After making the most miserable mistake of my life, by having an affair of one year. I want to end it completely. Have cut off communication, but for three weeks now the pain of losing my lover is still unrelenting. Sleeplessness, depression and fear are my constant companions. Anyone out there been through this process, male or female. Will I get better so that I will want to work on my marriage with my wife?

Welcome <B>Jambo</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... Yes... it is for Wayward Spouses(WS) too!<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You are (or shortly will) going what we call withdrawal (like a drug addiction)!... check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Recovery After an Affair</A> too!<P>You're not alone!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

My husband went thru this after a very strong emotional affair. He was so depressed, in so much pain, could not sleep; even had chest pains. In his case, it was prolonged because they worked at same firm (tho different areas). <P>Please do have hope that you will get thru this, and no-contact is the less-painful method. It takes time. Try to start working on your marriage now, even if the "want-to" is not there yet...as the marriage improves, it helps the pain you are in, and as the pain eases, you are better able to work on the marriage.<P>Does your wife know what's up, or does she think you are just stressed & depressed?<P>Hang in there, it does get better.<P>Kathi<P>P.S. Realized I did not tell you the rest of the story. H & I worked on marriage & his pain over her did ease. We are doing very well now, and rather in-love with each other again...a state we had left long before the EA. Good luck!

Oh my, you must love your wife very much to put yourself through this.<P>My only comment about your meeting the OM is that your meeting him might be giving him too much legitimacy. He is the interloper here. My vote, if i had one, would be that you not meet him. You are already doing more then anyone should expect you to do.<P>Z

Sorry, I do not know how that last posting got there. Hit paste by accident I think. Not what I was saying to you....<P>What I wanted to say is that in his book "Surviving an Affair" Dr. Harley says that he often gives WSs antidepressants to help them deal with the grief of ending the affair.<P>You are obviously in the middle of a terrible depression. Perhaps you need to see your doctor about some antidepressants.<P><BR>Z

Sorry, I do not know how that last posting got there. Hit paste by accident I think. Not what I was saying to you....<P>What I wanted to say is that in his book "Surviving an Affair" Dr. Harley says that he often gives WSs antidepressants to help them deal with the grief of ending the affair.<P>You are obviously in the middle of a terrible depression. Perhaps you need to see your doctor about some antidepressants.<P><BR>Z

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>My husband went thru this after a very strong emotional affair. He was so depressed, in so much pain, could not sleep; even had chest pains. In his case, it was prolonged because they worked at same firm (tho different areas). <P>Please do have hope that you will get thru this, and no-contact is the less-painful method. It takes time. Try to start working on your marriage now, even if the "want-to" is not there yet...as the marriage improves, it helps the pain you are in, and as the pain eases, you are better able to work on the marriage.<P>Does your wife know what's up, or does she think you are just stressed & depressed?<P>Hang in there, it does get better.<P>Kathi<P>P.S. Realized I did not tell you the rest of the story. H & I worked on marriage & his pain over her did ease. We are doing very well now, and rather in-love with each other again...a state we had left long before the EA. Good luck!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, my wife is not aware of what's been going on. She is very concerned and attributes most of it to an early mid life crisis. She has of course questioned me about an affair. She has also made it abundantly clear that the marriage is irreparable if I were to be unfaithful to her. To further agitate the whole thing, the OW lives one subdivision over. From what I've read from the sites founder, this creates a real problem for both myself and the OW as far as recovery and ending the affair permanently goes. Thanks for the encouragement. I do know that there is a delusional aspect of love that makes the OW seem almost perfect, that she is unlike anyone else in the world. I know that given time this delusion will give way to reality. Until then, I struggle greatly with ths loss and with the guilt of actually feeling the loss so strongly. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>No, my wife is not aware of what's been going on. She is very concerned and attributes most of it to an early mid life crisis.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just EXACTLY where we were in Oct-Nov. 1999. He cut off all non-essential communication in mid-October 1999 (he did still see her down a hallway, etc. but since their jobs normally did not interact, contact was pretty minimal). After cutting off contact, he was a miserable mess, and totally stressed out. We talked a little, I assumed it was midlife-crisis & job stress. Then Dec 27,99 he told me he wanted to leave, was not happy, needed out desperately, but that "of course" there was no other woman. We talked a lot about how he felt, and began using the MB stuff to work on the marriage. Even tho he was not always pleasant, due to the stress he was under, we did begin pulling together more as a "team;" whatever was wrong, I wanted to help him with it. About two weeks later he finally felt like he could tell me about her, and it is probably better, in retrospect, that we had a little MB under our belts b4 I found out.<P>My best suggestion is to access one of the counselors here at MB. Truly, they are very good at this stuff. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html</A> <P>Hang in there. It will get better.<P>Kathi

