As I ease threw this website I am sickened. What kind of advice are they giving? As far as I can tell it looks like some first year just out of college idiot reading out of the manual. I can give better advice than this. As I read the discussion groups so can everyone that has issues and has dealt with they’re lying POS spouse. When you are the one being lied to and cheated on. This “Plan A, Plan B” Crap is not going to work. <BR>Now I know some people are going to read this and say, “ He is just mad, angry and upset that his wife cheated on him”. And most likely they will say that I need to relax and think things out with out getting mad, angry and or upset.<BR>Well for one there are right. I am mad, angry and upset. But I have the right to get pissed. And as far as thinking. I am thinking. And this is how. You don’t dump your spouse; you don’t kill and or physically hurt your spouse. You let them believe that everything is ok, you love them and let them think that they are close to you. Then let them know how much they hurt you. And I am not talking about cheating on them that is dishonorable and you would not be any better then them. I am talking about true pain. Just like you felt when you where lied to and cheated on. Find out what upsets them and use it and find out what they like, want and need. Work it. You would be amazed how easy it is to find your spouses weakness. (Oh and I am sure that they only told you just enough to make what they did to not seem so bad. And If I was a betting man and I am sure that they are still lying to you. And never told you everything)<BR> I know that it sounds mean and cold. But look at it from this point of view. If you didn’t find out that your spouse was cheating on you they would have been just find with it. Now that you know they play victim and tell you crap like it’s your fault for some reason. Those people are very selfish and have no honor. They didn’t care that they where doing it and no matter how much they tell you that they are sorry they cheated on you they are not. They are only sorry that they got found out. <BR> So the way I see it is at the very least you deserve to say anything you want and be as pissed as much at you want. Because when you suppress your anger the only thing you do is let the other side win. <BR>

Feel better?

the end;<P>I see one of your interests is "guns"... that sounds real safe.<P>This stuff works, and works quite well. Your method seems to be "punish the heck out of them". Will that save your marriage? Will it make you feel better?<P>If you want to work on your marriage, we'll help you out as much as possible. If you just want to piss and moan about how this site is "crap", I'd suggest that you leave until you're ready to do something constructive.<P>When you learn how to <B>manage</B> your anger, you grow up, and you win. Otherwise, you're just going to act like a hurt little boy.

HMMM, The End, u just described what PLAN A is. U give them a safe haven for them to feel comfortable to open up and talk to you. And then it makes it easier for the betrayed to voice there hurt without the Betrayer turning it back around on you. Everything you said is completely right to me, u should be able to express your pain, and it is all about HOW you go about it. Like it or not, u did a Plan A. U are just still angry, which comes with the territory.<p>[This message has been edited by trying2_4give (edited May 18, 2001).]

ouch!<P><B>So the way I see it is at the very least you deserve to say anything you want and be as pissed as much at you want</B><P>i dont believe that you will find that anyone wants you to not be angry, but that there are constructive ways to be angry and distructive ways to be angry. what you described would have been distructive for me.<P>you are right you deserve to be angry, and you should get to be angry, and you should have a way to express how hurt you are.<P>if you decide to hang aroung a little you will find that as the recovery happens, and as the spouse whos hurt you so bad comes around (out of the fog) they will know the pain youve felt, and you will know their remorse and you will see that they too get to feel the pain that they have inflicted. <P>there are probably some who dont, and i cant fathom why people strive to salvage those relationships, there are undoubtedly those who look at mine and say why would you want to stay there in fact many have, and others who look at my wife and say the same why would you want to keep him?<P>the truth for me is that each situation has its own identity, and everyone reacts to this situation in thier own unique way, its ok for you to have your judgments about whats good or bad about this place, but just because it may or may not work for you doesnt mean that there is no value or depth to the work being done here.<P>sometimes just sometimes there is profound wisdom in what seems to be the simpleist thing. its just that when you hear it, your not ready to understand it.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz

the end.<P>We all know how you feel. It is hard to imagne. How could someone hurt you this way. It makes me sick to think about it sometimes. My husband told me they were soulmates. I felt like telling to take his soulmate and stick her up your a@@.

Thanks for all of your replies. To tell you the truth sometimes I need to vent but I am a very emotional person and I don’t talk openly to anyone about my feelings. I don’t think anyone for any reason deserves to be cheated on. It hurts and it just doesn’t go away. <BR> To mon. at least you know now to just give up. I don’t get that. I get “ I love you and I want to stay with you.” It’s too bad I love her. I wish I had left when I found out. Now it’s just too hard. I have a little girl and It would just kill me to not see her everyday.<BR>To “K” guns very safe when they are not loaded. And I don’t think that I would risk my freedom on my pos wife. She is not worth it.<BR>But thank you sometimes I need another option. <BR>

the end,<P>So, she says she loves you and wants to work it out?<P>You love her, but wish you didn't?<P>What are you going to do? Seriously.

