My husband was telling me how unhappy it was 4 months before I found out about the affair. Why did he not leave? He could of left and went with his true love. The both of us could have been happy. I think if your unhappy it is time for you to leave. If your are that unhappy why stay? He has balls why didn't he use them. He treated my like crap. I can not get over it. He told right after I found out. That he did not love and thinks he never did. He told me the other night we could have a marriage that will last thirty years. That all marriages have bumps in the road. WELL, I do not call what he has done a bump in the road. It is a major infraction. <P>Thank you

I had a lot of calculating to do when my WS told me about his A. Before he confessed, we were talking. We went out on dates regularly, he would take our baby and give me a break. I was in school at the time, and when I would get discouraged, he was still a friend to me. When he was upset about something, I was there to calm him down.<P>Then he confessed. Yet, he was still doing some things for me and us that were nurturing. But guilt eventually forced him to come clean, because dishonesty is not something either of us want to bring to our marriage. He made a bad choice that I wish never happened. When I made my choice to forgive him, and stay, I also made a choice to deal with the anger I still feel at times. What helps me is to think about the good things, the comforting things, the friendship we still have and enjoy together. <P>If I keep replaying my anger, feeding it, it stays alive. This is where I must "kill with kindness". It's a lot of work for me, but it is getting better. What works for me too is believing that my marriage will work, that I will get past this "major infraction". I simply have too many other important things in life to enjoy to resent someone. ;} Hurting is normal, healing will come and don't forget to pray through it and come here and vent EVERYTIME you need to. It really makes a difference.<P>Oh yeah- why didn't he leave? Because sometimes, although we want something different, we don't want to go about the right way of change. Due to Fear.....

Thank you Ymon<P>Last night, I left to go to a meeting. But, My car would not start. So when I came back inside, He had his cell phone. Well, you know who he was calling. He got my car started. He road around town for awhile. I can not believe he thinks I am stupid. I am supose to trust him. Oh I can not tell who he can talk to. I have asked him to leave several times. I do not know why he will not go be with the B()(( and leave me alone. I am sick and tired of it. Why is he such a chicken. She is so special, soulmate, and she can talk a lot of ****. Well, You can see the trash go for it. It is alot of bologna. How can there be fear? When you have found you true love.

mon,<P>I'm sorry if I've asked this before, but has your H read any of the Harley books, such as SAA? Have you talked to him about the principles and the Harley method?<P>I've read many of your posts, re., things that the OW says to your H to manipulate him. If you take each of those sentences and examine it and translate it into "OW-speake," then yes, the language is most definitely manipulative in a very passive-aggressive way. But please don't miss the forest for the individual trees; mon, the OW's manipulation of your H, of you, of your marriage begins the second when she picks up the phone to call your H. Whenever she answers the phone, *knowing* that it is your H. She could be reading to him off the back of a soup can; it's not the content of what she says; it's that she "is" in your marriage. She "is." She exists within the parameters of your marriage. Do you understand?<P>Now, that said - I'm not letting your H off the hook, because *he* is the one calling the shots, whether he knows it or not. He is betraying you each time he calls the OW. He is betraying you every time he picks up the phone and talks to her. What do Harley and Frank Pittman have to say about defining an affair? They say (paraphrased) "If you want to know if your actions constitute an affair, ask your spouse." What do *you* feel that your H's actions indicate, mon?<P>I can relate to you in particular because I went through something similar. Right before my H came back home, I had talked with Steve Harley and read SAA. So I knew what to expect. When I got home from work, my H was waiting on the porch of our home. I took one look in his eyes, and I knew that it would be a very long time before the OW was out of our lives for good. This was in late February 2000. As far as I know, her last call to my H was in December 2000. A few days before Christmas.<P>Any contact she had with my H, and any attempted contact on her part twisted the knife deeper and deeper. Every single time it happened, it was D-Day all over. So, as far as I'm concerned, I'm only about 4 1/2 months into recovery. During this time I lost so much of my self-esteem and confidence, I began to feel invisible. Nothing. As innucuous and inconsequential as a wisp of air; as noticeable to my H as a dandelion seed in the wind. This time - when H was secretly talking to and seeing the OW - is the point at which I felt my desire to work on the marriage erode. I felt as though it was the beginning of a very slow end.<P>I glean a lot from your posts and your use of words; the feelings you project are evident. I can tell that you want your marriage to work, and that you love your H, but that you are frustrated on many levels, and that your lack of control over your H's interaction with the OW is killing you. What will happen will happen; he is still deeply in the Fog right now. But please - don't let yourself become invisible. Do Plan A, if it suits you. Do Plan B, if it suits you. But *please* make sure that you have counseling to address *your* needs as an individual. I quit therapy way too soon, and wish that I'd done much more recovery work. Please don't let yourself disappear like I did.<P><BR>(((hugs)))<P>belldandy

Hi Mon,<P>Why won't he go and be with OW? Why didn't he leave you before you found out about the A? <P>Oh yea, they will tell you they meant to tell you. B4 they got caught. What else are they going to say, they got caught?!?!? <P>One reason may be that they really don't want to leave, feel to guilty to ask to come back &/or are afraid you won't take them back. Could be more but that's a lot and enough for now. Yep, my H was one of those. Major conflict avoiders. I even found an e-mail where he told OW that as long as he knew he had his W waiting he would continue as is. <P>Fortunately for him, I figured that out before I read that e-mail. You know, I could just tell. Hm.... That's when I went to plan B and used the tough love stuff. <P>So far it is working. H didn't really appreciate my being 'nice' to him. Kind of acted like a spoiled kid. The more I gave, the more he took and made me feel guilty. YUCK!!!!!<P>No more yuck, no more guilt. I have it all to him and said, you go with OW and say goodbye to your family. Well, push came to shove, he didn't like it. So he is on his last chance here at home. 3rd week home and still here. Oh, OW is still putting out her 'feelers and claws', but so far she is getting the cold shoulder. Try reading the post I put out about "PB strikes again". You'd be surprised to the extent some of the desparate OWs go to keep 'someone elses man.". <P>So understanding illogic is not always possible. How to work with it is possible. <P>L.

All of you thank you.<P>I am tired of the crap. I am tired of being miserable every day. I know you guys understand. I can not stand him putting me down any more. He can put the OW down from now on. He says that I can not talk to him. How can you talk to someone you do not trust.

Back again. Had to search to find you....<BR>I pray that you are holding up well. I still have some moments with H because I am the type of person that if I do something and I know it's wrong, I try to be prepared for when my rightful consequences come to me. Then we have my H the guiltmaster. He will bottle up and hang on and blow up and then I have to check him. The man is NOT driving me crazy. I know full well my trust in his behavior is not what it was. But I do not let that control my emotions, you know?<P>Anyway, just checking in. Orchid I'll have to read more of your posts too. I thought about what you said.....