How many times before you consider it serial cheating/sex addiction?<P>How many years has this behavior gone on?<P>Is the wife or husband the serial cheater?<P>Did they have an abusive childhood?<P>How many times did your serial cheater cheat on you?<P>Is the addict in counseling for the addiction?<P>A 12 step program?<P>What do you look for that influences your belief that the cycle of addiction has been broken?<P>Did addict contract any STD's?<P>How did discovery finally happen?<P>Has the serial cheater experienced a relapse since discovery?<P><BR>My answers:<BR>I think you are a serial cheater if you cheat more than twice. You are a sex addict if you experience powerlessness, and tell yourself this is the last time and of course there ends up being a next time.<P>Behavior went on for 13 years before it stopped at discovery<P>Husband is the serial cheater<P>He did experience an abusive childhood<P>He was unfaithful 14 times<P>He is in couseling, but not a 12 step program<P>I believe our cycle of addiction has been broken because we are open and honest about his addiction. Our mom's are a support system for us. He expresses extreme remorse and complete repentance. We want to reach out and help others in similar circumstances when we are stronger. We will tell our children when they are older. He has no desire to go to a bar and thinks about women in a more healthy way than he used to.<P>No STD's so far, thank you God.<P>Discovery happened when I found e-mails to one person whom I suspected. Because of a statement in one of those emails I began to realize that something much more serious was going on. I wrote him a long letter and told him that I was committed no matter what. I couldn't fight for what I don't have knowledge of. So he told me everything slowly and painfully over a period of a month in answer to my questions.<P>No relapse although I'm still at that stage where I wouldn't mind if he had a relapse so I could leave the marriage.... <P>

I don't know if my husband is a "serial cheater," but I know that he carried on with more than one woman during the last two years.<P>There was this real young gal that he had a questionable internet relationship with (he says he never met her, but he had her phone number,) then I guess Miss Kitty (he met her on ICQ and she was the main one that he had an affair with for a couple of months--she lived only a couple of hours from his military school and got together on weekends.) Then there was some female that he did cybersex with and he met her in real life at least once (he actually told Miss Kitty that he was going to watch football with his brother so he could hang up with her and go meet this woman at a bar.) I found their chat mixed in with the chat between him and Miss Kitty.<P>My husband and I separated (actually, I left) He asked me to come back and I did on condition that he would cut contact with all his 'friends.' He swore to me that he was not doing what I knew deep down he was doing. So I came back. Wouldn't you know, he had the webcam and the microphone all hooked up--sure enough, I got on the computer and found more cybersex chat with different women. My husband looks at the websites for swingers and porn, and he chats with the women that post their pictures. He obviously had several favorites--although, to him, it's not cheating. To me it is. Actually, he denies doing it at all, which is totally scary to me. He does, and says he doesn't. That freaks me out.<P>I feel kind of like you do--just give me a reason to leave, is what I am thinking. I wish that I did not feel this way.<P>I told him a long time ago that if he did not want me, he should just let me know, and I will walk away willingly and never look back. But it is cruel to lie to me and I will not take that.<P>Oh yes, your questions. Sorry--(I have already answered a few.)<P>It has gone on for about 3 years<P>He did not have an abusive childhood. He was pampered and spoiled by very loving parents who had a lifetime of love together<P>My husband will not go to counseling. He will lose his job if found out<P>I know that the cybersex affairs are on-going still--or at least until I walked into this house<P>I don't know for sure if I contracted a disease or not. Something was messed up down there for a while, but it maybe not from him. However, I had been totally celibate while we were apart (while he was fooling around with Miss Kitty.)<P>Discovery happened when I found pictures of Miss Kitty in my house. He denied any relationship with her--he didn't know who she was. Then I found an e-mail. He said that she was just a pen-pal. Then I found pictures of her taken in his barracks room while he was in school, and he said that she was just a friend. Then I found their chat describing all of their sexual experiences. He still denies that he slept with her, whatever that means.<P>See, I can't trust him. Can you really love someone you can't trust. I feel like I would be faking it if I told him that I loved him, but I know that I should "plan A" him if I want to stay in the marriage. What to do, what to do.

a few more ?'s<P>What other addictions if any were present?<P>Do you feel you were/are codependent? <P>What signs did you ignore?<P><BR>my answers:<P>alcohol/pornography<P>I don't believe I was codependent although I think I have to be to a small degree to have chosen to remain married, but I did not ever have any idea that he was screwing around. I thought we had an almost perfect marriage. Codependents often overlook things because they are afraid they will lose their spouse.<P>Signs I ignored: He couldn't sleep well for years. He was depressed although I did not realize this. He occasionally could not have an orgasm.

