Hey Lor:<P>I've been keeping up with your recovery thru you posts to others. Did you WS TELL you that he was in love with the OW? Did he tell others, like friends and family that he loved OW?????<P>Thanks!

He told her he loved her. He told her we were getting a divorce (we weren't, I was the one who served the D papers before we reconciled the last time, he never did.) He told me that he enjoyed being with her, they did "everything" in bed, he told me that though he had said to her that he loved her, he didn't think he loved her...he thought it was lust, infatuation.<P>There was about 18 months when he did a lot of double speak, one train of words to me, another to her. I don't know what he said to others about her. They are co-workers and did party with other co-workers a few times very obviously as a couple themselves.<P>And I think at that point my H thought he probably would divorce me. But he didn't even see a lawyer. The more open the WS about the affair, the more difficult is seems to back track, but it still isn't impossible.<P>He told his dad he was divorcing me...and maybe about the OW, because his dad said to me, "Guard won't ever find a gal nicer than you." Either dad just figured what the problem was, or my H told him. I didn't ask.<P>LWM, I doubt whether or not the WS saying the words about love to/about the OP have a whole lot of effect on the outcome of the affair. Words of love are often used in seduction, whether they are true or not. And, the opposite is true, people can be in love and never say it.<P>I think my H thought he was in love with the OW...so he thought he could no longer be in love with me & told me so. Told me he didn't desire me. That wasn't true either. Now says he has always loved me, even when he didn't want to and said he didn't.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Thanks Lor! I know for a fact that he has recently begun talking to his family about her. Perhaps trying to sway them to "his side????" He has finally told his dad that he loved OW and either wouldn't admit that or just wouldn't talk about her before now. I feel like it is pretty hopeless now, maybe too much water under the bridge.... I guess you felt that way too, huh? Everyone says I need a boyfriend to get over him. I know that is so against MB, but at this point, I might would agree with that. What do you think?

Ok, now you get the next part of my story... <P>The only reason to add another person, an OM for you at this point would be if you absolutely were done with the marriage. If you do not ever want to reconcile with your H, and are ready for divorce, then get the divorce, THEN get a boyfriend.<P>As you may know, I'm telling you to "do what I say, not what I did" but, since my H & I did reconcile, having had "an inappropriate relationship", or EA really resulted in just more issues for us to get over, more trouble, another person involved, more hurt, more distrust.<P>Even if you don't reconcile, do you really feel that your emotions are ready for another relationship? That you won't end up whacking some guy with the baggage of your marriage, baggage the new guy didn't even pack? How do you think your trust level will be? Openness? What if he misses a date, or you can't reach him for a couple days? What do you think your reaction will be? What if your H does want you back in the near future? You'd be faced with the marriage you tried so hard to recover...but being with a new guy that hasn't hurt you, that you don't have the history--good or bad--with. Talk about too much water under the bridge...<P>I don't think it is a good idea to use somebody to get over your H. I think you need to work that out within yourself.<P>During our 7th separation the man I got involved with was perfectly pleasant. I hurt him. He hurt me "you want 'no contact'? Fine." I hurt my H. I think I made a bad choice in getting involved with someone before my divorce was final.<P>I can't emphasize enough that it made my marital reconciliation more unlikely, and recovery more difficult.<P>I apologize if I'm being too stern with you. I think I may know how you feel. It is a very difficult place to be when your spouse says the marriage is done...you still have hope...but you are tired...and you want a life, you want somebody to be kind to you. But you can be hurt in even another way, by someone new. <P>Take care.