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jambo:<BR><B> No, my wife is not aware of what's been going on. She is very concerned and attributes most of it to an early mid life crisis. She has of course questioned me about an affair. She has also made it abundantly clear that the marriage is irreparable if I were to be unfaithful to her. To further agitate the whole thing, the OW lives one subdivision over. <P>I know that given time this delusion will give way to reality. Until then, I struggle greatly with ths loss and with the guilt of actually feeling the loss so strongly. <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Hi Jambo,<P>You sound similar to my H. I would like to share a brief (that would be a first - I usually make long posts )<BR>experience with you. <P>Like yourself, my H felt that one moment of weakness and I would never take him back. I did say that, he had every reason to believe I meant it and I did. Now here is where life takes unusual turns. H is the Ws and he felt I did not love him (wrong thinking on his part), H's need had SF at the top of his list and I did not acknowledge it (working mother, demanding job, responsibilities, etc.), H had low self esteem issues and could not keep up with my schedule. The more H would slow down, the more I felt the need to speed up just to keep us afloat. This became a vicious race, after 9 years we were both getting burned out. H began 1 night stands, felt I would not take him back to he continued this for almost a year. Then he met OW on-line and she pulled him the rest of the way out the door. I found out 15 months after the 1st one nighter, 3 months from the EA/PA. H did not tell me, I found out by listening to message on H's cell phone. <P>How did I react? With anger, frustation, hurt bewilderment, intense pain, you name it I felt it. The days and weeks that followed were fileed with anxiety, more anger, frustration, depression, hopelessness, etc. Yet through it all as the BS, I also felt sorry and hurt for the WS. I wanted to get him help for what I felt was other factors having an influence on H's actions. Some of those influences were, me, his childhood, his parents, his lack of parental training, failures in work, failure as a husband and parent & OW. Were all of our influences wrong or bad? No, but they did not all the a postive affect. Could the WS have overcome the bad influences and not had an A? Yes. But he made more bad choices and made a bad situation worse by having the As. <P>The point is that even after I said and meant it. Being in the situation often puts the real issue in a different perspective. Don't 'assume' that your wife will permanently end your M. There are a lot of points to consider in each situation. There is no blanket statement or rule that will cover all of these situations. <P>We can change our minds if the opportunity presents itself. It would have been better if H came to me on his own rather than my having to find out on my own. <P>Just my 2 cents. <BR>L.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Orchid:<BR><B> <BR>Hi Jambo,<P>You sound similar to my H. I would like to share a brief (that would be a first - I usually make long posts )<BR>experience with you. <P>Like yourself, my H felt that one moment of weakness and I would never take him back. I did say that, he had every reason to believe I meant it and I did. Now here is where life takes unusual turns. H is the Ws and he felt I did not love him (wrong thinking on his part), H's need had SF at the top of his list and I did not acknowledge it (working mother, demanding job, responsibilities, etc.), H had low self esteem issues and could not keep up with my schedule. The more H would slow down, the more I felt the need to speed up just to keep us afloat. This became a vicious race, after 9 years we were both getting burned out. H began 1 night stands, felt I would not take him back to he continued this for almost a year. Then he met OW on-line and she pulled him the rest of the way out the door. I found out 15 months after the 1st one nighter, 3 months from the EA/PA. H did not tell me, I found out by listening to message on H's cell phone. <P>How did I react? With anger, frustation, hurt bewilderment, intense pain, you name it I felt it. The days and weeks that followed were fileed with anxiety, more anger, frustration, depression, hopelessness, etc. Yet through it all as the BS, I also felt sorry and hurt for the WS. I wanted to get him help for what I felt was other factors having an influence on H's actions. Some of those influences were, me, his childhood, his parents, his lack of parental training, failures in work, failure as a husband and parent & OW. Were all of our influences wrong or bad? No, but they did not all the a postive affect. Could the WS have overcome the bad influences and not had an A? Yes. But he made more bad choices and made a bad situation worse by having the As. <P>The point is that even after I said and meant it. Being in the situation often puts the real issue in a different perspective. Don't 'assume' that your wife will permanently end your M. There are a lot of points to consider in each situation. There is no blanket statement or rule that will cover all of these situations. <P>We can change our minds if the opportunity presents itself. It would have been better if H came to me on his own rather than my having to find out on my own. <P>Just my 2 cents. <BR>L.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I appreciate your input. In my case, I had a one night stand after just two years of marriage. Afterwards, I came forward with my wrong doing. We went through counseling together and had many support groups around us. Even with this we barely made it. She has repeatedly said throughout our marriage that any type of unfaithfulness on my part would find us in divorce court. I know my wife, she would follow through with this course of action and I don't blame her. I have no doubt that to come forward with my affair would be to end the marriage. Not only for me, but for the OW as well. Still I wonder if it would be better to come forward with it, just to get it out and to preserve my sanity. I will confess that at this point I truly fear that I do not know my own motives. There is a part of me that also says that to expose the affair would also open the door for the OW and I to finally have each other. Should I expose the affair and risk the possibilty of ending two marriages? Do I live in a marriage with the truth hidden and never attain true intimacy? ( Afterall I'm the one to blame here.) These questions haunt me.

