Today I went out and spent almost $400 on a bicycle, helmet, and lock. Why? Because all of a sudden, my 46-year-old smoker H has decided that he wanted a bicycle. It was either buy one and learn to ride it all over again or have it be the kind of emotional need (recreational companionship) that he'll get filled elsewhere.<P>It's good for me to have a bike, I suppose, but I sure hope he's not planning any 25-mile bike hikes through heavy traffic...<P>Of course there's no chance that he'd ever fill MY need for, well, on-site emotional support in dealing with my mother, but what the heck. You can't have everything.<P>Don't some of you also get tired of doing all the work sometimes?

Dazed and Confused:<BR>OMG....sounds like my H. Your post struck a cord!<BR> <BR>But, my H had to have "bicycles" before he left (10 mths ago). H worked hard, but than became a couch potato soon as he walked in the door, which was ok, poor tired thing. All the sudden H had to have bikes one night, we had to go buy the bikes, locks, helmets, bike rack... H rode it maybe twice around the parking lot, got upset with me because I didn't ride mine. I kept telling him I didn't know how to ride it with 18 gears. H always thought I could just do anything...guess it was suppose to be inbred or something. H never said come on I'll teach you. I even heard it after he left that he gots bikes & I wouldn't ride, more than once. <P>Than during a call (before H wants NO contact)H asked me for the bicycles. Notice bicycles...plural. H wanted them for him & OW I guess...over my dead body. H is riding OW...isn't that enough...LOL. (sorry couldn't help myself). <P>I don't know if the bicycle thing was a Love Buster (recreational companionship thing) for my H but......<P>I would suggest you did the right thing.....GO RIDE THAT BIKE GIRL!!! LOL<P>Better you than H riding some OW!?!?<BR>Happy trails!<P>

The issue isn't the bicycles; there's a larger one here; one that affects all of us who have gone the Plan A/Meeting Needs stuff:<P>What about us?<P>What about OUR needs? <P>If I have to go up to my mother's to help her get ready to move, I go alone, because he doesn't want to go. If I go to a movie he doesn't want to see, I go alone or with a friend, so that he doesn't have to do something he wants to do. If I want to go to a Broadway show, I have to find someone else to go with because he doesn't want to go. I hired a lawn service so HE didn't have to do the yard work he hates.<P>But if HE wants to go to a concert that I don't want to go to, I go. If HE decides we should go for a hike at 6 AM on Sunday, I go. We watch what HE wants on television. I do all the housework, all the laundry, all the cooking, most of the cleaning up, all the gardening that the service doesn't do. I work a full-time job, then I come home, make dinner, clean up, then pamper him for a couple of hours until he goes to sleep, then MAYBE, if there's anything left of me, I get some time to myself.<P>What I'm saying is that it just doesn't seem right that in the aftermath of infidelity, we have to do all the emotional work in the relationship because if we don't, he might stray again. It's like living with a sword of Damocles over your head 24/7/365. My H didn't MEAN to get emotionally involved with someone else, but when he felt neglected, and she was there, well, there we are.<P>But when I have needs, I have to just suck them up and pretend they don't exist. For the last year I have been dealing with first terminal illness in the family, then my stepfather's death, then other family crises, then my father-in-law's death, and now my sister and I are working on getting our widowed mother relocated. Mom is like "gimme gimme gimme" all the time, and always has been. I desperately need for someone to take care of me. I'm exhausted. I can't seem to get anything done. I have no emotional reserves for anything, least of all myself. <P>So it's not about the bicycles; it's about the fact that I DON'T NEED ADDITIONAL PRESSURE TO TAKE 25-MILE BIKE HIKES RIGHT NOW. I need some pampering. I need some emotional care, and my H IS NOT GOING TO GIVE IT TO ME. Instead, I have to go out and buy a bicycle because if I don't do this, he'll find the companionship elsewhere.<P>So this is my question: When does the other partner have to do some of the work? Why is this always one-sided?<P>Plan A and B both presuppose a set period of time that you suck it up. After that, supposedly the marriage is improved. And that's the case with me, and I have kept it up now for two years. And the relentless effort to be the perfect wife is fine, as long as I have no other emotional demands placed on me. But add these family crises to the equation, and my psyche starts screaming for mercy.<P>When do MY emotional needs start to count? Or is this the deal we make with marriage, that we give and give and give, but get back only a limited amount? And if that's the case, why bother?<P>Somebody please tell me when MY needs and MY feelings start to matter.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Dazed and Confused (edited May 20, 2001).]

Yep, the things we do!!!<BR>The bike thing just cracks me up...only cuz it is h and i in reverse. I pushed him to get a bike to ride with me. All by himself, he went and bought a bike. I like to ride, he likes to ride.....just not with me! I guess i go too slow for him. And we both golf, ski, etc, but again, I am not good enough for him and he gets edgy.<BR>HW, i had to laugh at your post. Nope, she does not get the bike too! <BR>Yes, it is much deeper than a bike. The taker does start to come out in me sometimes too.<BR>DC, maybe h is thinking that the biking will get you away from the stress for a little while? Maybe, just maybe, he is doing it for you and not for him? <BR>You are dealing with a lot right now. An older relative is really tough. One idea: my h would have nothing to do with the older grandparent issue in our household. He would not go see her, help me with it, listen, nada. What I did do was kind of persuaded him that on certain days when i went from work to the nursing home, did her errands, etc, he would cook and clean up the kitchen. He did it abt 1/2 the time, but there was an effort. <BR>Maybe you could make a deal? On days when you ride the bike, he does a chore in the house to help?

Dazed:<BR>I had read your post a few times...and then the explaination this AM...all I can say is WOW...I would never have lasted as you have. living in the fear that he may stray....waiting on him hand and foot..he does not seem to really view this relationship as a partership...is this really the "MB method" because I would never survive..<BR>In fact ours is the opposite...he cheated, and I am now making the demands...you see I did before the A what you do now...I was very attentive, taking care of everything from home to family..were he just worked , came home and got fed & the remote control..and I pampered him..well after the A<BR>I was like...YOU DO IT...and I said NO....and I took the remote control... I felt as if I am taking myself back now( after 17 years)...if having an affair means your wife will now wait on you like a slave...every man will have one...and the funny thing is when I read your last post...the first thought I had to myself was...The first man that shows YOU compassion, and cares about you the way you are craving...you could stray (because your H is doing what WS say makes them Wonder in the first place)...am I making sense??...Just a thought...I think it is now time for YOU...if he does not want to allow that...than he is VERY selfish...and if you dont want to bike ride...then dont<BR>I am sorry..BUT you have been through hell and back..and this is for sanity..Take care Of YOU..cuz no one else will..at this point...Good Luck MC<p>[This message has been edited by MyCross (edited May 20, 2001).]