Can't resist one more ?<P>Obviously our marriages were not what we thought they were. Why did you settle?<P><BR>That is a difficult question. I have 2 children. I accepted my marriage as it was. I overlooked the everwidening distance between myself and my husband. I accepted him looking at pornography and made myself believe it was OK. I am a giving, simple person, I needed little in return to make me content. I was happy with myself and what I was doing in my own life. I became too independent.

My ex cheated five times - and yeah, I think he might have been a serial cheater. He always, right from "day one" had innappropriate **friendships** and daliances with women. Those five women could be added to the few others who he didn't "do anything with" but had problems nonetheless -- like "pool lady" who came to me and said, "Keep your H away from me."<P>My ex's biggest "problem" is/was his looks> I always knew he was beautiful, well-built, and the "strong, silent type" but for some reason, he had little self-confidence. That combo is very attractive to women, I guess (I liked it anyway!) and he was always "getting into trouble"...<P>We both had "addictions" all over the place.<P>I think he's finally learned that you can't cheat on your wife and get away with it. I left him and nobody was more shocked than he was. That's how I broke the cycle. <P>

My husband, out of the blue, starting drinking heavily. During the first five years we were married, I never saw him drink a whole beer. Now he's got a stash and he gets travel guides and info on-line that describe any clubs in the areas where he goes TAD<P>He is definately addicted to pornography. I saw him look at it once or twice during the first five years of our marriage and expressed my disgust over it. I don't like it, I know a lot of wives go along with it, but I don't like it at all. Last summer, I found tons and tons of videos stored on this computer that were unforgetably gross. (He has since erased them.) He is secretive about it now, but more absorbed in it than ever. You should see the cookies on our temp internet files.<P>I don't think that I have really ignored anything--I was very aware of the warning signs and expressed my unhappiness. This, of course, caused A LOT of conflict in our marriage ("I am an adult, I can do what I want. Is there anything else you want to b**ch about? If you aren't happy, then get a plane ticket. What's wrong with looking at naked pictures? Why don't you ever focus on all the other stuff I work on? You are just trying to control me, like usual.")<P>It frequently bothered me that VERY often, my husband could not or would not allow himself to climax when we were being intimate. He would go for a long time, wait until I got mine, then go to sleep. I can't explain it, but it was kind of disturbing to me. I asked him if I was doing the right things for him, if he enjoyed me. He would always tell me that he did, but it was not important that he had an orgasm. It made me feel bad. I don't know why.<P>When he was heavily into the cybersex chat (and I didn't know at the time,) he was asking me to try some really nasty things in bed. He was touching me in ways that I was not accustomed to being touched--that was a huge waring sign. And again, he would not reach an orgasm, or if he did, it took forever.<P>Is there a connection with these things?

