My wife was wanting to know if there are any folks out there that are in her place,she is 46 with a OM that is 26.She doesn't want to go through life not knowing if this relationship will work or not,as opposed to rebuilding our's.She doesn't have much faith in me right now.What do you guys think? NTK&Co.

Need to know:<P>From your standpoint, I would suggest that you get counseling with the Harley's and start Plan A (or continue it). The counseling is via phone, and you can call 888-639-1639.<P>The chance of her affair becoming a stable marriage is very low. In general, affairs generate stable marriages in a low percentage of cases (<2% if you believe the studies)---and the age difference will be a major issue. The affair relationship is built on a fantasy, and it often can't hold up to the pressures of real life. I'd be mighty worried if I were her: she's 46 and having an affair with a 26 year old. When he's 46, she'll be 66!!!! Hmmmmm, I wonder how she'll compare with a lovely 26 year old girl.<P>But the bottom line is that it's unlikely she'll listen to any negative advice. She's in an addiction right now---and even if she realizes it, she's probably not willing to stop. She's just trying to justify.<P>Your job is to attempt to regain her faith in the marriage by improving your marriage skills. Get one of the Harley's to coach you. It's your best option.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by need to know:<BR><B>What do you guys think? NTK&Co.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What do I think? I think she's in la la land.<P>I suppose you've hypothetically posed the questions:<P>'so what happens when he has HIS mid life crisis'?<P>'will he buy Depends for you'"<P>'will he keep his hands off a 26-year-old blonde with<BR>boobs OVER her naval when YOU are 66'?<P>and so on.<P>Obviously, she's in la la land. But, hey, what<BR>do I know? I'm just another 44 year old Southern<BR>guy bound by too much honor.<P>Bama<BR>

NTK -<P>I am probably close to your wife's situation. When the affair occurred, I was 32 and the OM was 25. At the time, I kind of knew that things would never work out with the other man and I - even if I weren't married. For me, I guess, even though the OM and I were closer in age than your wife and the OM - he was still pretty immature.<P>As a WS you want to believe that it was fate that brought this OP into your life, that it's love, that your stuck in a loveless marriage so why not see if THIS is the person you were meant to be with. But what I've come to learn is that, really, I could have met and fallen in love with anyone really - for any number of reasons, but I chose to marry my H. At the time we were married, I knew that I loved him, and we both made the commitment to love not other. Well, I broke that commitment - and for that I will be forever sorry, but I think what happens to a WS - at least in my situation - is that you're not really happy with your life for whatever reason, you don't hink you're happy enough, you think you deserve more - and to some degree you do, but I have discovered that happiness really comes from within.<P>Your wife has probably gotten herself into a similar situation as I did. Where someone who was younger than her was attracted to her, wanted her, and I would be lying if that didn't make me feel good. When it happened to me, I felt pretty, I felt sexy, I felt confident, self-assure, but all that outward stuff really didn't matter.<P>IT's like eating a candy bar when you haven't had food for days (kind of). The sugar alone make you feel high, it makes you feel good, but in less than an hour you're hungry again, and that's because instead of investing the time and energy to sit down at a full dinner, you chose to grab a quick fix. And, it tastes good at the time, but afterwards, it still leaves you hungry.<P>Would my relationship have worked with the OM? I really don't think it had a snowball's chance on a hot summer day. I could give you a million reasons pertaining to the OM - he was young, immature, untrustworthy (he went after a married woman, so even if our relationship did work, what would prevent him from pursuing another woman if we ever ended up together), or worse, as someone put it, what if when I'm 40 and he's 33, that he decides that he wants someone younger and prettier? I don't think you fall in love with a person just based on the exterior, but it can undermine your own self-confidence.<P>So, there are a lot of things about the OM - reasons I knew why it wouldn't have worked out, but also, the main thing that I realized, is if my H couldn't make me happy, what makes me so sure than I will be satisfied with the OM in a few years? For, me, I guess, I decided to give my marriage a try, and I discovered - really - everything that I want in a man, in a husband - well, my H already possessed those qualities. Most of our problems were unrelated to each other's personalities and compatibility - it had more to do with communication than really anything else. And the affair had a lot to do with my low self-esteem than anything else.<P>Being with the OM appeared to give me self-confidence, but it really stole it away from me. No, I don't think it would have worked out with the OM - and not just because of the age difference, but I would have entered the relationship with the same emotional and spiritual baggage that I already had, and I hate to say it, but I doubt the relationship would have made it past a month.

Need to Know,<P>Well, I have not been your position nor your W's but I have had many friends go after someone much younger, than themselves. Mostly guys and trophy wives, but occasionally a woman going for the younger guy.<P>I cannot say it won't work, but I have seen most of them fail. Why? Well, most marriages from an affair fail to start with. In fact, most affairs don't lead to marriage.<P>However, in the cases of age difference some very basic things start to come up. One is the energy difference. A 40+ maybe excited about going out every night and partying or all night sex, but they don't have the energy to maintain this for more than a few months. 20+ year olds do. I sure did when I was that age, and most of the people I know that married someone much younger faced that problem. <P>I can tell you for a fact when you hit 50+ as I am, the energy level does not go up. I can still do and do do many things but it isn't like I was in my 20's.<P>Next problem: children. The younger person very likely will want them (Yeah, they all say they don't, but must do). In the case of the older male, they can oblige these needs but you still have to raise them. In the case of the older female it gets very dicey. Can they have them at all? Will it be harmful to the child's or Mother's health? Medical science is wonderful, but you now have to have the energy to raise that child, plus work.<P>I am probably not telling you anything you don't know, but I would say 80-90% of the marriage I know of with big age differences failed and they failed with children being the real losers.<P>Your W is in a fog and I doubt that my arguement will be persuasive, but the data is not in her favor. I know you have probably heard from her that she is unique, but we both know she isn't. Problem is you cannot really tell her that.<P>Hang in there, just maybe she will get it together. I truely hope so.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thanks I was about to do something stupid and ruin every thing I'v done all week.I just this am learned that the OM is moveing here(400mi. away)tomorow.She is taking him to set up house south of here.I just hope it lasts long enough to fail and aim her back home,so we can start to build a better marriage for selv'es and our children.That was a close one.THANKES AGAIN NTK