My WS is having her OM move here and srt up a house for them,how much of her expences should I bieng paying for.I told her I understood her need to play out this A and told her I would be here waiting for her to return with open arms.She has a new truck,$350,gas to go see him,800 mi. round trip,food,ect.Should I close the joint acc. or just trust her?

One rule to follow for making all decisions in life is this: When in doubt, DON'T!<P>If everything inside of you says YES, then do it. If you don't have total peace about a thing, then don't do it or else wait until you have peace. My policy of joint agreement is to be enthusiastically in agreement with myself! The fact that you have a question is your conscience telling you that something is wrong. When it is right, we usually don't have to ask, we KNOW it's right.<P>It sounds like you don't have peace about financing the affair so go with your gut. And by all means, pray and ask God for His perfect will. <P>I have some questions of my own tho? Why can't she pay her own way if she is going her own way? Why would you make it so easy for her to be without you! Why allow yourself to be used? What are you trying to prove--how much of a doormat you can be? I'm sorry if that stings, but please, let's be reasonable. Are you going to pay her bills because she is taking the children with her? I don't get it?

NTK - IMHO - ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!<P>Now, that said, I am a big proponent of "Play the role, pay the toll." I adamantly believe this can be done without LB'ing and can even be done in a loving way. It's very hard not to rub the WS's nose in it.<P>First, don't offer anything. If she asks for money, calmly state that you're not trying to stop her from playing this out, but you cannot be a party to funding her choices that cause you distress. You must add, however, that you'll gladly pay for other things that further her resolution of the problem, like counseling or a get away with you.<P>WAT

We have always shared the acc. her income is her horses and thats not steady,I'm in const. and always work.I don't know if she is taking the kids,we talked about it and I told her I didn't want the kids around OM till they had been together for at least 6 mo.She is going to see him this weekend and asked to take some furniture that a renter left.I think she wants to get OM estableshed and not tell me.I asked her to be honest with me and she said ,why should she you lied for 5 yrs. about your A .I'm trying to stick to plan A am I on the right tract? I love her very much, NTK<p>[This message has been edited by need to know (edited May 17, 2001).]

Don't finance her affair. By letting her and the OM handle all of the responsibilities themselves you will help the affair come to it natural conclusion. <P>She thinks she wants a life without you? Then let her see what it will be like to be totally without you. It's a form of tough love.<P>Good luck<BR>E

Thanks,I think you are right,but I will have to be careful not to LB while I get tough.I run const. work and some times get the wrong kind of tough with thoes close to me.I'm on my way to see my old boss and then my FIL so I'll wait to make any decision until then.Keep the info and support coming it helps so much! NTK

Take care of your kids only. Perhaps you should talk to a lawyer to find out what your obligations are. She is sounding to me like an unfit mom. Think of your kids. What about the major lovebuster she is throwing at you???? "I'm moving out, send me money!" WHATEVER!

Don't want to get lawer involved yet we're still talking and discovering what we both feel.I don't want to LB so I'm learning to be more patient with my feelings and hers.I talked to her dad about the whole thing and got some very good insite,he divorced WS mom after an A and has had a good relationship with all ever sence.This leads me to my next new post. THANKS NTK

In the book Surviving An Affair, Harley suggests you help her move out, pay a months rent, etc. However, I believe this is only the case when the spouse is moving out, “to be on their own.” If you KNOW she is moving in with the OM, then I wouldn’t pay for anything.<P>As far as your accounts, I’d close all joint accounts IF she is moving in with OM to play house. If she asks about it, tell her your looking after your (as in OUR) money.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>