Just curious, honestly. Been thinking (dangerous, I know!)<P>Was everything fine, in your mind? Good, or great even?<P>I'm just wondering... as someone who should have seen the signs LOOOONG before the deeds. <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>as someone who should have seen the signs LOOOONG before the deeds.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I could be in this category. There were pretty clear signs. I just had no clue what they meant, and couldn't ever have imagined it happening to me. Heck, it took me nearly a month to get over the shock---it just didn't seem real.<P>And THAT was just the beginning...

I knew we fought. I knew there was some unhappiness. But I never expected his A. We generally had a happy family life. We were just getting back on our feet financially and I thought maritally would follow. My world was turned completely around. Everything I thought to be true was now false.

We i have to be honest my wife broke up with me about 3 yr after we started dating cause she said that things were not what she wanted.. and guess what after i asked her over and over. she said that there was a guy from work that she had been talking to and she wanted to go out with him.<BR>So we broke up and one month later, i moved out(yes i know crazy). then the day i moved out she said that she loved me and we should get back together. I still moved out, but a yr later we were married..and now this happens.<BR>So i guess i was warned.<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

<BR>I was already unhappy, we both were. He refused to communicate with me. Whenever I asked what was wrong, he said "everything's fine". So no productive talking got done. The shocking thing in my case is that he always said that an A (by his partner) was the one thing he would leave a marriage for. But I also knew he was on AOL all the time. I confronted him, he said it would stop. I guess I believed him. It took me two years or more to learn about the A's. So I feel a bit stupid, like I was ignoring obvious signs.

out of the blue-THAT WOULD BE IT IN MY CASE.<P>There were a few things that caused some strain in our marriage but we never fought.<P>For the longest time I would have sworn my H was jokin me when he told me he had had an affair the last 2 years.<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

One quick note: <P>The answers you provide are for everyone - of course - but for me too. I'm working on some things in my life and need input...<P>It is NOT meant to make anyone feel **stupid** for missing the signs.<P>I missed them, and in my case, they were BIGGER THAN LIFE! Even DURING the stupid affairs -- looking back, I remember certain things that whapped me upside the head, but I just brushed it off and went merrily on my ignorant way. IGNORANT is not stupid!!<P>I am wondering if ANYONE is immuned to affairs happening?! Harley says it can happen to anyone. But why are there some it DOESN'T happen to? <P>...and... is there any way to know ahead of time?? What's the very first tiny sign of trouble?<P>But the bottom line to my question is this: Are there just some people, that no matter WHAT you do to make them happy, safe, loved, protected, that will have an affair?<P>So, this is my mindset. <P><BR>

Engaged, not married...he had probable EA, possible PA. Totally shocked me...I thought things were really, really healthy...People had complimented us on how we treated each other...go figure.

Nyneve:<BR>NO signs, I thought. Now in hindsite, I still don't see any thing that I could have destinguished as A.<P>H was more irritable a couple of months before he left(now I know it was because of his inner conflict OW). H's irritability was not expressed on a personal basis, but towards finances, etc. I only knew something was bothering him, but I thought it was stress of business, finances, etc. H apparently bottled it all up inside until he ran off (communication problem). <P>H was at his business (he runs alone) or home after closing (with me). So I don't even know when he found time to have A, my H did meet OW when she came into the business. OW/H sent her (by recommendation of his friend) to get work done. Inadvertently it was OW/H that put them together.<P>My H never went out without me. We didn't fight. I had absolutely NO clue, until he came home one day and told me he had gotten an apartment and was moving (horrible shock).<P>If I had the slightest indications believe me I would have found out, before I did. <BR>

Nyneve:<P>Another added note: Don't feel stupid just probably too trusting. <P>Get this one....a friend of mine had offered her sister to come live with her & her husband. Later on the sister calls out of the blue and says she is coming to move in. My friend's daughter told her she thought the sister was out for Dad (friend told her she was imagining things). About a month later, friends H tell her he is starting to have feeling for sister, friend tells him to get over it(she didn't think anything of it). We agreed..duh..H was trying to tell her. Than friend's household things started disappearing (into storage bldg) and sister's belongings replaced them. Sister fixing up house how she wanted it. Friend just thought, if this makes sister feel more comfortable..no big deal. Friend admits BIG clues but she didn't even fathom, as she trusted/loved both parties. Until she saw, and still had a hard time believing her eyes.<BR>Right under her roof no less!!!! That's got to be a mind blower.

Hurtwife, <P>Wow and ick and blech and what a pisser! <P>Yeah, too trusting... we even have a poster by that name... I guess it fits. It isn't being stupid, you're right. <P>Ewwwweee... it's bad enough when the affair is with a stranger, but your sister! I've seen it on these boards before - family member, best friend, minister...it's gotta be (how could anything be?) worse somehow.

