Came home yesterday, and my email was opened. No biggie, there's nothing to hide. The email that was opened was from a male friend on one of the recovery boards (not this one). It's one of those egroups that sends you the email and posts on the board at the same time. Well, we had been engaged in a group discussion about EMRs and having children and what a daunting prospect it was for childless couples to even consider having kids after there were third parties involved in a marriage. He had written me something very innocuous in response to one of my posts, and it was forwarded to my email account as a comment. No biggie.<P>I just *know* that my *H* thinks that I'm communicating with someone on a stupid chat board or something. But of course, he didn't *ask* me about it - just left that email out for me to see. As though I'm supposed to feel guilty about it? He made the remark over the weekend that maybe I had someone on the side waiting for me until I got out of the marriage. I don't think so!<P>What do I tell him? "Um, noticed that you were looking in my email. That's okay. But I need to explain something to you about some of the emails that I get ..."<P>He makes it impossible to talk to him by doing passive-aggressive stuff like that! If he'd just come right out and ask me about the email, I would have told him what it was about. Now he's making it look like *I* have "someone" online.<P>Yeah, right ... as if I haven't learned my lesson about the online stuff a long time ago! <P>Any advice? Suggestions?<P>belld

Hi Bell,<P>Yes, my H suspects me when I am out here posting also. Last night he asked if I was writing to 'my friends here'. I said no because I was just reading some of the posts. He actually meant the posting I had done earlier. <P>So I told him aobut one of the W's that was posting about her WS. After listening about him, he said she should leave him right away! Hm... funny a few of that Ws's antics were similar to what my H pulled. <P>Jealous? A sign, could be a positive one. For now, probably better to just watch and see where he goes with that. While I don't like to post when H is around (don't want to make him feel uncomfortable, I am not afraid to let him read what is here since I believe it will help him. I used to send him some of the posts from here before. He is familar with MB posts. <P>Still it somehow justifies their guilty conscience if they could be jealous or suspect us of 'something'....... <P>Be honest and strong!!!<P>L.<BR>

<B>Belld</B>,<P>Why don't you ask him if he like to look at your email? If he says yes, show him how those eamils that are really posts get there. <P>I mean wouldn't we all love to ask if we like to look at our S email? <P>good luck.<P><B>Orchid</B>,<P>now why do I think I am the <B>W</B> that you were talking about, but I guess we all think that. It wouldn't have anything to do with what a ..... my H has been, would it?

Sing,<P>No it's not you. Otherwise I would have to tell him about the LB Fairie. Is she still flying? Will post to you later. <P>Bell,<BR>Hang in there. Make the Ws go Hm..... Stir up those gray cells. <P>L.

OH!! OH!! OH!! Me too, me too!<P>I had reason to believe that my husband was involved in a swinger's group. One of those matchmaker types sends you a list of other people's details and then you tell the matchmaker which one you are interested in. In order to see if he was involved, I had to register myself on-line, thinking that if I was ever contacted, I would just ignore and decline. I don't know why I did this!!!! I do such dumb things!!!!!!<P>Over the year that we were separated, they sent me occasionally junk that I just deleted without even looking at it. At this point, I didn't even care if my husband WAS into that stuff. I didn't worry about it. But I am completely innocent of being involved in any of that kind of stuff.<P>One day, H broke into my e-mail, saw one of the messages that I was sent on rare occasion and he was ALL OVER IT!!! He was loving it. He called me every name in the book. It was like Christmas day for him--he was sure he had caught me doing the exact same thing he denies he does.<P>This is from the same guy who looks at nasty pictures and e-mails all the girls he ganders at to tell them they look good. Believe me, I have a huge list of e-mail addresses that I have gathered of all these girls sitting right here.

Well, to confess, cruised around all of the single ads sites looking for a profile that fit H's. When he was living with the XOW, that's all I did. Sad, isn't it? <P><BR>belld

