Sigh. Tonight my husband starts his 3rd shift job so that he can start making his own $$ and be "prepared" to leave the marriage if it doesn't work out. I'm horribly lonely. The night has always been a special time for me and my husband, one of the few times I still feel loved by him (he cuddles me all night long and is very close to me). Now I feel like he has taken that away, it is an extreme LB to me.<P>Unfortunately, I have to suck it all in and be like "yeah, you got a job, I'm so happy for you" because he is still in limboland between OW and myself.<P>It's been 5 days since he's had contact with OW. He told me 2-3 days ago that he does not foresee them getting back together, possibly "one day", but not anytime soon. He said if he left me it wouldn't be for her, BUT NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE TRIES TO CONVINCE HIMSELF OF THAT - IT'S NOT TRUE!! I told him he needed to let go completely and only then could I believe he was not leaving for her (if it happened). He agreed.<P>THEN, today we talked about her coming back from her "trip" in a month. She is supposed to contact him. I asked if he had plans to see/talk with her and he just said "I try not to think of it". Then he added "It hurts so much to think of her being so close and me not being able to see/talk with her." So then I tried to be supportive and help him with his pain, talking about how difficult it would be to get over her, and he just says "I don't know if I will ever get over her,it could be years."<P>HE JUST DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THAT WE CANNOT BUILD OUR MARRIAGE WITH HER STILL IN HIS MIND/LIFE. How do I help get this through his head, or at least get our counselor to get it through his head?<P>He keeps saying that he is trying to work on his marriage, "giving it everything he has right now". Which is true because he still has feelings for OW, he can't give more, he's in withdrawal. But, he believes what he's doing right now is trying to work it out and if a month from now it's not working (duh, it won't be because OW is still in his head), then he's going to just give up because the pressure of living his life in limboland is too great (my words). He's not trying to work it out because he continuously says he doesn't love me / want to be married with me and doesn't want our marriage to work, yet he insists he is doing his best and giving it his all, so in a month or two if he still feels this way, that proves it wasn't meant to be between us (his feelings). UGH!<P>I'm okay with him being in withdrawal. My problem is that his OW is coming back in 4 weeks and it looks to me like everything we've worked on so far is going to get destroyed. He knows I will make him leave if he gets back together with her, but that's what 1/2 of him wants (plus he's depressed bigtime so that may not help in the long run). AND, what is "back together", I just want him to have no contact at all, but he did leave off with her saying that she would contact him when she got back, so regardless of if he wants it or not, that will happen.<P>Steve says you need to have no contact at all or else you'll go right back to where you started, but in my case, how do I prevent it? I've thought about calling her and convincing her not to contact him because he is in treatment now and things are getting better. I probably have abot a 50% chance of this working, but if it doesn't and my husband finds out, that would be a major LB on my part. However, his feelings are so strong for her right now that I know if she does contact him things WILL go back to the way they were, he'll feel even more so like we are getting nowhere and want to leave even more. I suppose I can hope that in a month his feelings won't be so strong and he'll be able to resist, but I don't know, seems like a longshot to me.<P>I need to give him hope for US so that he can get over her, but it's not working. I know time will help, but I feel like I have this deadline on my hands and it's fast approaching. Plus the 3rd shift job is just pushing us farther apart and he is very depressed about everything and is having an extrememly hard time dealing with it. I wish he could go on medication, but he will have none of that. Plus he has insomnia, so that doesn't help either. <P>He's a wreck and wants to give up because he has nearly convinced himself that all the pain go away and he'll be happy with OW, etc. I know this is not true, but he won't believe me. I am just glad this has not happened - yet, somedays it feels so close...<P>I also wish I could get him to read some stuff on this site or talk with Steve, but we have another counselor we are working with right now and he just wants to stick with him. At least I will talk to Laurie on Monday and hopefully she can give me some ideas as well.<P>Thanks for letting me vent. Anyone have any suggestions on ways for me to proceed? Anyone else feel like they have a deadline to work against? Sometimes it just helps to hear "hang in there".

hurtbyhubby,<P>As you work on Plan A...<BR>...put the focus on you... not your H!<P>You have to live... realizing [b]you[b] are responsible for your own happiness... and you can't be guaranteed to get it from your H!<P>Be the perfect wife...<BR>...Plan A... to the hilt!<BR>...most people think it is for the WS... it is not... it is for you!!!<P>And what most people miss in Plan A... is that you need to be honest with your H.... he needs to know in a loving way...<BR>1. your marriage may not make it...<BR>2. continued contact with the OW is a gaurantee of your marriage failing<BR>3. continued contact with the OW is a guarantee of you losing "critical mass" of the love you have for him<BR>4. spending "quality"/"fun" is critical... even though he started third shift... get it in some other time!<P>I don't know how long you've been on Plan A...<BR>...or how good you've been at it...<BR>...but...<BR>consider discussing with, either the Harley's or your other counselor, the possibility of moving to Plan B...<P>I'm not saying go there...<BR>...but discuss it with them...<BR>...it is a big step!<P>Check out my posts <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

hurtbyhubby - I can understand a deadline; I'm working on one too. At the end of June my wife and I will be seperating. I would suggest you:<BR> 1) READ EVERYTHING ! and continue to post; I've found the support to be vital to my efforts.I would recommend " Surviving An Affair" by W. Harley and "Love must be Tough" by Dobson as good places to start.<BR> 2) Counsel w Steve or Jennifer Harley. I've had several phone sesions w Steve. I think he's well worth the $.<BR> 3) We had tried a counseelor our Pastor had recommended. She did not work at all for us. Point is if you need a different perspective, you need to get it! You can counsel w Steve or Jennifer by yourself, if need be.<BR> 4)I understand about the night thing completely; I love to cudde w my wife. She is denying an affair ( I've been snooping; there's definitly an affair) and runs cold and colder most of the day. But she still will cuddle at night?!<BR> 5) I think the thing to do, that I am trying and would suggest, is a combo of plan A and "tough love". The thing is, if they go they go. Isn't that terrible! But begging or pleading sends them running into the arms of op. I made that mistake before I really knew about om, what a mistake. <BR> PATIENCE, TIME, CONSISTENCY. This is what is req'd for a great plan A. It takes time! But I have not found a better strategy, and I've looked. I have no time left to save my family! <BR> I would also like to point out that I've begun to resent the treatment I've recieved lately. I've begun to think maybe I can do better. I've plan a'd , but pulled back. I'm not seeing from this what I would have hoped (Oh Dan, blah blah), but it seems to definitly have an effect. But difficult to do; I couldn't try it until I was ready.<BR> 6) I pray often, it really helps!<BR> <BR> Good luck, I'll pray for you too.<BR> <BR> Dan