I am wondering what full recovery really means? I read the average time seems to be about two years even if people think they are recovered after a few months. <P>Does it mean I will never again ask my wife a question about her affair? Does it mean I will never think about it again or maybe just once a month? Does it mean I might think about it but it won't make me angry anymore?<P>Also I am wondering if the length of time for the WS to recover is significantly different that the length of time for the BS. I would think the BS would have a harder time because they were the one offended. Some WS don't seem to have hardly any guilt and it seems almost that they don't have anything to recover from except guilt and that they were discovered. I do know some cases where there seems to be no guilt whatsoever (including my wife).

IMO, there is no such thing as a full recovery. What has happened to all of us in our marriages, is something that will always stay with us forever. We will never forget, but I imagine the pain gets easier to deal with over time. It's a grieving process we are all going through... remembering what once was, and how it will never be the same again. But, as the saying goes, life goes on, right?<P>I think the main point of this board, and Harley's concepts, is to make the most of a bad situation, to put it bluntly. <P>There is no real time limit for everyone. Each person can only take so much. For some, 'recovery' can take the 2 yrs, others, much more or much less. However, if I'm not mistaken, I think the 2 yr mark is the average time to go through a full plan a and plan b. It's when that time is up, that the 'full recovery' BEGINS.<P>I would imagine that it takes the WS much longer to recover than it does the BS. But that's based on those on this board. This board is a majority BS, and it seems that it's us who take the primary initiative to rebuild our marriages. Once we're in plan A mode, the idea is to move on with our lives, and to be happy again, and do things for US. While we're doing that, the WS is usually still in the fog. Once it lifts (if it ever does), THEN the WS SHOULD start to move on too.... to be happy with who they are, and make the necessary changes. Of course, the WS has the withdrawal period to go through first before recovery can begin in it's fullest... and that length of time is immeasurable too.<P>Not sure if this has helped you any... but I hope something may have given you insight.<P>Karen<BR>

Hi Karen, yes it helps. Except in my case my wife said she has been able to totally forget about it a week after it happened. The only times she thinks about it is when I bring up a question. That's why she hates questions so much because she has forgotten all about it. I think in some cases the WS feel little guilt or remorse. They feel bad that their partner is taking it so bad that they just had a fling.<P>If you look at a lot of magazines, a fling is almost promoted as being a good thing. In the old days sleeping with anyone other than your husband was a bad thing. But now if you don't sleep with enough people and get enough kind of experience (under your belt) then you are a poor lover. So maybe this attitude contributes to affairs? I know the WS comes up with many reasons for the affair but I think sometimes it is very difficult to pinpoint. Because some marriages have a problem and their is no affair. Other marriages have the same problem and there is an affair. So the problem cannot be the excuse or reason. Well perhaps it is a measure of the person's weakness to temptation and any kind of problem is the excuse. <P>I admit some marriages are very bad but whether that justifies an affair? Maybe if the marriage gets better after that? But still I think the pain is too great for this as a solution. Maybe there is no logic, the opportunity came up, there was no thinking and then it happened. The thinking comes later. If there was thinking before maybe affairs won't happen. <P>But that's not true either because I read posts from people who know that they are heading for an affair but they just can't control themselves to stop. They cannot imagine the misery that happens after. It is the same as a smoker who cannot imagine dying of lung Cancer. <p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 17, 2001).]

Ever hear of the saying, "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt"??.. that's for your wife (grin). I think she's just in denial...and doesn't want to deal with the issues, and just move on as though nothing happened. The problem is, something DID happen. You know it, we all know it here on MB.... it's how to convince your WS about it. That's a toughie. <P>I would strongly bet that she does have feelings of remorse and guilt. But she's choosing the option of walking away from it, because it's the easy way out. Somewhere along the 'out of sight out of mind' scenerio.<P>I really don't know how you could get her to realize your need to know. Would she read up on this site? Would she be willing to go and see a marriage counsellor with you? Perhaps talking on the phone with Steve Harley? (I haven't, but so... many people on here have, and by the sounds of it, he's awesome! grin). Have you read 'surving an affair'? I'm in the process of reading it now, and it's helping me tremendously with talking to my H (we're not in recovery, but so long as I can stick to the concepts from MB, then there's a great chance we will be).<P>Just keep posting, and keep asking questions... start new threads for specific questions too. Just take in as much info as you possibly can, and find what will work best for you.<P>Best of luck!<P>Karen<BR>

Rodger,<P>I don't think I should be giving advice but I feel the same way you do. HOWEVER, my husband FINALLY started really opening up this week about how he was feeling, why he thinks it happened, etc. I know more now than I did. It has hurt so bad but in a way I just want to know it ALL and then figure out how to move forward. Our counselor says my husband has always run from problems rather than face them. It was his idea just to run from all this because it was too hard to get past. However, this week he started opening up to me. Not good advice but... last weekend I LB all weekend. I even felt a little bad about it - I was out of hand but it was also my bday so he didn't really argue with me. Then in counseling this week I made the comment that if I knew more of the facts then all these questions and acusations would subside because I would have the story. Anyway, who knows... I think I am deciding that it all takes time and only time will tell what they do. Don't know about you, but it has made me really insecure about myself so I am going to try to work on that. I also am constantly questioning his whereabouts, etc. and I know that is driving him nuts. I think he deserves it but it is LB to him so I am working on things.. We will see how this weekend goes. Since we talked all week and are exhausted from it I am going to try to stay away from it this weekend and give us both a break... GOOD LUCK

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by adviceplease:<BR><B>...in counseling this week I made the comment that if I knew more of the facts then all these questions and acusations would subside because I would have the story</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Exactly. So why do counselors such as mine say you shouldn't ask? It's hard to move on when you don't even know what you're moving on from. In my case I don't even know how many A's there have been, just that there have been more than one. Good luck anyway...