Has anyone tried Plan A while seperated? What was the outcome? <BR> My wife and I will be seperating at the end of June. She's bought a house(!) ; I'm looking into a townhouse. My wife has done some mean, mean stuff behind my back. We work together; she's a mgr. in another dept. She's seeing a salesman (quick recap). This guy doesn't seem like much !<BR> I think I deserve much better treatment ( actually, dogs deserve better) than my wife has given in the past 10 mos.I'm not sure what I want to do; try to plan A or do plan B or D. <BR> She says she doesn't love me, she wants to be "friends";wants me to be a "big part of her life".She keeps pushing the friends line, it makes me angry.Only minor LB in response. Note no sf in months and months. I guess we are living the friendly life!<BR>Thanks.<BR> <BR> <BR>

I tried Plan A for months without knowing it (before finding this site), then finally after really hitting the wall threw the creep out. I'm now thinking about the combination method, but like you, I'm so mad and so hurt Plan A sounds phoney to me. I more like want to rip his manhood off than play nice. In your situation I would look really deeply into your heart and see what you want/need--and can live with. Do for yourself, you need a break. Since the EMA is ongoing you have a right to call your own shots. If I were you, and since I'm not this is ONLY an opinion, I think I would say, ok, you want to be friends but get divorced, that's fine. If you want a divorce I can't stop that and it would be beneath me to try (keep your dignity!) by begging. But there's no way I can just turn and be your close buddy now. Maybe down the road. Since friendship has been a major part of our relationship, it doesn't have to disappear. But for me to continue to be a MAJOR part of your life: you're probably deceiving yourself gal. We'll move apart, and most importantly, I will move on.<P>It's normal for people to want it all, to indulge themselves without paying a heavy price. Your W is in the fog of the affair, she's in love and sees you in friend-like terms and can't have sex with you, etc. She wants the romance with the little salesman and the stability and warmth with you. Learning the limitations is a part of life!<P>

OK FM, I think I can help you. My wife initiated separation soon after her affair started. I heard the same things you have. You'll find WSs speak from the same script. The short answer is that you can Plan A while separated. You HAVE to plan A while you're separated unless you are already set for Plan B.<P>Please tell me what has transpired for the last 10 months. Were you Plan A'ing during this time? Did you make improvements in yourself and demonstrate your improvements? How's the balance in your love bank?<P>WAT

gonemad - Thanks. I appreciate your insight and agree with what you see. BTW - a divorce hasn't been discussed, she insists she's not interested in one and that this seperation isn't permanent. However, she constantly lies and keeps things from me, so I put no stock in what she's currently saying.<P>WAT - Thanks for your post. My wife got promoted at work in September. That seemed to be the beginning of the end. She started going out all the time and partying w the sales staff and sales VP. At this same time, she started lying ( e.g."I'm going out w a girlfriend". I find out the next day she'd closed a sports bar w this seperated sales guy instead of her girlfriend.) There was more like this; she'd turned into Party Girl. I stayed w the kids, cooked,laundry, tried to love her. She was frozen; unresponsive. Increasingly hostile and distant.I didn't handle this well,I LB big time.( What are you doing, let's go out as a couple, you're creating a single life, etc). My wife's reponse in general was that she wanted peace, I wasn't giving her peace. I also started snooping at this time, got caught 3-4X. MAJOR problem.<BR> I got a reference to a Christian councellor from our Pastor in Feb. The councellor said we had a very strong foundation, we should be out of there in 3-4 visits.My wife denied an affair and shredded me. The councellor focused on me as well. I was looking for the councellor to help set some boundaries in our marriage; she didn't come close. We went for 3 visits, was a waste of time. Wife didn't want to go anyway.I am not perfect, but I thought I was a very good mate, I was pretty devastated. I had found the MB website in Feb also. Started trying plan A, but it takes practice and I didn't really hit the "zone" until April.I also started w Steve Harley in April.<BR> My wife has commented on changes I've made. At this point I believe this split has more to do w her focusing on "her pursuits" than w me.I've always thought I was lucky to be w her and showed her constant affection through our marriage, always helped around the house and kids.<BR> I love her dearly, but I'm being abused. Wife and I work for the same company, she's vocal about our seperation and how good it is for her.A few of the party group at work know about the affair, of course they support her.She hasn't told most friends or family.<P> At this point I think it's time to do a 180. I've read many books, and some of Dobson's " Love must be tough" appeals to me, as well as "Divorce Busting". After 10 months of trying to convince her we have a great thing at home and how much I love her, I'm going to reexamine my strategy.I'm loving a beautiful woman who is self-centered , selfish, and apparently sees little value in us. This kills me, perhaps it's time to move on.<BR> Sorry for the loong post! How did you handle your seperation? <p>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited May 18, 2001).]

