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#914910 05/20/01 07:08 AM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 95
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Posts: 95
After living with a descent plan A, I am now going to plan B, but it may be too late. H has continued his long distance EA with OM for the last 9 months. (Was PA for long weekend in March). Discovered EA in Nov.2000. It was the "we're just friends" speech. Plan A'd to Jan. 15, but according to emails and phone calls, the A continued to heat up. H told me he had to be with OW this summer to see if this was the love of his life or the biggest mistake of his life. I told him to leave if he would not stop contact with her so he could work on our marriage. He moved to his brothers a block away. Buisness has required our continued contact. I A'd and B'd (no letter)for these past 4 months. <P>This Friday we had an OR discussion and I began to see that my H and I are going nowhere. He is determined to leave next month to be with OW and rationalized that our marriage was over years ago, and now that we are separated that means he can do whatever he wants. <P>I feel, I mean I really feel, that I can no longer tolerate this disrespect. We have always avoided conflict, which I think contributed greatly to the hohum of our marriage.... So I encouraged this one. These venting (LB) talks, since D day, have always resulted in him thinking. BUT FINALLY, it has me thinking in a different direction. Don't know whether I want him back. What a relief. I feel stronger knowing that I can give him up, which seems to be what he wants. <P>Dabbled in Dobson's "Tough Love" when I told him to leave, (with the hope of him coming back). After 2 weeks he had thoughts of doing just that, but of course the OW was right there with her words of wisdom and comfort. (EA became PA)<P>What cuts so deeply is not that the M may be over... IT IS that H won't even think of trying to repair it.<P>Will give him a Dobson send off. I will no longer be the doormat and tolerate this disrespect. It is his choice to leave and destroy all that we had and have. Goodbye, Good Luck, and the door is swinging shut. (and may God have mercy on you... he thinks he is a nonbeleiver... so I may not include that one). I will try to stay away from disresptful judgments, a difficult task. <P>I have prayed that God would guide me, that He would take my burden and do His will. In the last few weeks, people have contacted me, that I have not seen or talked to in years. They have been a blessing. It seems that I once again feel respect for myself, and feel strong again. I am actually feeling the burden lift and seeing hope for me after years of feeling depressed and stagnant due to the lack of affection and respect and selfesteem.<P>You wonderful people on this forum have been a great blessing also. If it were not for your honesty, openess and careing, I could never have tried so hard and so well to save my marriage. I am now at the place where I know I have fought the good fight, and if this M is over, it is not because I failed to try.<P>To those who are recovering, God bless you. So many of you still seem to wonder if it is the right thing. If you give it to God, and listen very carefully, you will know. <P>I think I am finally ready for a new journey. I hope so.<P>Love, Hugs and prayers to you all. JS<P><BR>

#914911 05/20/01 08:01 AM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 174
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I think you are doing the right thing. I'm proud of you for taking a difficult stand. Allow yourself to feel God's hand upon you. He will guide you along the way. Draw closer to Him and He will comfort you. If I could give you a hug I would.<BR>{{{{{{{{Whatami}}}}}}}}}

#914912 05/20/01 08:24 AM
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 314
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whatami, I know exactly how you feel. I'm at the same spot. We were working on recovery, his feelings for me had returned. . and then he gets scared & confused again. He contacted OW & was/is considering going out with her-just as friends of course.<P>That did it, I have had enough. Told him I've got to start healing, now. I totally expected him to say fine then, bye (he doesn't like to be pushed). Which he basically did at first. Towards the end of the conversation he asked if he could think about what I said & talk to me about it later. Don't know what he's going to say. I guess I'm afraid to hear either answer. It's just heartwrenching isn't it?<P>Good luck to you & let us know how things are going. Keep drawing on the strenght you now feel and remember how special you are, even if your H doesn't.

#914913 05/20/01 03:38 PM
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 95
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Dear BD & b,<BR>Thanks for the support and encouragement. So many of my questions have been answered just by reading the different threads here. Guess that's why I felt I could make up my mind without further advise. Hugs are appreciated and go back to you both.<P>When I knew I wanted the answers from H but was afraid to hear which one he would give me... I began to realize that he was still in total control. <P>I honestly feel that this ones for me. My love bank is close to empty. Yet ... if he comes to reality and wants me and the marriage back (says he doesn't want a divorce, selfish isn't he) then he is going to have to be the totally committed one, and myself as the one who is waffeling. If and when that happens, it may be too late.<P>Will write the letter this week, Hope it works for ME. <P>God knows I tried.

#914914 05/20/01 04:02 PM
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whatami-<BR>I like your analogy of him still being in control. Makes me think. Seems like you have found a little peace. . I'm glad.<P>I too am doing this for ME. I have got to move forward with my life right now. I don't think he's ready, although I was suprised to hear him ask to have some time to think. My love bank is far from empty I'm sorry to say, though. This is truely the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life.<P>I also am at the same point as you as far as if he decides that he wants to work it out, he will be doing work this time. Before I did not make any demands on him, just trying to let him work thru the stuff on his own. . let him see in his own time, own way. But. .it's not working for me that way anymore.<P>I do also have to say that this waiting is agony.<P>Anyhow, just wanted to say that you sound well & very comfortable with your decision. Good luck! Whatever happens, I wish for healing for you, w/or w/out your H.<P>


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