How many times before you consider it serial cheating/sex addiction? <P>I personally do not think of it as a numbers based issue. I look at it like, if you are in a committed relationship, and you cheat, then it is a problem. It’s not like your typical affair. One is too many and a thousand never enough. <P>How many years has this behavior gone on?<BR> <BR>I have had this behavior my entire life. When I was much younger in High School, I just thought that I did this because: I wasn’t in a serious commitment with someone, I was drinking. My first marriage was plagued with drug and alcohol abuse, he cheated, my mother had inappropriate relationships with men. I never had any positive role model, in how to develop relationships.<P>Is the wife or husband the serial cheater?<P>I am the wife. I am the cheater. <P>Did they have an abusive childhood?<P>I was emotionally abused as a child. Some physical abuse would get hit, slapped across the face, spanked. However, the most sever abuse was that I was neglected. My parents rarely spoke to me. They focused on my younger brother, who could do no wrong. The only time I got attention, was when I got into trouble. <P>How many times did your serial cheater cheat on you? <P>Well, since I am the cheater, (I hate this word), 5 times. I cannot minimize it at all. Typing out this response is one of the most painful things I have ever done. <P><BR>Is the addict in counseling for the addiction? <P>Yes, I go to a group therapy everyweek that is run through the rehab I went to.<BR> <BR>A 12 step program? <P>I do attend Al-Anon, and I went to several SLAA meetings. In our area, it is small; one person was there. I do read the literature. I can no longer attend the other fellowship I attended, since I acted out there.<P><BR>What do you look for that influence your belief that the cycle of addiction has been broken? <P>Being accountable not only to my husband, but to myself as well. I never ever had any respect for myself. Today I do. I see a psychiatrist; I am currently on medication. I talk about my feelings; I do not have inappropriate relationships with men. I realize how much I have to lose, and I don’t ever want to lose it. I am so tired of living with the pain of my past that I don’t ever want to go back there again.<P>Did addict contract any STD's?<P>No, thank the lord.<P>How did discovery finally happen? <P>I began an Internet relationship, and my husband was looking around on my computer one day. He found several emails, and stories that I had written. I denied everything in the beginning, and then slowly over several months, he discovered more things, and finally I was able to speak the truth. Only through my belief in a higher power, and constant personal agony. <P>Has the serial cheater experienced a relapse since discovery? <BR>NONE. <BR> <BR>What other addictions if any were present? <P>I have been an alcoholic since the age of 15, drug addict since 16. Got clean off of drugs at 23. Relapsed on drugs, and the sex addiction took off. Got off of drugs, continued with the SA. Also, I must add, Compulsive overeater, Compulsive shopping. <P>Do you feel you were/are codependent? <P>Yes, I am a definite Co dependant.<P>What signs did you ignore? <P>I ignored all my signs. I was always looking for something/someone to take me out of myself. I hated myself. No matter what I had, it was never enough. I was never good enough. I was nothing.<P>I hope this helps. I really feel exhausted after typing all of this out. But, this is good therapy for me. My goal is to help other people understand the addiction and hopefully get the help they need.<P><BR>PJ<BR>

Hmmm...interesting questions. Let's see...<P>I guess to me, I consider it serial cheating if it's more than 2 times.<P>My H's behaviour has gone on for 6 yrs (since we met, although he had 3 to 3 1/2 years inbetween that he was with me, and only me emotionally and physically).<P>It's my H who is the serial cheater.<P>I don't believe H had an abusive childhood, but HE thinks he did (he still has 'issues' with his parents.. he's 27 yrs old now! been out of his parents house for 10yrs now... time to get over it! geesh!).<P>How many times did H cheat on me? The ones that I KNOW about for sure are: 5 PA's and a MINIMUM of 10 EA's (which are still going on with new women all the time).<P>H is not in counselling. He doesn't believe he has a problem. But according to him, everyone else in this world does.<P>In the 3 to 3 1/2 yrs that his cycle broke, he spent less time online (his primary source to search out new women and visit porn sites).<P>STD's... not sure yet. I'm still waiting on my test results. I got some back that are 'abnormal', and have to go back and get the tests redone (sigh!).<P>All of the discoveries came about by either my snooping or his being caught red handed.<P>Yes, he relapsed for 3 to 3 1/2 yrs.. but fell prey to his addiction again (sigh!).<P>The only other addiction that was present (this past summer, prior to our son's passing) was a frequent use of 'oil'. He realized he was getting hooked, and stopped (but not until Andrew was gone).<P>I used to feel as though I was extremely co-dependant on H. And even told him so on occasion. I would refer to myself as not being a whole person anymore, that he was my other half, and I acknowledged the fact that I didn't like it that way. But that was before MB, and I didn't know how I could change that.<P>The signs I ignored were the numerous porn videos he has (at least 50 or 60). I chose to use them for us to watch together, but never considered that he may be watching them on his own. And then when things were getting really bad (by his withdrawing from me bigtime), I ignored the fact that he was online more and more then. I didn't understand the concept of EA's... but now that I do.. DUH!! on me!!<P>Why did I settle with H? I was pregnant with our first child (the one who has since passed away). I was scared, and afraid to be a single mum. We did have an awesome friendship, and found each other so easy to talk to. I was in love with him, and couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Most of that was a self esteem issue.. who would want to take me AND a kid that was someone elses?? I know better now. But now, there are 3 more kids in the picture! And I guess I always had that idea that I could change him. Now I know better, only he can change himself. But he still has yet to realize that HE is the one with the problems.<P>I did my best to plan A, but just couldnt' take it any longer. As a previous thread asked, "how do you plan a a serial cheater?". It just can't be done. Not properly anyways. There is always someone new that you're up against, and you don't even know it. I am now in my own version of plan B. Because of the kids, and low income, I have no other choice but to stay in contact with H as far as visitations go, at least for the next few months, until we can have a steady schedule that can be adhered to (which is also a problem, because of his varying work days and shifts every week).<P>Thanks for this thread. I'll bookmark it to remind me how important plan B is for me to stick with.<P>Karen<BR>

