My H cheated on me years ago and I never told a soul til the last month -- first a counselor I was seeing and then here. I've been to tons of therapy and we even went to a marriage counseling session and it was never disclosed.<P>I have always kept this a secret from everyone, somewhat out of my own shame. But sometimes I wonder if this was such a good idea. #1 - the secrecy forced me to try to recover from this on my own, and #2, I sometimes wonder if not keeping it a secret is an element of holding the WS accountable for their behavior?<P>There are certainly secrets that I would never want H to disclose to anyone, and my instinct is that his transgressions are between him, me, and God. But I don't think we could have effective therapy without being honest about that element, even though it's been years.<P>So, have you guys kept the affair secret from family and friends, or have you told anyone who would listen?<P>LG

Unfortunately (?), I told anyone and everyone who would listen to me. For me it was the right thing to do at the time, and it was before I heard about MB.<P>I believe it's a matter of personal choice as to whether or not you share your discovery of WS's A. It's a tough position to choose on. If you don't tell anyone, and things work out, then great... you don't have to explain yourself. If you don't tell anyone, and things don't work out, then you have to bring up so many shocking things. If you do tell anyone and everyone and things don't work out, then they'll already believe they understand why. And then if you do tell anyone and everyone and things do work out, then there's the issue of non-understanding by most.<P>It's a very tricky situation to handle. You have to do what is most comfortable to you. If you choose not to tell anyone else, then at the very least, continue to post here and let those who can, help.<P>Take care, and best of luck to you in your decision!<P>Karen<BR>

Hi LG,<P>Well, each has to make their own choice on this. The characertistics of both you and your H (even the OW) will be important factors. <P>If your H and OW are blatant and you want to be quiet about it, you may not have a choice and visa versa. Remember this secrets is how a lot of A's operate. <P>My H wanted everything kept a secret. His family's dysfunctional problems were built on secrets. When I came into his family, one of the first things I did was not keep secrets. I was discreet and tackful but if you think I was going to harbor a wrong act by keeping a secret, that family learned fast who not to tell. You know what, that broke the ice and forced most of the family to start getting along. <P>So when H was being secretive and OW who is a paranoid pysco babble type of character scared him into more secrecy, I blew it straight out of the water. I told my counselor, his family, elders, doctor, my boss, our friends as needed, my parents and some relatives. Whoever I needed to help me. <P>H was mad. I said ok, be mad, I need help dealing with you and they need to know what I am having anxiety attacks and why you are not here. <P>He eventually got over it. OW could not keep using her paranoia ploy, it is now getting old. I have already seen parts of her I wish I hadn't. Now even if she did have a pretty face, it would be marred by the bad piece of her I did see. Anyway, how can you keep something like that a secret. Will it help them continue their wrong course? If yes, then that is why I chose not keep it a secret. H even admitted he would have continued if I had not made an issue. <P>So while it may not be good for all, it was in my case. OW now says she will not have another A with a married man. Too much stress for her. Yea!!!!! Note: She did not say she would not have another A. Remember OW is still married, her D is final yet. <P>Your incident is the in the past. Mine is current. That condition may also have an impact on your decision. For me the reason to make it public was to get H out of the fog and help for me. <P>Just my 2 cents. <P>L.<p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited May 21, 2001).]

As Karen pointed out there are pros and cons either way. Total honesty would seem to dictate that family and friends should know; but in our case (me being the WS), we had to weigh whether or not it would have a positive or negative impact on our recovery.<P>After lengthy discussions, knowing the parties involved, we jointly concluded that it would be a detriment to our recovery process if we told friends and family. Our counselors know and the good folk here on MB.<P>It is not a matter, I think of dishonesty, in our case: it came down to a matter of us wanting the best possible odds for recovering from my folly.<P>As a WS (though I have been a BS too in my previous marriage), it would be easy to point out that I would bear the brunt of animosity and suffer shame and humiliation. To those who would so point out: yes it is somewhat true -- but nothing near the shame and humiliation of having so deeply wounded the one I love most.<P>Amazing that the human animal has it with themself to bring both the greatest pleasure and the deepest pain to those we love.<P>So analyze your circumstance: do you need a network of support and help? Will publicizing the A have a negative or positive impact on your marital recovery? Is the WS truly repenatant, showing remorse, shame, guilt, etc.? These conditions and others will be unique to your situation, and only you can judge the proper course.<P>Godspeed and good luck, STL

