For the BS......(just thinking..I know that is dangerous) <BR>but,<P>If Love Busters destroys the love for the spouse, <BR>if Love Busters are responsible for Love Bank withdrawals, if making us feel bad is withdrawaling love units from Love Bank...<P>Isn't or wouldn't an "A" be a MAJOR Love Busters & MAJOR withdrawal?<P>How come BS's have SO much love for the WS?<BR>How do BS's have any love left in the Love Bank?<BR>How do BS's have ALL this love to go through ALL the effort to try and save the marriages?<P>How come, it seems that ALL the pain, hurt, etc., would withdrawal from the BS's Love Bank to the point total depletion?<P>Than wouldn't it be easier if the Love Bank was empty...the "A" wouldn't matter to BS's?<P>

That sounds right to me. I wonder why us BS's can keep giving so much.The WS's take so much of our love yet they don't seem to even feel it. If someone was treating me the way I'm treating my H right now, I'd be on cloud nine. It barely phases on him, at least it doesn't seem to.Some people must have a natural tendency to be more giving than others.

I disagree.<P>I think that some people are better at TAKING than most. It's why Plan A doesn't have them "on cloud nine".<P>Snow

Hurtwife - <BR>i've wondered the same things. Steve H. has talked to me about "giver snap"; where a formerly loving, giving spouse becomes consumed by the taker. I don't know if this applies in your case.Steve says it's a matter of when they snap, not if they snap.<BR> If I didn't love my wife it would make my life much easier. But I do, very much. I'm trying to do plan A without being an abuse victim. It's very hard.<BR> My family thinks I'm nuts to love her. I sometimes wonder why I love someone who currently treats me so badly. The thought of our family together is a powerful incentive. <BR> I do wonder why and how they can dismiss so much sincere affection.Why they can seem so mean..Maybe this is why Plan A is so much about the BS also. Hopefully we will find someone who deserves us - whether it's the WS or not...<BR>Oh, well, "Love must be Tough"....<BR>Take Care<BR>Dan <p>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited May 19, 2001).]

An affair IS a major love buster and it DOES make major withdrawals out of the love bank. But an affair doesn't cause the love to just die and disappear. Lovebusters, when done on a regular and continual basis, chip away at the love bank depleting it bit-by-bit.<P>Love busters damage even the best marriages, but they can be fatal to a marriage already weakened by, for example, an affair. That's the reason that it is so important to avoid them while trying to recover from an affair and while trying to plan A. By the way, that is much easier to write than to actually do!<P>One of the hardest lessons for me to learn was the depth of the damage love busters can do, especially when what my husband considers a love buster seems so harmless to me. For example, I have a habit of making sarcastic comments. I'm not talking about hateful sarcasm (but I do that when I am very angry), comments that everyone else considers funny and just laughs off. Those comments really bother my husband and he considers them love busters when I direct them at him. They make him feel I am "talking down" to him. I never realized how much they really bothered him until we did the EN questionaires. Because comments like that don't bother me at all, I didn't appreciate the fact that they DO bother HIM.<P>My point is that it is really difficult to put oneself in another's place and see things from their point of view. I honestly believe that most WS's never realize how much the affair is going to hurt the BS until it is discovered. Even then some WS's still don't seem to "get it".<P>It took me well over a year on this site before I finally understood what lostva meant when she said that Plan Aing and avoiding lovebusters were things that the BS did for themselves, not for the WS. Lori, if you are reading this, I FINALLY GET IT!<P>Peppermint

