I've only been married a yr now.. and everything had been great before marriage... But it's like I married a whole nother person... My boyfriend was kind, sweet, caring, gentle, and happy.. but now. We never stop fighting..<BR>I'm always catching him either looking at porn, flirting with chicks on the internet, flirting with girls on the phone, and aetting dates! He's a horrible person to be around.. always a grouch. He always lies- even about the stupidest stuff so I never know when he's telling the truth.. And he's always pushing the fact that he wants a 3-some a BIG NO on my list! OMG and whatever you do don't provoke him.. When he gets provoked he hits.. I have bruses all the time, he's even caused me to bleed.. I am almost always in fear of provoking him... <BR>But... I love him so much and I know he wants to change.. (everyone probably thinks I'm nuts) He can be soo sweet... and caring sometimes.. but those times are getting less and less... I don't know how much longer I can take it...<BR>Yesterday we had some what of a break through and he has apologized and promised never to hit me again (not that he hasn't before)but I don't know I think he'll really change this time... I'm thinking about going away for a while till he can get his act together.. but will that only make things worse? Will he cheat on me while I'm gone (I'd nver know)<BR>Anyone have any advice??<P>------------------<BR>Miserably yours,<BR>-Pookums

Hi and welcome!The first thing I can tell you is get him involved with MB site and teach him about love busters and the love bank.It makes sence to people who read it and it helps.But most importent he has to go to anger mgt. class.If he realy loves you he will.Start now!Your young and you have a long road ahead of you,make it a pleasent one. NTK<p>[This message has been edited by need to know (edited May 17, 2001).]

GET OUT NOW!<P>If he hits you and you have bleed, he ain't worth it.<P>Call the Domestic Violence Hotline and they can help you. You need to take care of YOURSELF and make sure you are safe.<P>No ifs ands or buts about it.<P>Hopelessmom

This is such a RED FLAG. Get him to an anger management group, if he will. From what I have read about abusers it is a pattern or abuse, then apoligetic kindness. <BR>Don't settle for that! <BR>I am curious, did he show any signs of this abusive nature before you married? His actions regarding 'chicks' and making dates, is totally unexceptable, and risks your health if he follows through. <BR>Please get some help for yourself and take care, L

Hi there,<P> YOu are so young and have your whole life ahead of you.....GET OUT NOW. Your situation will NOT get better but worse. Please follow everyone's advice and get away from him........LU

My ex was physically and emotionally abusive. It only gets worse. There is a cycle of abuse, appology, being nice. <BR>Then it starts all over. HE WILL NOT STOP THIS BEHAVIOR.<P>His involvement with other women is just one more thing.<P>Please get in touch with a battered woman's organization, get counceling for YOURSELF and leave. If you have bruises and have been hurt to the point of bleeding - GET OUT NOW. You will need some support to help you through this. I understand the feeling that you love him dispite this. But it is not safe for you to be in the same house with him.<P>I CANNOT SAY THIS STRONGLY ENOUGH. If you read Dr. Harley's books, even he says that where there is physical abuse you have to leave. <P>E

He has conditioned you into believing that you aren't worth anything, therefore, he can beat you and it is OK, because you can't get/don't deserve anything better.<P>First of all, THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!! IT IS NOT OK!!! THERE IS BETTER FOR <B>YOU</B> OUT THERE!!!<P>Not to be blunt, but, re-read your post. Here's you:<P>Yeah, he flirts and dates with other women, he doesn't make me happy at all, he hasn't shown any respect to me and he beats the hell out of me...<P>But I still love him.<P>Duh. Sorry, but you love the fantasy you've created in your mind. You don't love him. You don't love the person that does this horrible stuff to you and beats the hell out of you. You need to wake up and address reality. Your husband is not who you thought he was. He will not change for you because of anything you do. You love when he is nice to you because it is so rare and infrequent. Guess what? There's other people out there that can make you feel that way almost ALL the time! Wouldn't that be better?<P>What are you waiting for? Him to kill you? To be another statistic? YOU ARE BETTER, YOU DESERVE BETTER, GET BETTER!<P>Leave. Now. I don't care about the "what ifs", "yes, buts" or anything else.<P>I wish you the best of luck.