If you really love the other woman, why do you want to save your marriage? Will she leave her husband for you? How do you know if thing would work out for you and her? Do you really know that you wife will not forgive you?

Jambo-<BR>I have gone through the same thing. I had an EA for more than a year. The A ended over a year ago, and my H and I are doing very well. I had a very hard time with the withdrawal from the relationship with OM. <P>You asked if you will get better if you stop contacting the OW. The answer is YES. It is very hard, much like grieving, for many people. It is also like getting over an addiction, and this is the reason for "no contact." If you continue to see her, the feelings will contiue to be renewed and you won't get over the A, and will also risk falling back into it.<P>I agree with the advice to get help/support. MB counseling might be a good option for you. You could do the telephone conunseling to help you make the decision about whether to reveal the A to your wife. <P>There are many people who have been where you are, with a spouse who has said that they will leave if you are found to be unfaithful. Many of these couples make it. I, personally, would urge you to be honest with you W. This is the path to an honest, open, improved M. You risked your M by having the A, you may have to take a chance now by being honest with your W.<P>That step will be terribly difficult for you both. But don't kid yourself, don't make this decision with the thought in the back of your mind that you might be able to have a future with OW. In the majority of cases this doesn't work. You owe it to yourself and to your wife (do you have kids?) to give your marriage an honest try with the OW out of the picture. If your truly cared about the OW, you would not want to start a future with her with the foundation being two ruined marriages. <P>Think about how you would like to be able to look back on your life in the future and be satisfied that you handled this part of your life properly - now that you have acknowledged your mistake. You have hard choices to make, and you will have to live with the results. Many people have done it, you can too.<BR>

