During my talk with H last night, he mentioned to me that OW#1 was in a car accident recently, that was caused by a drunk driver. Apparently her mum's car was totalled, and she had her 4 yr old dd with her. My automatic response (the filter broke again!) was, "good.". <P>That really upset H. He told me that that's one of those things that he can't stand about me... how I can be so vengeful. How is that vengeful? Really, it's not. I'll admit, I have a lot of HATE towards her, but it's not like I would wish anyone in her family (not even her) dead or anything. I just like the fact that she got hurt. Not physically, but emotionally. Tit for tat? eye for an eye? YUP!<P>That led into a conversation about how he just doesn't understand my negative attitude towards her. Even after explaining it to him numerous times, he just doesn't get it!! He still thinks she's a great person! OMG!! The woman who was MY friend for over 2 yrs, that 'dug her claws' into him the moment he and I were having troubles, then willingly slept with him knowing damn well what SHE was doing, and not caring that he was confused (and still is obviously). She cheated on her H.. .with my H was her 2nd offense!.. but H still thinks she's great? WHATEVER!<P>Okay... I got sidetracked again. I've been thinking about how she was in that accident. And I don't care. I honestly don't have any care for her and her family. I try to turn the story around a bit and put anyone else in the same scenerio, even strangers!, and I think, "how awful!".. but towards her, nothing, nada, zip. <P>Do any of you think you'd feel the same way? I guess it's bothering me in the fact that it's not bothering me! ... if that makes any sense! grin.<P>Karen<BR>

When i was asked if i had a desire to see OW my response is "Only if its dead on the side of the highway" call me callous but thats how i feel<P>------------------<BR>"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom"

Karen,<P>I know JUST how you feel! I *hated* it when H made a comment that flattered the XOW's "good character." (Huh?) This is a BIG trigger for me, which inevitably leads to a massive LB. I literally, and I mean LITERALLY see red. I never knew what that phrase meant before now. But when I get a defensive remark about the XOW, my vision just goes crimson and I'm so p*ssed, I can't even think straight. Makes me want to get the guns out the closet and go to a rifle range or something - just to get the aggression out. <P>My H then gets angry because *I* get angry, and it makes him even *more* defensive. I somehow doubt that if the shoe were on the other foot and there was some guy calling me on the day before Christmas Eve that he would feel the same way. <P>belldandy

Your feelings are your feelings; and feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. There is no need to apologize for them and/or feel guilty about them. (I gather from your post that you haven't ;-) ) But is it really necessary to share those feelings with your H? Your H obviously feels it is a LB for you to be so vindictive towards her. Irrespective of why he can't see your point of view, don't let your attitude toward her become a LB in your relationship with H.

Hi Topie,<P>You and your H have very different opinions and feelings about the OW (naturally). Ws's tend to be very protective about their OW's feelings. It is very hard for us BS's to understand because while they are doing that, they are not protecting us while they are out there in A land. <P>So where does that leave you? While you may not normally wish anyone harm. You certainly may not wish her well. I used to question, if I saw OW on the side of the road would I stop to help her? Well, if I could send help I might but if there was no other way. Like picking up a removing an injured animal on the road, I would certainly make an attempt, but she would not be my first priority nor would I go out of my way. <P>Is that cruel? No. That is my choice. Your H needs to understand that. H might not now so don't try. Catch him later with that piece of logic, when he is up to being logical. <P>So I am saying that I understand. You are not inhumane. I told my H, their actions make it difficult to be humane with someone who has been so cruel to me. I am not asking him to understand that, just know it. If he tells OW, so what. She has wished worse on me. <P>I do believe the scriptures where it says to be forgiving up to 77 times. This is not a forgiving matter. This is a question of would I go out of my way for OW? At this point? No. No special treatment for OW. I am a giver by nature, guess I have my limits..... No guilt here. <P>L.

