It's been about 2 months since I told my spouse of my affair and it's been the hardest 2 months of my life. I want so badly to do things right for us but it's difficult, when I still have feelings for this other man. I have tried really hard and succeeded in not getting in touch with him, at least for the past two weeks. I think about him constantly and wonder what he is doing and thinking. It's hard to drop someone after we were so emotionally and physically involved. I feel like such an awful person for still having these feelings for him. But I felt like I was in love with him and it's hard to just forget that. My husband would be so hurt to find out all these things I've been thinking about and feeling. I feel like I've lost my best friend, someone who trusted me and needed me. I want so badly to call him, to see him and ask him how he is doing. He just recently found out that he has cancer, he had it once before and was in remission and now it is back. Not only was his health not good when I ended the affair, but I also broke his heart and I feel like such a horrible person. But then I also look at what I did to my husband and he's still having a hard time dealing with it all, but he's trying really hard; sometimes I feel like I'm going to be sufficated with all the attention he has been giving me; but I understand where it is all coming from. <P>Where do I go from here, I guess I just need to know that I'm heading in the right direction and if I am why does it hurt so much?<P>Thanks for listening!<BR>QuietOne

Dear Quietone:<P>Although I am a BS, in reading your post I can tell how much you are hurting over this...but sometimes we make mistakes in life and getting over them is hard....but hurt is not a good measure of rightness...your H has been deeply hurt by your A I'm sure...is it right for him to hurt and not you? <P>I really think you are doing well. This is difficult...you are right..you have gotten yourself involved in an emotional and physical turmoil and withdrawal from that is what you're experiencing. The effects lessen with time although don't expect them to leave entirely for some period of time or possibly they will be with you for the rest of your life.<P>Stay here at MB for a while...read over the material at the site, the posts and some of the books recommended (Survivng An Affair, Private Lies, His Needs, Her Needs, etc.) ..you will find help with what you're feeling. You will find that what you're feeling is not unusual and entirely survivable...if you have commitment to save your marriage.<P>Welcome and I hope you find some peace and hope here.<P><BR>Faye<P>

Just keep on reading here and posting here. You've made an awesome choice in doing that so far, keep it up! <P>Your post sounds like you're going through classic withdrawal symptoms. I don't know exact links to go to, but hopefully you can find some, or someone else on here can help you with it.<P>Your wanting to stay in touch with the OM come from your heart. Although I'm the BS, I cannot relate to that need fully, but I can certainly understand it. You are to me, a very compassionate and caring person.<P>But if your intent is to save you marriage, you MUST focus on that! Do NOT contact OM, or else you'll only be starting from scratch again.<P>There are many WS's on here who will be able to give you sound advice on how to cope with it all. Just hang in there! Keep on posting your feelings here, and as usual, read as much as you can! (it will take some time for much of it to absorb well though... so don't despair).<P>You are doing the right thing in wanting to rebuild your marriage... good for you!!<P>Karen<BR>