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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 95
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According to Dr. Harley, plan b ends with the loss of love for WS by BS. Well, I am BS and am in plan b. When does this loss of love occur? I'm still waiting.....
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,394
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You might have it all wrong. Plan B is to be implemented while there is still some love from the BS towards the WS. The idea is to continue working on yourself, and being a happier and stronger person. Should the WS come back, and want to work on the marriage, then you go from there, using Harley's principles. But should the WS NOT come back, then you have still moved on, become happier and stronger, and in time not be 'in love' with your spouse.<P>IMO, even if the overall outcome is divorce, and the marriage is truly over, I would think that there would always be love there. Not the same love as the present, and not one for the future, but one of the past. Those bits of love never leave your heart.<P>Karen
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Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 8,079
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Nope...if there was love there...the love never truely goes away...it just doesn't hurt as much...think back to other ppl you dated over the years that you cared deeply for..they still carry a place in your heart..just not as prominate a place...
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Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 660
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Dear Living,<P>I look at Plan B as a sort of corrolary to the Al-Anon principle of "detaching with love." You can continue to love the WS. But you must detach from them until they end their self-descrutive behavior. And behavior that destructs you, as well. Plan B can be the BS's best friend. It allows you time to yourself - to heal, to get over the anger, to think about your own life and make changes where needed. And best of all, it allows the BS the much-needed time to make the very important decision of whether or not to stay ... or to leave. It is *your* time to think. Plan B puts you in control of the situation.<P>Please, if you are in Plan B, keep on keeping on. No, the love you feel will not go away. But it might be put "on hold" until your heart is safely healed.<P>((hugs))<P>belld
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 95
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Posts: 95 |
Thanks for the advice. I fully intend to remain in plan b. I was awful at plan a and am just now healing enough to begin working on me. I just want to quit reliving the last 10 years in my head over and over and accept that he has changed and so should I - meaning I need to move on. I have given the WS so many chances and so much time, that I just don't see anything changing without LOTS of time, after WS actually LOSES me. In my opinion, plan a doesn't work when you have a really "good" OW (ie manipulative, a player...)as I have had. My WS would have been content to have his cake and eat it too, to bounce back and forth between us... So there is no question that I am where I need to be. I just want my heart to follow.
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
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Hi, <P>For me, plan B is likened to another action plan called 'tough love'. Some parents use this with their children some never do. Some find the need to use it with their mates. For me it became a necessity. It also helped my H see, he could not continue out there without deterimental affects to his family that he could not stop as long as he was out there. Trust me, OW tried all kinds of plans to keep H out there and trick him into thinking everything would work out for everyone. <P>Nope to OW's plans a, b or whatever. The MB plan B and tough love was and is what is needed for the Bs and family. It will help the WS if the WS sees what they are losing. Some get it, some don't. <P>Nothing in life is guaranteed. Some plans may be more effective than others. <P>L.
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