I think you might also try to consider some unconventional approaches. The biggest problem here obviously is the turmoil in your head and your heart. Before you can make any solid judgments and decisions it seems to me that you MUST find yourself again, and reach a point of some inner stability. You must be able to recognize yourself, and therefore trust yourself. That is going to take some real doing. If it were me, I think I would maybe want to take ten days or two weeks by myself in the woods, totally away from people, to go through this phase. When you return you will very likely have a much better sense of how to proceed. You don't want to blurt it out to your wife in a graceless way while you are still swooning over the OW, nor do you want to live with the secret forever. And the fact that you mention the possible motive of outing the affair in order to try to be with the OW is good enough proof that that is at minimum one of several, perhaps mutually exclusive, motivations. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mon:<BR><B>If you really love the other woman, why do you want to save your marriage? Will she leave her husband for you? How do you know if thing would work out for you and her? Do you really know that you wife will not forgive you?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The most honest answer to that question is that I believe that it is the right thing to do. Imagine that... worrying about right and wrong after an EA. Still, that is the only answer I can give. In my heart.. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with my wife. I do want the OW, but.. I realize that all in my heart is not right. I'm not thinking clearly yet. If I fail to capture something of the love I have for the OW with my wife, I doubt that I will be able to save my marriage.<BR>Again... I know this as clearly as I do my own name. If I reveal the affair she WILL end the marriage.<BR> Jambo

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Clouds:<BR><B>Jambo-<BR>I have gone through the same thing. I had an EA for more than a year. The A ended over a year ago, and my H and I are doing very well. I had a very hard time with the withdrawal from the relationship with OM. <P>You asked if you will get better if you stop contacting the OW. The answer is YES. It is very hard, much like grieving, for many people. It is also like getting over an addiction, and this is the reason for "no contact." If you continue to see her, the feelings will contiue to be renewed and you won't get over the A, and will also risk falling back into it.<P>I agree with the advice to get help/support. MB counseling might be a good option for you. You could do the telephone conunseling to help you make the decision about whether to reveal the A to your wife. <P>There are many people who have been where you are, with a spouse who has said that they will leave if you are found to be unfaithful. Many of these couples make it. I, personally, would urge you to be honest with you W. This is the path to an honest, open, improved M. You risked your M by having the A, you may have to take a chance now by being honest with your W.<P>That step will be terribly difficult for you both. But don't kid yourself, don't make this decision with the thought in the back of your mind that you might be able to have a future with OW. In the majority of cases this doesn't work. You owe it to yourself and to your wife (do you have kids?) to give your marriage an honest try with the OW out of the picture. If your truly cared about the OW, you would not want to start a future with her with the foundation being two ruined marriages. <P>Think about how you would like to be able to look back on your life in the future and be satisfied that you handled this part of your life properly - now that you have acknowledged your mistake. You have hard choices to make, and you will have to live with the results. Many people have done it, you can too.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, I have thought alot about what you are saying. I know without a doubt that either way I go will end up destroying two marriages. I confess and we're done, or I end it and we're done, or I live with my secret. None are good choices to me. I failed to make the most important chioce when I chose to have the A.<BR>I also see the OW almost every day because we live near each other. This adds to the difficulty. Thankyou for sharing your own failure with me. I will think about what you have said. Oh.. I do have children. <BR> Jambo<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gonemad:<BR><B>I think you might also try to consider some unconventional approaches. The biggest problem here obviously is the turmoil in your head and your heart. Before you can make any solid judgments and decisions it seems to me that you MUST find yourself again, and reach a point of some inner stability. You must be able to recognize yourself, and therefore trust yourself. That is going to take some real doing. If it were me, I think I would maybe want to take ten days or two weeks by myself in the woods, totally away from people, to go through this phase. When you return you will very likely have a much better sense of how to proceed. You don't want to blurt it out to your wife in a graceless way while you are still swooning over the OW, nor do you want to live with the secret forever. And the fact that you mention the possible motive of outing the affair in order to try to be with the OW is good enough proof that that is at minimum one of several, perhaps mutually exclusive, motivations. <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are the first one two make this suggestion. Others have cautioned me against such a move. My wife has suggested it as a means to help me find myself to use your term, to better deal with what she sees as my struggle with depression. Have you known anyone to have benefited from from such an approach?<BR> Jambo

Hi Jambo, <P>I would like to let you know how much I appreciate your honesty for being here. Your wife needs to know that also (when you decide to tell her). There was another poster here not long ago named Clarity. He was in a similar situation. You may want to search on his posts and see how he handled his situation. Look under Clarity and Clarity2. <P>He really opened the BS eyes to what the H WS goes through. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>