FM - if you're still working with Steve, there's nothing I can add about Plan A while separated. To summarize, you must not LB, you must look for and find your faults and correct them, and you must demonstrate your improvements to your wife. This is essentially the "Divorce Buster's" 180.<P>But, starting Plan B to coincide with your separation should be given consideration. Talk to Steve about this. This is what I should have done, but I hadn't found MB by this point. To make it work, I think you must demonstrate your improvements before she leaves. Also, it's going to be hard with kids. <P>I'm close to Plan B now. We separated last August. Affair started in June.<P>Your wife's behavior is right from the script. It's spooky how similar they all are.<P>WAT

I am currently separated, and going through plan A. It took me a few months to get the hang of it, but I feel like I'm on the road to becoming an expert! grin<P>In my situation, I find it to be the best thing. If I hadn't kicked my H out of the house, then I don't think the events leading to my want to reconcile would have occurred, nor would I have ever found out about this site!<P>The fact that H and I have children together, makes it all the easier for me to have contact with him, and to put to use the things I've learned from here (and other sources).<P>Your W saying that she still wants you to be a big part of her life and to stay friends is all too familiar to me. I got those 'lines' the other night from H. It's part of them wanting their cake and eating it too. It's not fair to us, but once you can accept that, you can deal with it.<P>In my case, it seems to be working. H is slowly coming to grips with the fact that he wants to work things out between us. Granted, he hasn't actually confirmed it in words to me.. but our conversations lean more and more in that direction now.<P>What's my point in this? I really don't know! LOL. I guess I just wanted to let you know that someone out here understands, and is going through similar experiences. As far as the separation between you and your wife goes, if she's bound to make it happen, then let it. You can't force her to stay. She also needs the chance to miss you. By living apart, that's a really good way to start on that.<P>Continue to be the better person in all of this. Try not to be too discouraged with the LB's that crop up... you're only human! They're bound to happen. Just concentrate on fulfilling whatever EN's for your wife that you can, and work on you. Just keep on Plan Aing. When/if you have had enough of that, move on to Plan B (which you cannot just jump right into... unless you have been Plan Aing some time now). The choice is yours, I wish you the best of luck. Just stay positive, and make the most out of whatever situations come up.<P>Karen<BR>

family man,<P>Just keep showing her who the better man is. If she can not see it. It is her lost. She will realize one day and regret it. My friend parents split up after 40 years of marriage. Her father had the affair. He reqrets what he has done. But as far as her mother is concern it to late.<P>Hang in there

Family Man:<BR>I wish I had found this site from the beginning, it would have helped me as the BS. My H left 10 mths ago & OW moved right in with him. It's been driving me crazy because there was no indication of A, and I couldn't understand, until I found this site. <P>I've been researching & reading A LOT, it's helped me tremendously to understand. It has also helped me put things in perspective. My H has done not only mean things behind my back, but in front of my face & H has been very hateful, hurtful, etc. (the list goes on!). Apparently this is not unique, they turn into a different person. It amazed me to see even the things they say (standard lines) are typical in A's. I see a lot of the same things on this site my H has said. "doesn't love me" "wants to be friends" "not in love with me" You said she keeps pushing the friends line, I heard this so many times, at the beginning, but now that has changed he wants NO contact. I kind of think H did this (the friends thing) because he was waffling then and wasn't sure about OW, now that H is living with IT, the "friends" thing has changed.<P>Some information I've gathered from this site says:<BR>People usually have affairs because their unmet EN (in the marriage) are being met by the lover. It's usually an addiction. WS is suffering from the effects of the addiction. WS is almost powerless to resist the lover. It's says they develop an incredible feeling of attachment with OP and are willing even to give up everything. When this hits them, all the sudden, their brains turn to mush and they don't have any values at all at that point,it has to do with the fact that when your having an affair you’ve about lost your IQ. (addiction & FOG). <P>As for your comment "this guy doesn't seem like much", I couldn't believe the OW my H dug up, it's big time bad news. Apparently it's not what the OP is, it's how they make the WS feel...good. That's why I truly believe, no doubt, it's the addiction & my H is buried in the FOG. (I can honestly say I have not had even the least bit of jealousy...that's how bad OW is). <P>You said "I think I deserve much better treatment(actually, dogs deserve better)" <P>I agree. Speaking of DOGS, my H also abandoned HIS dogs also, they got left with me. You see total disregard, it's like nothing matters, but the A/OP. None of us BS's deserve this. I try to view the the situation (A) in this perspective: because of the addiction & FOG, my H doesn't understand or even SEE clearly what he is doing. Of course I'm not in a position to try tell him, not that he would listen anyway. He had even told me once he didn't understand and I don't think he really does. Looking at this from the viewpoint of the addiction & FOG, has helped me to kind of remove myself from the the direct hits of H's unfavorable actions and words. Therefore, H's inappropriate behavior is a result of the A (addiction & FOG) and the conflict that's going on inside himself. The acting out of anger (again typical)is his reaction to this conflict. In truth, I think, the turmoil, hurt, and pain of the conflict within himself results in ourwardly exhibiting anger and hostility, especially towards me (again typical). This tells me that on some level he knows what he is doing and has done is wrong. In conclusion, I don't take his actions & words personally, but view them as an expression of HIS inner conflict. This viewpoint prohibits H from inflicting his inner conflict on me, therefore preventing me from further or additional suffering. Evidently, in our marriage, there were EN's of H's that were not being met. But, I will not accept the responsibility of his A, since that was his choice. It's enough that I and others have to deal with the repercussions of OP's actions. <P>If you read information in this site it could clarify a lot of things it certainly has for me. <P>I found Dr. Harley's radio talk shows. I've started listening to them and found them informative and helpful also. Here is the hyperlink:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html</A> <P>Sorry I don't feel I can offer any specific advice on the Plan A or B for you. I will suggest that you read, read, read, and know that this has been a great help to me. <P>Take care and May God Bless <P>