Got a call a wile ago, accualy 3 calls.1 My son is with friends camping and got sick,he'll be home soon.2 wife went out of town to settle OM in to a place to stay,he just moved here to be closer to WS.3 close friend called with wifes phone at the hospital,400 mi. from home.Icalled her to see what was up,she is having complications with her stomache and intestines may need surgury.She said for me not to come there,that she would be mad .She is with OM.What should I do????? NTK

You could let her know that you are very concerned for her health and that if son wants to see her, that you may bring him.

Just to let you know where I am coming from: I have been both the BS and, more recently, am a recovering WS.<P>As honesty, according to the good Dr. Harley, is the best policy, I will be directly honest here. Do not take its bluntness for insensitivity.<P>My wife got me hooked on this site and showed me your postings (this one and other recent ones): we concur for different reasons, perhaps, but nonetheless concur--it is time for you to implement Plan B. See the letter on pages 80 and 81 of Surviving an Affair.<P>Your W has made her current desires known. She is ill, far from home, and yet elects to have the OM by her side during her present crisis.<P>Let her know that you love her and care for her, but that her choice has left you with little choice but to protect the EN of yourself and your children. Let her know that the door is open at the moment, but that you cannot guarantee that it shall always remain thus: she may withdraw enough love units to deplete her account entirely and leave you no recourse but to get on with your life, both as an individual and as the father of your children.<P>Your emotional, gut-level impulse will be to rush to her side; the tone of your other postings suggests that you have been delaying Plan B for some time; that your W shows no sign, even in a time of need, of adhering to a Plan A: the termination of her A and total separation from the OM.<P>We (my W and I) believe that this substantially younger OM will not be able to handle your WS's current crisis ... their A will probably not survive it. By perpetuating a false Plan A, you are acting in a fashion that sends the message that you either condone or tolerate your WS's behavior. By implementing Plan B immediately, you are serving notice that she has a decision to make ... I know the timing appears to be bad (but isn't always?). I know also that it is not an easy decision to make: yet she has placed you in a position (with her request that you not come to her aid) where you have little other choice.<P>A step back now may mean many steps forward in the future: but you have left the decision and consequence entirely where it should be: with your WS.<P>Godspeed and best of luck,<BR>STL

SeenTheLight&W, Thank you for your post.I read it twice so it could sink in,I'm alittle numb from all that has gone on.ne thing you don't know is that my wife and I have talked at great length about this Aand I very much understand that it has to die a natural death.Even I diddn't think it would get tested this soon,I can only hope it will be sooner than later.My wife was due home Mon. and she would go and visit OM on weekends.Her horse biss.is here and we are not going to let this afect the kids,so I guess I am condoning it to a point.This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.So now you will know that I am nuts.Keep posting all help is gladly taken. THANKS NTK

ntn,<P>Look at this as a blessing in disguise! Here is the golden opportunity for "real life" to intrude in the fog of your W's A. The OM will be dealing with real problems - he will have to take care of her and see to it that her needs are met. He is much younger than she is, yes? If he is a lot younger, this might be a big wake-up call for him. He might decide that he doesn't want the responsibility of your W's illness and show his true colors. <P>I would advise letting your W and the OW go through this crisis together, no matter how messy it gets. You might also want to implement Plan B at the same time, and remove yourself from the situation. <P>blessings, tnt - please hang tight. Let things run their course.<P>belld

I had read a bit, and my W had seen and discussed with me, some of what you had discussed in other postings.<P>What is crucial here is implementing Plan B: Dr. Harley doesn't suggest anywhere that you commit emotional suicide here ... cutting yourself daily, and daily bleeding yourself out: at this rate, your love bank will be empty in no time, and at that point it may possibly be far to late to implement Plan B. Yes, the A must run its course: but you must be in a position that demonstrates that (a) You love your W and (b) you will not condone it. She has put you in the position. Take the step back. See if she takes the step forward. If she does, you have taken the first step together in a rough, but eventually rewarding journey. If she does not, you have created the first separation of distancing your emotional well-being and your WS.<P>I am fortunate that my W gave me the opportunity to take that step. I thank God that He gave me the wisdom and strength to take it.<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

Well my wife might get out of the hosp. by noon mon. and be on her way home tue.that will leave OM alone in a new place ,very strange to him.1)he is 26 unmarried 2)he is from a small town in the deep south.3)he has only met a few of my wifes friends,most of which are gay men.4) hes in a collage town full of single women about his age.I think I'll let the good lord work his mysterious ways.Let's all say our prayers now. NTK

And people say the Lord does not have a sense of humor ... are you giving odds on the gay guys or the college coeds claiming the OM's roving eye?<P>Godspeed and best of luck, STL

I don't know ,he's a good old boy from the south,I'm thinking it's a toss up if youv'e seen deliverince!LOL!But I"ll put money he screws up big time.I just have to sit and wait.With 18 years invessted in mywif I can wait a few weeks maybe a few mo. NTK

Well, keep us posted on progress. (Still, wonder if that good ol' southern boy has a resemblance to Ned Beatty ... now THAT would be poetic justice ... Or is that southern justice?)<P>Godspeed and good luck, STL

Just talked to my W,she sounds much better and is getting out of hosp. this a.m. but wont come home til tommorow.We talked a little about moveing nex door to our rental house so kids will have thier 0wn rooms,when I said I would have our same phone line at both homes to make it easer to move she thought it was a sneeky way for me to spy on her,sounds like a broken record.Think i'll just set the new place as mine alone and see what happens.Thanks for all the support. NTK