<B>Topie25</B>,<P>Don't beat yourself up about this. When I would hear of wrecks on OW side of town, I would think please let it be her.<P>I told my H last wk, that don't except me to ever be civil to OW, that there would not all of us be at our sons events as a unit. I told him I hated her as much as I could hate anyone, I told him I pray she was dead but then I said I don't really but if I heard she was I go Thank You God. My H doesn't say anything but once or twice she's not a bad person. I just roll my eyes at him. I know that have transferred all my hate, bitterness, frustration on to her.<P>This is from a post I wrote earlier.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have 2 favorite fantasies about OW.<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>Her photo over billboards all over the Houston area with a huge scarlet A placed on her chest<P><LI>Take on the poor man Lazarus & the rich man, I am Lazarus & she is the rich man, now do you all remember where each one was <BR></UL><P>In saying/writing this I do pray for her, most of the time it is for her to find peace.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR><p>[This message has been edited by sing (edited May 16, 2001).]

Karen, your feelings are perfectly understandable, and your H is lacking in insight. In fact, I'd say that maybe he's showing the same kind of selfishness that led to the A in the first place. However, it's not his fault that your filter broke, it's yours. Good luck working on that.<P>Adrian

The thing is, he knows that she is off limits to talk about. He knows my feelings towards her, and doesn't want to hear them, so we just don't talk about her at all.<P>H is the one who brought up the accident (after seeing some guy put a 2-4 of beer in his car while we were out). It wasn't me. So yes, I did LB b/c I wasn't ready to hear her name (we were on a leisurely drive home from grocery shopping with all the kids in the minivan).<P>H also claimed that he understands why ALL contact would have to be broken off with OW in order for him and I to move on (that was 2 months ago). He told me then, that he could see why. Yet, they still 'chat' online.<P>I ended our conversation on the topic by asking if he agreed with my view, that I will have to learn to accept that he may never understand why I feel the way I do about her. He did agree with me. And I'll admit, that when I think of it that way, I'm actually accepting that. And that's making our whole ordeal easier to handle. (I think! grin).<P>Karen<BR>

Karen,<BR>You are not alone in the way you feel toward the OW. My H had an EA for 1-1/2 yrs. It continued for 4 mos. after D-day. On a few occasions, I contacted the OW and told her to get out of our lives and leave my H alone. She cattily told me they were "just friends" and if I had a problem with that it was MY problem NOT hers!! I hated her with everything in me.<P>When my H finally broke it off, I prayed to God to get this b(witch) out of my life. She continued to visit him at work and page him constantly. I prayed HARDER. I thought of ways to try to get rid of her (some weren't very nice), but put my life in God's hands and prayed for the best.<P>Two months ago, (9 mos. after D-day), I received an email telling me the OW was dead! My first reaction was..... "Thank you, God". I was not trying to be evil, nor am I an evil person. But this OW was definitely evil to the core. I have never been saddened by her death and have told my H that I am not sorry that she's gone. He said he understands. Others that know this OW feel the same way as I do; they knew her better than I did. Basically, she's gone and cannot cause anyone any more pain.<P>IMHO, I agree that you are justified in your feelings.<P>FYI, knowing she's dead and knowing for SURE that the EA is over does not dimish the pain.<P>Thanks for listening....

Dear Confused:<P>I'll say something naughty: We should ALL be so lucky!<BR>Now something serious: I can certainly understand that the pain doesn't disappear. After all, the event & its repurcussions don't vanish. But you can manage them if you want to. Good luck.<P>Adrian

HI Topie-<P>I know how you feel-if that helps!<P>The OW and I were friends for over 5 years. I trusted her with all my heart-same as I trusted my H.<P>I used to want something to happen to her or her H-just so they could feel the pain I feel. But they won't ever feel it-not ever no matter what. Because I CAN and DO feel-she doesn't have feelings.<P>Now I think of it this way.......hopefully when bad things happen to those who have done wrong and hurt others they will take time to stop and think about why they are in the situation they are in.<P>I believe in "WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND".<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."