouse (BS) over and over about the affair, answer questions, help them get over it.<P>If I were you I would not be comfortable about what your wife is saying either. <P>Please read "Surviving an Affair". It should help.<P>This is going to take you a very long time. And with your wife (WS) not being supportive of your pain, it will be prolonged.<P>Good Luck<BR>E

Roger, Roger, Roger,<P>What was the reason for your wife telling you that story? <P>Sounds like when my H told me, 'you know even if I came back I could still fool around'. My response: Yes and when I find out, you will be out on your behind permanently. Your choice honey.<P>To me telling you that kind of story does NOT make her currently a good wife. It makes her a questionable one. <P>Roger, how well do you really know this person? Ask her how quickly she is able to trust someone that has lied, cheated and stole from her? Because to your marriage, that is what she has done to you and now just wants you to brush it off. <P>Sorry for being so forward. I just don't like what I am reading. <P>L.<BR>

Rodger - <P>Your wife calls you an educated man. . .That's kind of funny because SHE doesn't not seem too educated herself. In all the books I have read on infidelity, it can take up to two years to fully recovery - and I think that means two years of really working things out within your marriage, talking and communicating easily with one another. If you have questions, that doesn't mean that you are jealous, or that you don't WANT to trust her, the point is you are hurt. You were deceived, and it takes time to get over that - even if you have completely forgiven your wife.<P>My H and I have been in recovery for over a year. And, I must say that my H didn't ask a whole lot of questions - but I think that was only because I kept bringing up the affair and truly wanting to get past things. I think a lot, and maybe too much for my own good, but for me, I couldn't just shuffle things under the rug and move on. And, deep down, I kind of put myself in my H's shoes and knew that if it had been him to have had the affair - well, I know it woul dhave taken me a lot longer to get over it.<P>People are different and recovery at different rates. It doesn't mean that you are a weak person, it doesn't mean that you are jealous or will never be able to trust your wife, it just means that you are a sensitive, caring, individual. You don't want to go through this again, but more importantly, you probably don't want your wife to go through this again. You are sincere in wanting to work out all issues that may be a future problem for your marriage, and I think if your wife takes the time to be forthright and open with you now - answer your questions, have good, open communication - than that will pay off in the long run - not only for you, the one who has been hurt, but for her too.<P>Last night my H and I had a disagreement - similar to something that would have happened pre-affair. Immediately, my H wanted to know if I was leaving him. And of course the answer was no, but he didn't know that, he was still unsure and afraid that a little disagreement would send me into the arms of OM - or out the door forever. So, even after a year, he never asks me where I've been if I go out, it's not like he gives me the third degree or wants to control me. But, his reaction to our disagreement tells me that he is still hurting and is afraid. I don't want to use that against him to "get my way" in the argument, I want us to be able to talk about things openly and without fear of someone leaving.<P>I know I'm staying, but he's still unsure - so it may take another year to get to that point. You need to go at your own pace.<P>The story your wife told - I would have never said anything like that - though I have been disrepectful to my H in other ways. But the things with that story is that is was rubbing salt in your wound. It did nothing to reassure you that this will not happen again, in fact, it probably made your wife even less trustworthy in your eyes. She's basically saying that she could do it at anytime, so why are you worried about it? For me, I think a better thing to do would have been to try and answer your questions calmly and patiently - after all I was the one in the wrong, not you - you at least deserve that much respect.<P>I know some people can go off with questions - so much that it can sound like an interrogation, but if you are honestly searching for answers in order to help your marriage, as a former WS, I would feel like I need to answer those questions - if not out of respect for you as a husband, than out of respect of the fact that you are human, a person who is hurting, and understanding that I was the one who caused that hurt. It's not up to you to "Get over it." It would be up to both of us - to help each other "get through it." There is a difference.<P>The only thing you can do Rodger is to keep trying. If you do have a lot of questions or thoughts or something, write them down, review them, and then see if you really need the answers. If you do, give your wife the questions and ask her to answer them when she can. The thing is you shouldn't have to shut down - or be threatened into being quiet about things. To me, that kind of tells me that your wife is not really doing everything she can to ease your fears. No one, absolutely no one, that I have EVER talked to has gotten over an affair in one month - WS or BS. Something for you and your wife to think about, I guess.<P>I guess, I just get kind of mad when WS only want to do what they want to do, when they want to do it. Now, I was the same exact way, but the only difference was, that I would try to HELP my H get through this anyway that I could. I wouldn't just give him a hypothetical ultimatium. Maybe your wife, in her own way, was trying to tell you that you need to learn to trust her. But her telling you that is not going to make you trust her. Her actions will speak louder than words - so she may have to listen to you, she may have to reassure you constantly - so it is part of her responsiblity to help you get through this. At least this was from my perspective. . .

Lizam:<BR>Thanks for the reply. I am wondering what it means to really recover? Will I never ask my wife about this again if I am really recovered?<P>zorweb:<BR>Seven weeks is still pretty short. I was probably at the height of anger then and not being able to sleep very much. I think it should not take ten years if the proper steps are taken but what do I know? It's only been 5 months. Some days it seems I am fully recovered. I thought this last week. Then something comes up and I am almost the same angry. Although it doesn't last that long now (a few hours?).<P>Orchid:<BR>It seems you are an old friend now since you have supported my a lot during my recovery. I have read your posts but don't always have helpful advice for your situation. I did not like my wife's story either. It's no way to build trust to tell me something like that. It was her way to get me to quit worrying about her. I guess it will take time to really understand my wife. And I like when people are very straightforward and honest like you are.<P>SKM:<BR>I almost feel honored that you have replied to me with a long Email. I have read some of your posts and was trying to search for your best summary post to share with my wife. Your case is similar to hers so I thought it would be good reading for her (I hope). <P>I really needed someone besides myself to tell my wife it takes time to recover. She has not been betrayed ever and so she cannot understand my feeling. To her it was just a couple of times she had sex with a man she did not love to make her feel good when she was depressed and her husband was not around to notice. So it was nothing to her and easy for her to forget. But now I think what about the next time? What if she wants to go to China sometime. What if she meets the same guy? <P>But she says this is bad thinking because she is a good wife that loves and always did love her husband. She said that was the past. She said I should have more self confidence in myself and value my worth and understand that my wife loves me and no other man. But in my mind I just question then why did she betray me a few months ago? I know I should drop it. She was able to drop it in a day. <P>I also want to translate your post today for my wife to read so that she will not think I am crazy or love to think all day about how bad she is. I don't. She absolutely can't undertand my thinking. Maybe sometimes when a thought comes to my head I should just try to think of something else. But sometimes I like to just think about the incident a little. I don't know why exactly because it doesn't make me feel that good. So thanks again. I know there are a lot of good posts out there and I am looking for just the right posts so my wife can understand me a little better. <p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 17, 2001).]