Hi HW and friends,<P>These were some of my questions also. I agree with what Peppermint has said. Her H is so similar to mine and I tend to run the same way as Peppermint said in her comments about being sarcastic. <P>Of course, the fact that I can dish it and take it doesn't necessarily mean H can. His piece to work on is that he can dish it but does not take it well. My piece is that I needed to know that. Then I needed to know who to work with this issue. I am still working on that piece. <P>LB's is objective and varies from person to person. An LB to one person is not to another. Here is where the major conflict pops up. Too bad there isn't an LB monitor we can buy and hook up to our spouses. <P>Any inventor's out there? As to why we go through so much to save our marriages, for me it is because that is what I would want done if I went in the fog. I want someone to pull for me even if I was too dumb to know better. I want someone to care for me and fight for my love even when I gave up on myself. <P>See, from what I have seen (& in my case), these A's are a result not of evil intent to diliberately hurt (even if that is the result), but rather a very misguided person/soul assisted by other misguided and often ill-intentioned persons. So if it is within our power and their power, our Ws's need to be brought back to an environment where there is love and we should try to provide that safe haven. In some cases our provision may mean 'giving them more responsibility' or less, more space or less, more love but not less. <P>Oh boy, rambling again. Gotta go and clean the house. This is a big LB in my book but I don't have anyone to LB on right now. H is at work. haha!!!! <P>L.<p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited May 19, 2001).]

Thanks for replies. I'm just trying to get a better understanding. I have been reading, reading like crazy. It's been 10 mths. since H left. At that time I didn't know what was happening, shock (still in shock). I thought the man lost his mind (I guess WS's do), I thought he might be bipolar, mid-life crisis, etc. I just wanted to know? Now I understand, before I was clueless. I regret I didn't figure this out until almost 10 mths later. <BR>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>I have gained so much information and understanding from this site. It's really helped me a great deal. I still am confused and feel there is nothing I can do. <P>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>Family Man: <P>I think you have a good point there, I am a "giver". I gave everything I thought would make him happy, of course that was my thoughts, not H. I think there were EN of H's not being met, but he never expressed what those were. Otherwise I would have been "giving" those. Communication problem! H apparently kept these to himself, it breaks my heart that he thought he couldn't come to me with this. I asked H if he thought I was selfish & self centered. H said NO, your the opposite. I asked him if he ever, just once, talked to me about issues that really bothered him, he said NO. Than I asked him how I was suppose to know, I'm not a mind reader. <P> RE: "My family thinks I'm nuts to love her." <P>I know how that feels, I don't even bring H up anymore because all I hear is "forget him" "get over it" "get on with your life". They don't understand<P> RE: I do wonder why and how they can dismiss so much sincere affection.Why they can seem so mean..<P>I think this is because of the addiction & FOG. It seems to apply with my H. <P>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<BR>peppermint:<BR>That's good that your H at least lets you know what he considers Love Busters. Mine never expressed any. H talked about everything else, but not his feelings. <P>I have for a long time, always tried to THINK about what I'm saying, I try to think of how it will be taken. I'm cautious not to say things that will hurt someone feelings or have an adverse effect. I do this because I'm very aware, that sometimes people say things that really hurt me, therefore, I know how it feels (bad) I try hard not to hurt others. Of course you never know how the other person will perceive things, or take it out of context. But, if OP could just say "it's hurts my feelings when you say or do that" it sure would make it a lot easier not to love bust. Makes it almost impossible if you don't know.<BR> <BR>I printed out all the questionnaires. As I was reading them, I sure wish my H would fill them out. Wow, that would sure let me know a lot. I felt like sending them to him, with a note, I'm taking a class please fill out the forms since your are the only H I have....H would probably take it as a BIG Love Buster. <BR> <BR> RE: My point is that it is really difficult to put oneself in another's place and see things from their point of view. I honestly believe that most WS's never realize how much the affair is going to hurt the BS until it is discovered. Even then some WS's still don't seem to "get it".<P>Your right about that. My H/WS still doesn't "GET IT" and I don't know if he ever will. H told me after he left he knew I didn't understand (under statement!) and that he didn't understand himself (I believe it). Now that I understand from reading in here.....I wish so badly that he could read this information and UNDERSTAND also. It's been continuous light bulb moments for me (like camera flashes going off at Presidential event!) I know H has no concept. <P>Thanks!!!<BR>