I'm still in plan A and doing well.But now the real thing is comming down.I know my wife needs to play out this A and I told her to go ahead and see if its the real thing.I've been with her 18 yrs. and know very welland love her more than anything except the kids.I have loved her and supported her always,but we have drifted apart.MB has at least got us to talking more than we have in years. My problem is that I think this relationship will fail but I know she has to try.She is 46 he is26 but says he will push her wheel chair.I asked to meet him so that we would both know that we are not the preconcived monsters thst we think we are from heresay of storys weve herd.He would consol her when her and I fought and I thouight any guy that would come into my house and steal mywife was scum.But after reading a ton of stuff and posting some stuff here my wife and I have been able to talk like we never have.I am plan A ing with some success and have come to understand why she needs to do this.From what she says he seems to be just a nice guy.She even thinks it will fail but at her age she says she doesn't want to go thrugh life not knowing if it would work or not. The last 10 yrs. of our marriage has been rough,what I saw as a bunch of little dissagreements she sees as 10 years of abuse.We aretalking more now than ever before and I think we will make it but this thing has to die a natural death.I want to not involve the kids with him unless it does work so I told her he wont meet the kid for at least 6 mo. should I meet him or should I practice some tough love and cut her off.I would like to see her happy no matter what,as long as it does not efect the kids.WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK!AM I NUTS? NTK

Wow. Your post makes me feel so selfish. When I think about my H and the OW, sometimes I feel the way you do, I even met the OW and talk to her on the phone. She is really nice and is sorry she is doing this to me, neither of them "planned" it (so it makes it right apparently in their minds). But then the pain sinks in and I just want to fight for my marriage and not let her take away everything I've worked so hard for.<P>I feel for you and can understand your dilemna. I actually have told my husband that if she is what he truly wants that he should leave and go be happy with her (basically the same thing you are doing). I would say it very nice and sincere and I really did mean it, I don't want him to be unhappy for the rest of his life, even if that means he's not with me (ouch, that hurt to say). But in my case, he was no longer going to have me to run back to if things didn't work out with her. He ended up staying (he says it was for the kids), but it worked that time. He didn't end up leaving until weeks later, after I LB'd too much, then he came back (sort of) and here we are, trying to get through his withdrawal.<P>You definately should not let her walk all over you (I know that seems harsh but that is what she's doing). She's holding onto you while she waits to see if this other person is "all that". Not that I am an expert here, but it sounds like you need to keep Plan A'ing until she leaves, then it's time for Plan B... <P>And yes, keep the kids away from it as much as you can...<P>

Stick with Plan A...<BR>Yes... you can't force her not to see the OM...<BR>...but do voice to her your displeasure with it.<P>It is wrong...<BR>...it is adultery (at least in her heart if it's still an EA)...<P>Your kids need a parent that knows how to deal with right from wrong.<P><B>Do not</B> see this OM...<BR>...the relationship that is your focus is between you and your W...<BR>...it must not have <B>anything</B> to do with the OM!<BR>She and only she can make the decision to stop the A!<P> <P>Jim

Morning needtoknow,<BR>My goodness, this is really a very rough position you are in. I would not recommend meeting the OM, primarily becasue you are in plan a. In plan a there are no LBs, and I dont think anyone could meet the OP and not LB. No matter how perfect you are, something will be an LB to your wife. It may be minor such as a look, body language, or could be major such as an al out phsycial confrontation. Regardless, I would not think it worth the risk.<BR>Your not nuts! Or maybe we all are? Your love and concern for your wife is very touching.<BR>Best of luck today, cl

Thank you guys for posting back.She just left after I loaded the truck for her with of all things,a bed for himto sleep in at our friends house until he can get estableshed.Did a LB when she left,stupid me.I told her that this was it now that he was here in calif. and not back home in Alabama with his fam.26 and all he owns is on the plane with him.She went nut saying I was pushing her away that this was hard enough for her.I imed. calmed her down and told her all I was trying to say is that It will never be the same again and that I still want her home but she hased to want to be home and love it,be real sure of what she is doing first.The kids are away with friends so they didn't see her leave with suitcases a bed in her truck.So tell me what I should do next.Yesterday I went to get a hiv test and some antidepresantsalong with some psych. consoling.WRITE ME PLEASE! THANKS NTK

Yes... to the HIV testing<BR>Yes... to the anti-deps<BR>And for your pysche... how about making it back to your faith... or find it anew!<P>I've been where your at...<BR>...done the LB thing too (that was before I found MB)... a very hard day!<P>Be consoled by your children...<BR>...hug them...<BR>...love them...<BR>...protect them!<P>You have my prayers.<P> <P>Jim

Jim have always had that,fasted and prayed for 3 days when I first found out THANKS HE WILL NOT FAIL ME. NTK

I do not think that you are nuts but maybe rather semi-nuts.<BR>The problem that I see is that you are virtually condoning her activity. She breaks the marriage contract and flies in her young boyfriend and moves in with him. You seem to have given her a free pass implying well if it does not work out she can always come back to you. She has left her family and<BR>her children to an extent to live with this guy while you go out have an hiv test taken. What is wrong with this picture? I agree you cannot stop her but it is incumbent upon you to voice strong disapproval of her actions and that she should understand the consequences and possible ramifications of her actions. Your attitude seems to be approving of her actions and for her to try it out and see if it works for her. I believe your hidden message to her is that it is acceptable behavior to search and experiment with a possible new partner in her life.<P>I would strongly suggest you seek counseling to understand your behavior and seemingly acceptance of this situation. I just wonder what woman would deep down think of a spouse that seems to be so accepting of her infidelity. What is the hidden message being given? You deserve respect my friend.<BR>A marriage does not include letting your spouse have sex and live with another man because she may love him. What values will you be teaching your children? I wish you luck.

Bryanp; You have not been following the whole story.I had an A 5 yrs, ago my wife and I have also had a rou gh time for about 10 yrs.I commuted 1000 mi. per week for 13 yrs.not much time at home.My wife ia also 46,change of life I think.One more thing will complicate this,she was heavy all her life,190 when I met her up to 375 and now with fat blockers she is down toabout 170#.Plus her dad paid for a complete face body lift and boob job.if thats not enough she was battling depression for several years.I just talked to our good friend where they are going to stay and he agrees that plan a is the way to go.Now do you understand? NTK

Oh my, you must love your wife very much to put yourself through this.<P>My only comment about your meeting the OM is that your meeting him might be giving him too much legitimacy. He is the interloper here. My vote, if i had one, would be that you not meet him. You are already doing more then anyone should expect you to do.<P>Z

I would suggest not meeting the OM. As per Jim's advice.<P>I would suggest talking to Steve Harley.

Thanks again for the good advice,I love her so much that I get carried away with trying to put deposites in her love bank.She called last night to check in ,told her how much I loved her and to take care of herself,see you when you get home.I miss her so but I know if she dose not resolve this for herself it will hang over us forever,what a LB.Time to go feed the horses and start the day thanks again for all the support. NTK