You are awesome, PJ, you have been more help than you could know during the last couple of weeks especially, in helping all of us understand what the WS is going through.<P>I was once the WS in my first marriage, as you probably know from other posts. As you expressed, actually saying it and admitting it--the whole thing--is horridly painful but it is theraputic. It helps put everything in the past.<P>I don't really feel that I was a serial cheater--but I did have multiple "friendships" outside of my marriage. Only one of them ever was physical. It was cheating none the less. One of them I fell deeply in love with--the very fact that he wouldn't have sex with me made me love him even more because I felt that our love was "sacred" enough for us to wait (for me to get divorced.) Whatever.<P>One thing that you mentioned actually struck home with me. My relationship with my parents was like yours--I was never ever actually beated physically, just spanked, whipped for punishment, sometimes slapped, but my parents ignored the hell out of me. Totally. That is, until I got into trouble, and then I heard about what I loser I was. My younger brother was and still is, the only child that really matters to my parents. It may seem a horrible thing for me to confess (my husband says that I am just whining so someone will feel sorry for me besides being ungrateful) but to me, it is very real. At the age of 34, I have finally started to analyze and accept this situation and deal with it. I have a very stiff relationship with my parents, still. But I am able to love them as they are now, because I understand them. I don't agree with them, but I understand them.<P>I think this very much lent a hand in the terrible self image that I had for so many years and ultimately my destructive marriages and inappropriate relationships.<P>Oh, they always blame it on the parents, huh?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bernzini:<BR><B>I was once the WS in my first marriage, as you probably know from other posts. As you expressed, actually saying it and admitting it--the whole thing--is horridly painful but it is theraputic. It helps put everything in the past.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree... sigh... I hate what I did by cheating myself and it amazes me still that I did it at all. It was SO AGAINST everything I've ever believed in! I look back and I don't even recognize the woman I was at that time!<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Interesting. I guess H is really suffering from an abusive childhood afterall. His younger sister is the do gooder. The one who always gets showered with affection from their parents. H has never felt he could measure up to her. H was also a big trouble maker when he still lived at home. Always seeking attention. Usually negative. In fact, that's what he is still doing.<P>I thought he had accepted the fact that it wasn't his fault that his parents outwardly showed favouritism to his sister. At least he said that. Obviously it hasn't fully sunk in to him. Almost as though he's only saying those kind of things in order to convince himself.<P>I truly hope that he will come to terms with his problems like you have plain jane. I admire your strength to share with all of us. I cannot imagine how painful it is for you coming to terms with what you have. HUGS! And Bernzini, hugs to you too for acknowledging yourself as well!<P>Karen<BR>

Before I began cheating, I was a Sunday School teacher for children's church. I was pretty sure that I had good morals.<P>I was a devoted, loving mom to my kids. I wanted to be a devoted wife. I was taught to be, anyways.<P>Cheating made a mockery of every good thing that I had been taught to believe my whole life. <P>The only way to "erase" and reconcile it is to confess it--all of it--and in doing so, I guess we help others to understand besides healing ourselves. There are some very brave people here who have shared their their darkest and most agonizing secrets. You all have my utmost respect. You have the respect of everyone here, and also appreciation.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bernzini:<BR><B>Before I began cheating, I was a Sunday School teacher for children's church. I was pretty sure that I had good morals.<P>I was a devoted, loving mom to my kids. I wanted to be a devoted wife. I was taught to be, anyways.<P>Cheating made a mockery of every good thing that I had been taught to believe my whole life. <P>The only way to "erase" and reconcile it is to confess it--all of it--and in doing so, I guess we help others to understand besides healing ourselves. There are some very brave people here who have shared their their darkest and most agonizing secrets. You all have my utmost respect. You have the respect of everyone here, and also appreciation.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You know what? Me too, me too, me too!<P>I could really judge my then-H for cheating because **I would never do that** and then I went and did it. Pathetic. That's why I no longer judge.<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

to everyone on this thread <BR>Could I humbly ask you guys to check out my reply to free2Bme in the thread "to SKM"? I was moved by what she wrote and wanted to reply there, but I spoke about just what you guys are talking about in regards to our side of this illness.<P>I'll post again, but PJ has answered most of the questions for me <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008998.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008998.html</A>

