I had posted asking how to start this and have read the books now. My husband is being more open now and we have set aside time each week to talk about it all and are also going to counseling once a week. Now I am going to try to begin Plan A. My question for people is this - how is it possible to feel this way, hear the answers to your questions and then NOT get upset, NOT have angry ourbursts, NOT make mean comments, etc??? We talked last night and I felt like he was being honest and he told me how he felt when he met this OW and why he thinks it happened, etc. It made me feel so bad and I just wanted to cry and yell at him for doing this to me. I just went in the other room and cried but how do you all deal with this? I feel like he did things SO wrong and now I am suppose to suppress all these feelings? Any advice? I do understand that the more LB I display this is pushing him further away and into a state where he feels like we will never get past this. He has said so many times that he has made too many mistakes and our marriage won't survive even if we want it to.....

For me, there is a fine line -- you have to find a way to express yourself, but at the same time make him feel safe.<P>Just remember that it's not a straight line. Two steps forward, one step back...<P>You need to be real with your situation and your feelings (honest) but you have to do it in a way that is beneficial to the relationship, not as a mechanism for you to vent your anger, frustration and doubt.

AP - I can't remember if you're on antidepressants - or if you are, how long it's been. They can really help smooth things out, but it still requires an incredible amount of control. It does get easier.<P>One thing that helped me was some discussion in Pittman's book, Private Lies. To paraphrase, Pittman argues that the betrayed should not take the affair personally. It's no reflection on you. These idiots are screwed up! If we can (and it's not suggested to be easy) we should leave them to their own devices and find something to occupy ourselves in the meantime.<BR> <BR>Over simplified? Yes. But the idea is right on, I think. At least it helped me to look at it that way.<P>Dave