I found out my husband was having an affair two months ago. It has supposedly stopped (who knows) and we are trying to work through things. Through counseling and talking he has said he felt like we never made love (which is pretty much true) and that he felt the sexual attraction and intimacy was missing from our marriage. I agree that it was something we knew was wrong but never addressed and I should have. Not that this warrants an affair but we are trying to understand and get to the root of this thing. I am addressing it now and WANT to be with him and now he doesn't seem interested. He told the counselor in our session that he loves me, thinks I am attractive, etc. but that he feels like it has been this way for so long that it is weird. (we are only 30, been together 10 years and married 3). How do I get him interested again? He feels like we have become best friends and no longer lovers???? The counselor and I have tried to explain that over time people do become best friends and closer and the love you experience is a close love. I do admit there was a big problem in our sex life but I think he liked the "newness" and "excitment" that comes with someone new. Doesn't everyone but you don't act on it. SUGGESTIONS PLEASE.....

The thing we all hate to hear is to be patient and wait it out. And that's what has to be done again. It's also extremely common for this to be part of his withdrawal stage too. So just don't push it, that'll only steer him further away. (I know, much easier said than done).<P>Try using some mild POJA things on sex. Ask him his views ahead of time. Yes, it kills the spontanaeity for now, but that will come back.<P>Best of luck!<P>Karen<BR>

Just a suggestion, but you've been with this guy long enough you must know of some fantasies that you guys haven't done yet. Maybe something you never got brave enough to try? Allowing yourself to break out of the shell and shake things up a bit with a bit of wildness seems to have worked for me to liven things up when we hit the slump. a bit of old fashioned role playing and talking dirty got my hubby's attention, among other things. Came up with stuff as I went along, lol. Like I said, just an idea.

I know you are hurting and really seeking guidance, so I hope you will receive this response in the spirit in which it is given. Your post struck quite a nerve in me. Although I agree with you that nothing justifies an affair, your cavalier attitude regarding your previous lack of desire for a sexual relationship with your H, I find, as a WS, quite distressful. For some reason that I do not quite understand, BS do not want to own and acknowledge their inability and/or unwillingness to meet their partner's needs as a significant contributor to the breakdown of a marriage. And when it is acknowledged, as you have done, it is done in such a way as to minimize the BS's role in the marriage deterioration; i.e., perhaps I was a tiny bit to blame for the marriage problems, but the affair ruined our marriage.<P>Personally, it has been years since I've had an intimate encounter with my H. After so many rejections, excuses, beggings and pleadings to no avail, I just gave up. Obviously there were many things that I loved, wanted and needed from my H that I choose to stay married to him. But, for purposes of self-preservation and self-esteem, I began to think of him more as a best friend or sibling. I think when a spouse reaches that point in thinking, an agreement to merely acquise to sex again does not ameliorate the problem. I know I would feel as if I were being patronized, and I would not like it one bit. Moreover, there is no on-off switch the quickly wipes away the feelings of hurt and rejection. (Yes, WS's feel hurt and rejection too).<P>But I digress. You asked what you could do. I think the way to begin to address the problem lies outside the bedroom. Hugs and touches in a friendly, non-threatening manner, to let your spouse see that you are open to intimitate touching would be the way I would suggest you start to address the problem. Making the relationship conducive to intimacy--outside of the bedroom--I think will likely open it up to more intimacy inside the bedroom too. But don't try to rush things thinking that pure sex will solve the problem; it won't. Your H will probably need time to see that he is being accepted and won't be rejected and that you are indeed being sincere in your desires. Anyway, those are my thoughts.<P>

Hi Adviseplease:<P>This may sound funny to you but I wonder if the thing to do is to begin again....go back and recreate the excitement you once felt for each other....it's usually just a way of looking at each other that has developed into a pattern.<BR>This will probably not be hard for you since you have no recent "fresh" romances to compare to, but your WS may find it harder but not impossible if he tries. <P>Try setting aside some time for dating again...free from kids and family...just for yourself...invest some time in finding new different activities for you two to do together...in other words let the time you spend together be as carefree and fun as the time spent with OW would be...act like you did when you first dated....hang on every word and let him feel you think he's wonderful. I think over time everyone...including H...gets to feeling unattractive and unappreciated in their life...that's what we're after when we get involved with a new relationship...that feeling that someone thinks we special...gives us a generous dose of self-confidence. <P>Also most men are physical in nature and sexual connection begins with making that physical connection...this is one thing that you can do...start trying to be more affectionate with him....touching, hand holding, stroking, massaging...anything that brings your bodies together. It may not be sexual at first...but eventually the connection will grow.<P>I'm afraid it will be an uphill battle right now, because he's convinced himself that he does not have any sexual feelings for you now....but that could be withdrawal and may get better in time...two months is not a long time...this may take a months or year to resolve itself.<P>He's there, Honey...make him glad he is. <P><BR>Faye <P>

Don't forget to flirt.

Read "Light His Fire" or "The 10-Second Kiss" - follow the exercises in them. There are tons of suggestions for how to make the relationship more exciting.<P>While it is completely unfair and sucks rocks to have to be the one to do the work when he is the one who cheated on you, that is generally how it goes.<P>BTW, I didn't see anything cavalier in your story. If there was an intimacy problem in your marriage and he did not communicate his unhappiness to you - how are you to know that it is a problem? We do not read minds, and should not be expected to. It is, of course, very sad when someone does communicate his or her unhappiness and is still denied, but it is still NEVER the betrayed's "fault" or responsibility that the wayward chose that path.<P>Hang on for the ride, adviceplease ... the roller coaster has started...<P>sb

Distinguish between "the things you can do" and the "persons that you are". Granted, figuring out the second takes you past your own lifetime, but you have to give it thought. I've been with a good number of men (30+) and have had 5 major relationships, one to my H, from whom I'm separated. My experience tells me that every intimate encounter with every person is totally different. Weird, but with H it's always been a bit dismal--like he wasn't really totally there, though times it's been great. Turns out after ten years we find out neither of us has been happy. H experiences me as too overt and not affectionate enough, and I get him as not being able to figure my body out. That happened, I'm now sure, cause he was actually turned off by me, so he couldn't invest the attention. I was looking for better technique and he was looking for a soul f**k. <P>Never know with sex, but it represents a lot. You may try all the techniques in the world, but if the chemistry isn't there, it isn't there. You only know if you try though.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by S-Buster:<BR><B>While it is completely unfair and sucks rocks to have to be the one to do the work when he is the one who cheated on you, that is generally how it goes.<P>BTW, I didn't see anything cavalier in your story. If there was an intimacy problem in your marriage and he did not communicate his unhappiness to you - how are you to know that it is a problem? We do not read minds, and should not be expected to...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>S-Buster.. your post hit me like a brick. It's <B>exactly</B> how I feel. He lied and cheated for years and now I'm left to toe the line all by myself. Now he ignores me, doesn't call, etc. He <B>never</B> communicated what was wrong with the relationship in any way (he admits this). I'm thinking it's hopeless, because the more I try, the more he pulls away. <P>Adrian

thanks to you all.... I will take all the advice!