Hi,<P>David asked me to check out this thread. I was an OW during my early 20's - I was single, he was not. It was my first and last affair (EA or PA).<P>Sometimes I now feel God is getting me back for this time in my life, but SKM did a beautiful job explaining how wrong that thinking is.<P>My H has many inappropriate friendships with women. He doesn't really see them as wrong, but it's causing much conflict in our marriage as a result of these friendships.<P>My H had an abusive childhood and his father didn't see him for about 5 years of his early childhood so he has abandonement issues. His mom was the abusive one.<P>My H had one PA that I know of in January 00, but he disappeared for 2 days last September and I found he flew to FL. Many, many lies surround his disappearance.<P>My H is a recovering addict, although I never knew him in the throes of his addiction. He says he relapsed when he disappeared, but there has been zero proof of this. I believe he met a woman on-line and flew to meet her.<P>He has met many women on the net and has exchanged pictures, emails and phone conversations. He may not have been emotionally or physically involved, but the secrecy behind them is where I feel betrayed.<P>My H tells me lies upon lies and I find something new every week - it hurts so much to be so disgarded!<P>We are in counseling together (tonight is our 2nd session), but I don't thik I can ever trust in him again. I'm very torn bcs I took my vows seriously yet I can't go on with this pain.<P>My H is very into pornography and I recently put a lock on the cable box - last year he watched over $50 worth of movies in 1 month.<P>I am a classic co-dependant!<P>Thanks for sharing!<P> <P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL>

BrokenDreamX,<BR>Great Post! Thanks! <BR>Thanks again for responding to my Post on "recovery" link & so you know some of my story -- My D-Day was 01-17-01 & with my W's confession without knowing much officially about SA, I thought it was obvious something like this was a problem. Frankly, until recently I had kind of put in in the back of my mind.<BR>There were several signs that I recognised as potential for A two - three months before D-Day -- The sleepless nights has been a problem for her, but I never asscociated that with this?<BR>I have read a fair amount about SA, but need to review & get more info --<BR>For other info -- current PA was with two guys --lasted 6 mos. --other known PA was 20 years ago -- some suspoious things in between, but no confirmation.<BR>Like PJ said, I blieve there are other characterisitics that desribe SA other than just the frequency or number of partners, but this would be a big indicator.<BR>I believe there has been no re-occurence since D-Day, but I'm not confident that if opportunity presented itself, that she would not slip back into this activity.<BR>I need to review more exactly what it means to be a codependent, but I know when I read book "Out of the Shadows" by Carnes I felt that I was -- I too have very high sex drive & have also shown some survace signs of addiction --i.e. been to strip clubs, had a Porn movie for several years -- since her A & increased sex drive I got a couple more for us to watch togeather -- have a couple dirty magazines.<BR>Most things described about serial cheaters make it clear it is either sex, but it's mostly presented as the Male as the offender & lacking intimacy, ect. Those fit my W -- I am more the passive, sensative type than she.<BR>That's been an issue of late in fact--<BR>She claims she did not have a physically abusive childhood, but she definately has a verbally abusive father & both parents were not good role models for attention & affection when she was growing up -- My W recently shared with me that her mother was sexually abused by her brother -- <BR>Two days after D-days (decided on D-Day) I sent my W away to her parents, where she stayed for 10 days or so, then she went to her single cousins place & I saw potential unhealthy pattern & went out & brought her back 02-08-01. Another story there, which reinforces addiction theroy.<BR>She's in Counselling, but it's confidential & I am respecting that now & have not specifically asks about this as I had in her earlier counseling -- Codependent stuff??<BR>I'm rambling & have to move on here, but I really appreciate any additional insight you may give me --particularly suggestions as to how to get WS to recogise this as a problem. <BR>I need to post a reply on my thread & I'll provide an update there.<BR>Also, I believe she has some eating disorder traits & is a compulsive shopper, which she has been dening for years, as her children M 30 & F 24)have also made those suggestions -- <BR>Peace be with you!<BR>HH<p>[This message has been edited by Hurrian Hoosier (edited May 21, 2001).]