I am SeenTheLight's wife. Wanted to add my 2 cents here too. I discovered my H's affairs in late March of this year. At the time I did not tell friends or family about them because I was so shocked, humiliated and embarrassed. I did make an appointment and discuss the affairs with my counselor within the second week. <P>At first I found it very hard to not have a support system outside of my marriage. I recall telling my H that it felt a little odd, but he was both the source of my comfort and my pain in those early days. After much reflection I decided not to tell friends and family. This decision was based on my experience in my previous marriage. My friends and family could be counted on to support me to the end of the earth. But their support would be in the form of "dump him". They would not be capable of understanding our following MB. I felt that by telling them I would not be able to make an unpressured decision about saving my marriage. I also knew, that if I stayed with my H, my family and friends would no longer be able to accept him. Another pressure we did not need in our marriage if we were able to work things out. Another concern I had was that in my previous marriage, I did tell friends and family about many of our problems. I found that they simply do not have the skills to give good advice regarding marital problems and recovery. Their advice tends to be of the knee-jerk variety. And they NEVER forgot the terrible things I told them about my spouse. (Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly but they are after all not trained counselors. Only people who love me.)<P>As it turns out I am very glad that I did not immediately call everyone I knew to tell them of my marital problems. Through this I've had my counselor, MB forum, and my H as my support system. In exploring Dr. Harley's policy of honesty, my husband and I have spent hours discussing every aspect of our marriage, the affairs, our personal needs, etc., etc., etc. The result of this is that we have truly become each other's confidants. This as strengthened our marriage at a time when it could have fallen apart.<P>So to tell, or not to tell? I'd caution anyone to not indiscriminately tell anyone who will listen. You cannot take back the negative things told. Choose your support system well - choose those who have the skills to be an asset to your life and marriage. Many times a third party, such as a counselor, is the only choice.<P>You said that your H's affair took place years ago and you have never even told a counselor until recently. I do believe that effective counseling cannot take place until the counseled can be totally honest to the counselor. <P>I do have to say that once I confronted my H about his affairs, he was open and honest with me, stopped all contact with the Other Women, was remorseful and took responsibility for his actions, was very empathetic about my pain. He also stated from day one that he loved me and wanted us to work on our marriage. At that point we found the Dr. Harley book, "Surviving an Affair". After reading the book we both agreed that we would us Dr. Harley's methods to recover from the affairs and strengthen our marriage. Who knows what I would have done if all of this had not gone so right. I might very well have felt a much stronger need for the support of my friends and family.<P>I really do not believe that it serves any purpose to tell friends and family so that the WS can be held accountable for their behavior. He is first accountable to you, himself and God. If his affair did not cause harm to the friends and family, there is probably no need to tell.<P>From your post I get the impression that you are still suffering terribly from the affair. I also get the idea that he is not taking responsibility for his actions. It also sounds like you are having trouble bearing the load of this pain on your own. So, if you need support by all means get some. But do it wisely to help yourself and your marriage, not to punish your husband.<P>Have you read any of the Dr. Harley books? They might be of great help to you. And do keep posting here. This forum is a great place. I has helped me through this difficult time.<P><BR>IMHO<BR>Z

I told 2 close friends ( I couldn't go through it totally alone) my sister (her exH was a cheater) and my SIL and BIL (BIL's first wife cheated on him). Neither of our parents ever found out. To this day H has no idea who ever knew what. He never asked and I never told him. I think he realizes that it was my right to tell anyone I damn well wanted to. In a sense I did protect him (like from our parents) but I felt it was the best thing to do since I wanted to save the marriage. Had we ended up getting divorced I would have shouted it from the rooftops. No way would I have kept that dirty secret for him if we weren't going to be together.

I totally blabbed to people in my church--I thought that I was safe with this because my husband does not go to church with me. It was a little obvious that something was up because I backed my bags and went back to the US (from Japan) so everyone in contact with us knew. Of course, this did not help things any because it just made my husband mad. He told me that I ruined his reputation.

No HE ruined his reputation.