I need help from anyone at this point. We have been in recovery for 8 months, long time for some just a beginning for others. No matter what we seem to try, Have bought all the books on site, we just can't get it to click. The feeling in this house is one of general unhappiness. There isn't much laughter anymore and most of the time it looks like it is getting worse not better. Arguements can stem from the littlest things. I know we both regret coming home every day from work and would rather stay working than face this mess we have made.<BR> I don't know how much more I can take and I'm sure they can't take much more either. I had gotten over the depression i once felt but feel it slowly returning. Most days I wish that I wouldn't wake up at all. I have never believed in suicide but the option is looking more appealing with each new day.<BR> Someone suggest something that will help return the love to this house that use to be here.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC<p>[This message has been edited by HealingnNC (edited May 21, 2001).]

You and your spouse may still be in depressions. You say yours is returning. It may have never left, just cycled to a lower level for a while. Maybe you both need antidepressents. <P>Are you doing the work mapped out in the Dr. Harley books?

Healing,<P>I hope this response doesn't seem overly simplistic.<BR>Do you have the HN/HN book? There is also a workbook that goes with it? If you do, then there are specific excercises for each chapter. Have you done them? If not, start from chapter one and make sure the two of you set time each week to work these lessons. It does pay off. She has to be willing to do the work also.<BR>The arguments over little things are easy to fall into. that was what my relationship was like at one point. I have to be very vigilant about not doing that. It is considered a lovebuster by most as I am sure it is considered by you and your spouse. You have to make a conscious descision not to initiate or participate in that. Bite your tongue or move to a different room if you have too. <BR>This is a starting point but it takes constant work.<BR>We have been in recovery for about one year and it's just now really starting to click. It takes constant attention, so don't back off.<P>cleo

The books I have and have read, I do own HS/HN and the workbook that goes with it. I cannot get her to participate in the workbook and anti-depreesants are not even a consideration for her.<BR> I do not feel the answer was simplistic if it is helpful, maybe simple is what is needed now. I will try again to get the workbook out and maybe if I begin the excercises in there and let her read them she will give it a try.<BR> My answer may seem short but I just don't have the energy to do a lot of thinking right now.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Healing,<P>I should add that you might consider antideps if you haven't already. Don't forget you must take care of yourself and your child.<P>take care,<BR>cleo

It hasn't been that long for me just yet...only 1 1/2 months since d-day, but I'd like to suggest that you start smiling and laughing as often as you can simply because it's infectious, it's good for your soul and will be good for your child. I refuse to be depressed in front of my 22-month old simply because it's not fair to her. My doctor recently prescribed Paxil for me (we discussed this on a another thread) and she guarantees that it will help me to just feel good.

HealingNC,<P>I don't want to seem like a Pollyanna, but what keeps me getting up everyday is HOPE. I sometimes have to look hard. I sometimes have to post to this site to find it. I sometimes look into my children's eyes. Lately, I've had to pray like I've never prayed before. I've had to give up my control and put it into God's hands. <P>I am not a generally positive person. My H will tell you that I always prepare for the worst case senario. But this experience is teaching me that I am the only one in control of me and my thoughts. <P>I tell my students the only real failure is the failure to try. Further, there is no 'try,' there is only DO! Now I have to walk the talk! <P>Just Do It, HealingNC. Dig hard. Look at pictures from happier times. Remember what brought you together. Do things together that brought you enjoyment. Don't let a day pass where you don't crack a joke, or laugh at someone else's.<P>And, finally, do see dr. regarding depression if you think it's returning...<P>You will be in my prayers.<P>------------------<BR>See each day as a new beginning!<P>Cali

The idea stated here that even if your wife cannot take antidepressants that it might be wise if you were to at least get help for your (apparent) depression. If one person in a relationship changes, then the relationship changes. If you become happier then it will draw your relationship in that direction. <P>Prolong malaise and unhappiness is a sure sign of depression. <P>Could one of the main problems in your relationship be that you and your spouse have forgotten how to have fun? I've been there (in my previous marriage) and understand how slippery that slope can be. I believe that one of the quickest ways to get fun and humor back into your relationship is through romance. For most women affection is their greatest emotional need. And romance fills the need for affection so well too. Don’t' know if it would help you but I'd like to recommend that book "1001 ways to be Romantic" by Gregory Godek. It's a national best seller so it should be available at any bookstore. It's a wealth of fun, romantic, nurturing things to do. <P>If your wife will not do the workbook at this time, perhaps you can work on issues by yourself. Introduce changes into your marriage that will benefit both of you and lift your spirits.<BR>

Once again thank you for the advice. I need to address the comments on daughter. My daughter is 15 and well aware of the A. WS use to take daughter with her to OP house at night while I was at work and then had daughter lie about what time they got home. I was working 11:00pm - 7:00 am. I eventually found out that they would get home between 3:30am and 4:30am but WS had daughter lie and say that they were home between 10:30 and 11:00. My daughter and WS now also have a love hate relationship going and really doesn't care if this works out. Daughter has voiced the opintion that she thinks we should leave WS. Daughter doesn't want any contact if we leave.<BR> I have contacted doctor about antidepressants and think I will be going back on Serizone, I hate taking meds but anything has to be better than this.<BR> Will try to work in workbook myself and see if that helps. Just don't know when you finally call it quits and start all over in a new life.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

I haven't posted on this board in a while...i'm usually on the pregnancy and child board...but just wanted to let you know that one thing in your post I could relate to, is that there is alot of unhappiness in our humble abode as well. I feel as if this is a house but not a home. I am currently on prozac, but don't feel much of a change. I had been on this years ago for an eating disorder and stopped them to have kids, but the latest turn of events has led me back to them. I think I need a level check.<BR>Anyway...just wanted to let you know someone is in the same place, even the same time frame (10 months).<BR>It's kind of ironic...ever since I found out I have felt very uncomfortable in our home. He never had her here, but we fought often here, and the memories of the lies, and d-day, and the first few months of recovery linger here for me. We are now relocating, and it seems like a great thing to have a new beginning, but scarey as you-know-what because my whole suport system is here in NJ.<BR>Keep posting...it really helps!<BR>NGU<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited May 22, 2001).]