(I got interrupted mid-post and realized that you wrote back while I was dithering...please keep in mind that I hadn't read your response when I wrot this! Thanks!--HBC)<P><B>the end</B>,<P>I'm glad you're here.<P>It sounds like you <B>JUST</B> found out about your wife's affair. May I ask how long ago?<P>I remember all too easily how hurt and angry I was when I found out about my husband's affair. I wanted to smash all the dishes and smash his head into a brick wall and you don't even want to know what I wanted to do to the OW....<P><B>BUT</B><P>I had to ask myself exactly what all that would accomplish. I mean, if I broke all the dishes I was just going to have to buy more. If I smashed my husband's head into the wall I'd have to take him to the hospital and answer a lot of questions. And anything I did to the OW would be landing my bottom in court at least, if not in jail...<P>So why not do just what you suggest and make my husband hurt inside the way I hurt? Hmm. The first reason that comes to mind is that then I would be just like him. "Lacking honor" as you put it. Secondly, I don't want anyone to hurt the way I hurt. Not my worst enemy. It just isn't me.<P>Only you can decide if you want to save your marriage (you say you have children--do you really want them in a single-parent home?). If you decide to do so, Plan A and Plan B can work. There are many on these boards who can attest to that. <P>If you decide you don't want to save your marriage at any cost, that's okay, too. But I would suggest avoiding the revenge scenario you suggest. Keeping that anger inside you will just hurt you.<P>All the best to you, the end. <BR>--HBC<P>P.S.--<B>K</B>, I have nothing but respect for your wisdom and leadership when it comes to applying Marriage Builders principles to saving marriages. However, I would politely suggest that this is not the correct forum to take a member (especially a new one) to task for an interest in guns. Many of us are interested in guns for many reasons and we are quite safe. But this is a COMPLETELY different discussion than the one that we all come to Marriage Builders to engage in. Just my $0.02...--HBC<p>[This message has been edited by HurtButCoping (edited May 18, 2001).]

The End<P>come to the Just found out board...lots of people there that are in the same situation that you are in.<BR>I remember it is better to take you anger out on the net, or on paper, then taking it out on someone. So your doing the right thing.<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

HBC: OK---I'll apologize. Just getting cranky with some of the nuts we've had visiting this site in the last few weeks---I lumped "the end" into the troublemaker category. And I have guns too---but when I discovered my wife's affair, I made double-sure they were very safely put away.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I don’t think anyone for any reason deserves to be cheated on. It hurts and it just doesn’t go away. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Right on with parts 1 and 2. But it can "go away", in that you can recover from infidelity with a better marriage. It takes time and effort---and I'm sure that you're not feeling much like spending either. But your daughter should be a primary motivating factor in this.<P>If it helps, the end, I had two children when my wife had her affair. I got a third one out of it, complements of the OM. But we <B>have</B> recovered our marriage and made it into something much better than it was. And it continues to grow.<P>I won.<P>One of the ways that I did win was to call Steve Harley and do counseling with him---888-639-1639. He's great. I hope you consider it. You won't be able to continue in your marriage with this level of anger (how long has it been since you've found out??)---and it'll be a terrible example to your young daughter.<P>God bless.

Hi TE,<P>You have a lot of anger and received much support. The Just found out site is very helpful and you will be welcomed with the opportunity to review some info that has helped many of us, who started off as you did (or even worse) and been able to better ourselves and even save our marriages. <P>The road ahead of you is long, winding and bumpy. This group here along with all the tools available on this site will help smooth it out or give you the shock absorbers to endure the ride. You will eventually get the to emotional state will you will be better equipped and able to handle all the 'crap' thrown your way. <P>You will hear a lot of stories here, some worse than other and some very funny incidents. I can vouch for some of those myself. Either way, it is part of what happens to us and the support here is to keep us sane and in control of our lives. Whether we can control our mates for their benefit (like the way a parent protects a child - in a loving way) will vary and be difficult. Sometimes helping means letting go and watching them fall a bit then being there to help them pick up the pieces. Whatever it is, this board and the people on it have been through most of it. <P>You will bring you own special set of circumstances and eventually be able to share and care with all of us. I am still considered a 'newbie' myself and learn from these great people everyday. <P>Sit back, be prepared to do some reading and comment/vent when you can. <P>Welcome to MB.com a place to become a better person and mate. <P>L.<BR>