Okay I can tell you he will probably say "No, he doesn't want to read your e-mail" he doesn't want to read them WHILE<BR>you are there..because you've just deleted any "good ones"<BR>or "read them first" before you let him read them so you know there is nothing incriminating in them...<P>Before I was a WS..my stbxh did that to me..he would read my e-mails..which to me was a big LB, not because I wouldn't have shared them...but because it was an invasion of MY<BR>privacy..and yes..even being married we can have somethings<BR>that are private..I know that there are some e-mails that I have recieved from friends that THEY don't want anyone else to read..so it's also an invasion of my friends privacy..but if I want to share that..thats another thing altogether different..<P>It's just as bad as listening into a private phone call to someone..doesn't matter if it's a friend or family member..he would do that too..stand there while I tried to talk to my friends on the phone..if I want to share the phone call..wait till I'm off the damn phone don't stand over me like a hawk listening to ever word I say..(I know how my mother felt when we kids would constantly ask her..whose that..what do they want?) my kids do the same thing..and it drives me nuts..yet..if I stand there when he would get a call and he'd get up and go in the other room<BR>or outside to talk I wouldn't ask him about the call...I figured if he wanted me to know about it..HE WOULD TELL ME!!! Sometimes he did...other times he wouldn't..it was no biggy..but HE would ALWAYS ask who is that..what do they want? WHAT?? WHAT?? I went out back to talk to a friend one day who had called long distance..the tv was blaring..the kids had friends over..and stbxh was hollaring at them..so I just went outside to talk...in quiet..stbxh followed me out back..THEN went into the bedroom and opened the window..to "listen" to my part of the conversation to see what we were talking about..he only heard bits and pieces..and came to ALL the wrong conclutions...and I was accused of everything in the book..When he finished with his rampage..I was hurt..I hadn't done anything to be ashamed of..and I didn't feel as though I "OWED" him an explanation of my phone conversation..the call was private..it was personal..and if my friend wanted to talk to him and share these things with HIM, she would have called HIM and talked to HIM..but she didn't..<P>He's gotten mad about my writing to a man friend from childhood..someone I dated years ago..the mans in prision now..and there are only a couple of us that he gets letters from..and my friend even wrote to my stbxh who wouldn't even reply..when he wrote the letters he addressed them to both<BR>of us..because he knew how jealous my stbxh is..he wouldn't want to know what was in the letters if I handed them to him..but then later after I'd put them away..he'd go dig through my things and read them..I'd even went as far as handing him the letter to begin with so he could read it first..but he'd just say.."HE's YOUR FRIEND" he wouldn't even try and become friends with this person..even though I'd try and as Dr Harley says..."invite him in to the relationship, into that room in my house" he wouldn't come in and be apart of that..so he'd stay on the outside looking in..and be jealous over our 30 year friendship..and the sad thing is..he is that way with my women friends from childhood too...not just the men..and he doesn't want me to know any of his "old friends" from his past either..I guess he's afraid they will tell me what he was like as a kid..I'd met a couple of them ..and he would tell me what his friends were like as kids..but when they started telling me<BR>about him..he would get mad, and make excuses on why we would have to leave..and he hasn't seen them since..<P>But like I said..that was before I was a WS..and even now..it's a big LB to have someone invading your personal<BR>space..it all boils down to trust..and respect..for the other person..yes, you may not trust your spouse right now..<BR>and you may not have anything to hide..and be willing to share things with them...but that doesn't mean they want to come in and share those things with you..they may be afraid to..afriad to share themselves afraid that you wouldn't like who they really are underneath that "mask" they try to hide behind...

HUH? ThornedRose your post has me BLOWN AWAY! I disagree with some of the things that you have stated, especially with one spouse afraid that the other spouse will see the real person behind the mask and not like them, WHAT! Why would you marry someone and not show them who you are and what you are about COMPLETELY! A person that hides who they really are, either has a trick up there sleeve and with a devious plan, are ashamed of who they are or feel society as a whole would not accept them. JMO

Yeah, S accused me too. She was adamant about it. I came clean on every close call. I looked her dead in the eye and said I didn't ever cheat. I said it in counseling too. She was only trying to save her ego trip. This was a big rationalization for cheating. She couldn't believe she had been wrong about me cheating. She had been so mean all those years, I just had to have been sc&#%!ng around! It was infuriating at the time, but I'm sure it will be humorous to her in a couple of years!! Deep down she knew I hadn't ever cheated, but she hoped for some validation of her actions.