Poster formerly known as NB - <P>We had been dysfunctional as a couple for years during my son's illness. We were terrific partners at the "business" side of a family and as a team caring for our son. We even saved a life together when the lady across the street had a serious asthma attack.<P>I always referred to a relationship as a three legged stool with the three L's as the legs: the emotional, the practical, and the physical. We had been balancing on one leg for too long.<P>I wasn't expecting the affair, but when it hit, I knew exactly why.<P>WAT

Marriage was great, just happened to be stupid enough to believe for all those yrs! Naive enough to marry a serial cheater. <BR>I did not know he was not working when he was gone. <BR>Not a good weekend for me to answer this one! <BR>cl

Did I think we were happy? No, I was not happy at all & knew I had withdrawn emotionally. After years of trying to get him to meet my needs, I had finally lost my love for him and was tired of living with a pet rock. He had gently hinted that he wanted me to be more "enthusiastic" when we had sex, but being in withdrawal, I did not find enthusiasm easy to come by.<P>Was I surprised? Heck, yes. I thought that living together with as little emotional contact as possible was what he wanted. Looking back tho, I realize that after I withdrew emotionally, he did try a few times in his own way to "reach" me. <P>Kathi

Yeah, it was out of the blue. I thought things were better than in years (married for 12). I had a new job that kept me home instead of traveling, less stressful, more quality time at home, more SEX!!!!<P>In my case, my 42 y.o. wife reunited with a HS crush (a dropout to boot who had notorious cocaine addiction). We were the ultimate yuppy couple and this guy looks like the leader of the pack (tatoos and all).<P>I think it could be unresolved childhood issues, lust to get back to her hometown, and fear of growing old.<P>All this with a beautiful 5 year old daughter. She live with her mother 3 hours away <P>It's still very perplexing.

I was pretty much caught off guard. I would never have believed she would do this to me a second time. I guess I should have seen the signs, but I wasn't really looking.<P>-HD

HD,<P>You bring up a great point about the "again" factor. The first time, you reel, but the second, third, fourth and/or in my case, fifth time... you'd think you get used to it, but dammit, you sure in the heck don't!!<P>It reminds me of those clowns you punch and they don't fall down... that's how I felt!!!

The writing was on the wall and I refused to read it...Like K, I should have seen it comming...<P>

OUt of the blue. no warning signs except for being way too drunk. It was only a kiss that she didnt stop but still hurt and hurts like hell.

Hi Nyneve,<P>COOL NEW NAME! I think I want one too! Hmmmm, I'm going to start thinking about a replacement for peppermint...<P>Now this is a question that I could answer with a VERY long post, but I'll try to keep it relatively short.<P>When I met my beloved firestorm it was LITERALLY love at first sight. I ACTUALLY heard a voice tell me that this was the man I would marry. People joke about the lightening bolt, but I really felt it. We dated for four months and he surprised me with an engagement ring. We planned for a long engagement, since he had graduated from college but I hadn't. We also knew that there were some issues to be resolved before we married. The biggest problem we faced was that I had been told by my doctor that I wouldn't be able to have children. Firestorm desperately wanted to have children of his own, preferably THREE!<P>We had been engaged for some time when I discovered that I was pregnant. We decided to go ahead and get married, we believed that this would probably be our only chance to have a child, and we did have a healthy baby boy.<P>From the beginning, we faced many differences. We were young, broke all the time, he was working a long day with a long commute, and to be honest I hadn't wanted to give up college for a marriage and child so soon. The main problem was that firestorm was simply emotionally distant from me. I knew that he had a long relationship before me that ended badly, but I did not realize how much it affected him. The fact that someone he loved so much broke his heart definitely caused him to hold me "at arm's length", so to speak. He would never really let me get as close to him as I wanted to be. It was a real struggle for both of us.<P>We tried for years to have another child, and were finally able to after two miscarriages and another close call. Our daughter was very tiny and premature, but she was healthy and happy. The strain that her birth put on our marriage, physically, financially, and emotionally, definitely took its toll. We slipped even further apart.<P>But everyone we knew thought we were the perfect couple. So did I! I thought we were perfect for each other, and that we just had the same problems and obstacles that everyone else faced. Our marriage was happy and good, just not as perfect as we both wanted it to be.<P>Then three years ago my father died, and the next year firestorm's mother became ill with a progressive and undiagnosed disease that proved very quickly to be fatal . During all of that, I lost 30 pounds and started exercising and taking better care of myself. We both began to realize how short life is and committed ourselves to work together to improve our marriage and enjoy our life together.<P>Our marriage became everything that I had dreamed it could be. Lots of time together, absolutely the best sex we had ever had and lots of it, romance galore, EVERYTHING SEEMED PERFECT. We were the closest we had EVER been. And in the midst of it my husband had an affair with a neighbor's wife.<P>Firestorm's therapist has an idea that the affair happened for a variety of reasons (mid-life crisis, his mother's death, soon to be empty nest, etc.), including the fact that we WERE the closest we have ever been. The therapist believes that the affair was a way of creating distance between us again (and it sure worked), a sort of crude self-protection. Sort of "If I don't love her so much she can't hurt me very much". It probably sounds crazy to all of you, but knowing firestorm as I do it makes sense. He doesn't let ANYONE (other than our daughter) get very close because he is afraid of being hurt and disappointed.<P>I'm sorry this didn't turn out to be the short response I planned. But to sum it up, I would say that for twenty years I knew our marriage wasn't perfect and my husband never cheated. Then for one year I THOUGHT it was perfect, and my husband cheated. So yes, it was OUT OF THE BLUE. I never expected firestorm to be perfect, but I did believe he would always be perfectly faithful. Nothing in my life has ever shocked me more than finding out he wasn't.<P>Peppermint