Pookums,<BR>I have a few questions that may be able to tell you what is wrong with him.<BR>Did he have a computer and internet before you married?<BR>Did he ever have strange sexual requests before you married?<BR>How much time does he spend on the computer?<BR>Does he always comment about other women when he see them?<P>These questions sound strange, but try to answer them.<P>And one more thing, if he continues to hit you, leave him.<BR>And tell everyone of your family members and friends about the abuse.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Hei Dear,<P>Many studies have shown that people in abusive marriages return to the marriages many many times, and not until they wake up in the hospital half dead, or are actually killed, or see their children beaten once too many times, only then escape the marriage. Nothing sacred about marriage. You believed one thing, but you were deceived, and you MUST end this marriage now, not later. You must also beware of threats he might make, or carry out, if you leave. You must leave without him knowing you will leave. You must seek protection. You are not safe.<P>Violence is a compulsive act, the people who are violent cannot help it, their promises are meaningless. The rage takes them, and that is the end. You husband should be soldier where his rage would serve a purpose, but instead he turns to pronography and over-much sex, perhaps a hatred of women after all. He is self-destructive beneath it all, knows not himself, where he is headed in life. His problems are existential, the relationship you have with him has nothing to do with it, but you will forever be the victim of his unresolved existential displacement, hollowness, and despair. Of course he loves you! Without you to beat on and rely on he would be even more lost than he is. And that is why you must anticipate strong resistence when you leave, and this is the gravest danger. Prepare yourself. Don't be reassured. Talk to parents and friends, obtain policy or court protection, file for divorce immediately. Then move, disappear, go to another country for some years. I live in Budapest and can tell you that all over Central and Eastern Europe there are hundreds of jobs for young Americans to teach English or for other jobs. The pay is small, but the costs of living are also very, very small. Learn the lesson of the women who are chased and killedn by obsessive, violent husbands who love then and cannot live without them.<P>Smiles.<BR>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by BioMan:<BR>[B]Pookums,<BR>I have a few questions that may be able to tell you what is wrong with him.<BR>Did he have a computer and internet before you married?<BR>Did he ever have strange sexual requests before you married?<BR>How much time does he spend on the computer?<BR>Does he always comment about other women when he see them?<P>1.Yes<BR>2.No<BR>3.It's his work (websites)<BR>4.Yes<P>Why???<BR>

Well i was just kind of hinting that he may have a porn addiction. Porn addiction is very very serious, and has gotten worse with the introduction of the internet.<BR>before men and women would have the embarassment of going to the store to pick up porn movies or magazines. now all they have to do is sit in the comfort of their own homes and get it.<BR>Do you realize how many more alcoholics there would be if beer was piped in on your faucet?<BR>see what i mean?<BR>I'm not saying that it what his problem is, but is sound like it to me.<BR>1)he looks at porn alot<BR>2) makes strange requests in the bedroom(such as 3somes)<BR>3)looking at, and talking to other women sexually.<BR>4) and i believe that the aggression can be a symtom too.<P>see the way i see it is this, he see the porn so much that he starts wishing his sex life was like it, and when you dont comply(WHICH YOU SHOULD NOT!!!) he gets frustrated and angry. and that is what makes him mean.<BR>I am by NO means saying their is an excuse for being violent with you. <BR>Personally i think you should knock him up side his head.. but that would be a temorary solution.<BR>I was just giving you a possible reason why he is not acting like the man you dated. But i could be wrong.<BR>I will pray for you and Him.<P>PS. i have no real problem with porn..to each their own.. but i believe that it is too easy to get for some people and that it the downfall of most people<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.