I thought that married people didn't keep secrets from one another? They aren't supposed to--they are supposed to go through life as a team, right?<P>This is what I tell my husband--married people don't keep secrets.<P>I used to ask him questions about his past (like sex, his relationship with family, some sensitive issues) and he would snap "That's my business, not yours." I let him be about it, after getting that kind of reaction. I figured "Okay, fair enough. It's in his past, it doesn't have anything to do with me." Now, after his affair, I see how relevent some of these "secret" things are, the things that he would not talk about. Some of these things lent a hand in leading up to his behavior.<P>Before I had my supicions of his affair, I would have never dreamed of getting into his wallet, the top drawer of his dresser, his gym bag, or the files on his computer. I DID respect his privacy.<P>He took advantage of my trust.<P>I discovered pictures and messages from Miss Kitty purely by accident, and I could tell that he was lying when I asked about them. Then I did an investigation--something that I dared never do. Because this time I had cause.<P>Now he is hooting and hollering about me invading his privacy, and how could I stoop so low, how would you like me to get into your purse (he has) how would you like me to read your mail (he does) that's my personal private correspondance, (with, let's count them, at least ten other women that I know of, all of it about sex) how dare you, oh wife of mine? <P>He broke into my e-mail--to "show me how it feels" (to spy on me, he reads all letters from men, friends or business associates, and then razzes me about "my little boyfriends")<P>He never has trusted me, from day one. He even has opened my letters and sealed them back up after reading. This was before the affair. I took it in stride, I just figured that I was married to a jealous man and since I didn't have anything to hide, I didn't worry about it.<P>I think the privacy issue bothers the people who have something to hide the most. <P>I will remain an open book--he has my e-mail password and he has the key to the mailbox and I leave all messages on the answering machine for him to hear. Trust is a two-way street.<P>If there is any one thing that I have learned for Dr's Harley and Marriage Builders, it is the importance of absolute honesty with your spouse in every aspect of marriage, past, present, thoughts, feelings, emotions--and communicating that honesty.<P>I had never considered honesty an "emotional need" as is affection and conversation and attractiveness. Now I understand it's importance. Who wants to be married to someone who does not trust you with his secrets? Who wants to be married to a liar? Who wants to be married to someone with a separate life on the side? Not me, and not anybody I know of.<P>Invictus--THANK YOU!!--for putting in words what I have been through. He was absolutely "sure" that I was cheating on him, or planning on it. So he beat me to the punch, I guess. (Deep down he knows that I have never been unfaithful to him, but he's desperately trying to find some way to blame me for something.)<p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited May 17, 2001).]

Re. this privacy thing.<P>There are some things that I'd rather my H *not* read. But not because I'm trying to hide anything. I'm a writer - I write short stories, and have even placed in a few literary journal contests. When I'm writing, I don't like anyone seeing the product when it's "in the works." I'm always afraid they'll think, "Gee, what a stupid idea," or "Man, that's crappy writing." My writing goes through many phrases and processes. <P>But as for emails, letters, etc., there is not ONE THING in those correspondences that my H doesn't already know about. If I email my friend X that I'm distressed because H lashed out about something, H already knows that; it's not as though I'm hiding it. And yes, I think he *does* have the right to know with whom I'm sharing information about the marriage. <P>I don't mind him reading emails from members of my support groups either. Again, these are all issues that I have discussed - or rather *attempted* - to discuss with him. There should be no surprise there.<P>I have told him the names of all of the men with whom I email, of which there are about 3-4 platonic friends that I hear from once every blue moon. It's usually about work-related stuff, or what's going on with mutual friends. Or sometimes stupid office jokes. <P>My H could ask me any time to see my email, my journals, my writing - anything. There is one thing that I have learned, and that is that I should not hide any correspondence from my H. I don't put anything onto disk or paper that I have to "hide" because I feel ashamed of it. If he wants to ask me about the email I receive, he is perfectly welcome to do so.<P>belld

Trying...<P>I agree that it shouldn't be that way..that you should be open and honest..and be able to share things..and not hide <BR>behind whatever mask..but thats how he is..I have always been open..if he wants to ask me something..I don't have a problem sharing..if he asks me to share my journal..fine..but just don't go read it without my permission..thats where the invasion of privacy comes in..<BR>I didn't have anything written there that I was ashamed of..but he made it seem as if I were being secretative just for having a journal..I used to write to two women I've known since 3rd grade (I've been out of school 20 yrs now) so we've been friends for a lifetime..he would go to my apartment when I wasn't home and get my mail..and read my letters then get mad that HE wasn't mentioned in the letters..not that any other men were either..but just that <BR>HE wasn't..<P>I've always asked probing questions..to get to know ppl..if you don't ask...you'll never know..so I would ask him questions about his childhood..his answer..it's the past..<BR>it doesn't effect who I am today..which I completely disagree with..because if we deny our past..we deny who God intends us to be..everything we go through makes us who we will become..whether it be the insane little old lady standing on her front porch starke naked yelling at everyone as they pass by..or the old man screaming at the visitors in the nursing home as they pass by his room, and all he wants is someone to talk to..or the friendly grandmother who makes all the neighborhood kids cookies..and makes them feel loved..or the drunk passed out on the street..but to my stbxh..it's the past..and it doesn't effect who he is..or who he will one day be...so he hides behind his masks..trying to be who he thinks everyone wants him to be..<BR>and not knowing or liking himself..much like alot of ppl when they pray..they they think God wants them to be a certain way when they pray..so they carry that mask with them into the prayer closet..trying to be who they think<BR>God wants them to be..when all He wants is for us to be who HE created us to be..not denying or ignoring all we have been through to be US...<P>But he accused me of being unfaithful long before I became a <BR>WS..and it's a lack of trust..and an insecurity..within himself..to accuse, judge and condemn me for things that I did long before I'd ever met him..and to continue to bring them up like I needed HIS forgiveness for the sins of my youth..when all I needed was God's forgiveness..and my own..<P>It's an unforgiven person who can not forgive others..