There is a difference here, I would like to point out.<P>You can be a serial cheater, and a sex addict, or you can just be a serial cheater. I was the latter--sex really wasn't a need, but being "loved" was. I have been with 5 men in my whole life, two of them I was married to, and the rest in between marriges. One was the physical affair that I mentioned that occured during my first marriage. But I had a whole slew of boyfriends that I didn't sleep with in any way. I wanted the attention and the affection.<P>My husband needs to be loved a little more than I can give him, but he likes to weird sex stuff that he can get from other women, too. He's addicted to it. That is certain. I never understood this--we had a great time together sexually, it's not like I have ever denied him or been cold to him. I thought that we both enjoyed each other (except for the fact that he did not climax often.) If anything, the extramarital sex (yes, most of it webcam) has really messed up the real intimacy we had together because of the all the yucky stuff he wanted to re-enact from encounters with all of his friends.<P>Of course, now, I have to fight off the revulsion I feel everytime he turns to me for intimacy. This has really kind of ruined sex for me--he is the one who had affairs, *I* am the one who feels dirty.<P>Oh, Broken Dreams--you asked why I settled for my husband, my marriage. Well, yes, it's for the kid, that's why I came back to him after our separation. And this is my home. And I do still love him--I am overwhelmed by his problems--our problems, he would say--and I don't know where to begin to help him resolve them. In addition to sex addiction, he has an anger problem, too. He is very verbally abusive--however, now I am able to "filter" the rotten things he says to me and interpret instead of react. Fixing things seem unattainable. Most people would just leave, I am certain.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bernzini: <BR>Oh, they always blame it on the parents, huh? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You know, I used to think that I was the only one in the world that was treated that way. At least I'm not alone! My mother had a very hard time with me. Whenever I would do something, (bad), go to a therapist, whatever, she would say, "Well, I suppose you will blame me.".<P>This last time around she said, "Well, if it comes out that I did something to you when you were five, so be it". I was like, hello?????Anyway, I used to blame my parents for all my problems, but they were the first ones I would run to if I needed help! Now, I realize that I am responsible. Not them. They did the best they could with what they were given.<P>After reading these thread, there are tons of similarities. It is pretty scary. But, at least it gives us something to focus on, and what changes need to be made for our lives in the future.<P>Attention, affection. Negative all negative. Now, again, the focus is on me, and it is negative. However, I am having a better day, we had a great weekend, and I am excited to be able to share my experience, strenght and hope with others.<P>PJ<P>

Good morning,<P>Please see my thread "Every Man's Battle" for a link to this book. My H started attending a group of men from church who are using this book as a sort of bible study. It has questions in it to see if you are a SA and he was surprised at how borderline he really is.<P>He's opening up to me about his sexual sins and although I'm shocked - I feel so validated since I suspected but he continued to lie about it.<P>This is such a great thread!<P> <P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL>

Hi All,<P>I've been hibernating for a few days and just picked up this thread. I'm still trying to come to terms with my H being a Serial Cheater, something he won't admit to being. I think that if he did he would also be compelled to confess MORE (which I know is out there, having been told by two other potential OW,and one OW early on, all of whom he denies exist).<P>I think that cheating more than once with more than one person, you need to take a good look at yourself and your motives.<P>His behavior has gone on, I'm guessing, since before we were married and all the way through ten years of marriage. If I go by what he says, it's six years.<P>The H is the serial cheater.<P>He did not have an abusive childhood.<P>He admits to having sex with 5 other women, backing out of one after "making out".<P>He is not in counseling because he does not have a problem!<BR>( )<P>He is not in a 12 step program because he has no other problems, either!<P>I will believe that the cycle has been broken when...<BR>... he tells me everything<BR>... he can drive down the street without double taking every attractive woman on the sidewalk<BR>... ditto when he's out at a restauraunt with me<BR>... he admits to having a problem and seeks treatment<BR>... he no longer "requires" the friendship of many women to be a complete person.<P>(Jeez! This will NEVER HAPPEN!!!!)<P><BR>He contracted Herpes from a co-worker and shared it with me. Than you SOOOOooooo much....<P>He confessed to "making out" with the woman who picked him up after a show. The next day, three friends told me of one other PA they knew of, and one attempt. He confessed four more (though at the time he blurted out SIX more and then backpedaled) on Good Friday, almost one year after his first confession.<P>I have no reason to believe that he HAS been monogamous. He lets me know that he can "get laid anytime".<P>Other addictions? When we first met, he was a HEAVY cocaine user and he also admitted to sleeping with about 100 women duriing that summer alone. Right now, I believe he's an alcoholic. And he does quite a bit of porn surfing on the internet. <P>I didn't ignore the signs. I asked him about every single one. He denied until he was blue in the face and turned a lot of it back around to me, that I could never trust anyone. He was going to be out all night with his friends and I was going to be at home and that was that. <P>In the midst of all of his cheating, he even told me that I didn't deserve a faithful husband. That's when I gave up. I stayed for the kids and because I was afraid. I was alone without friends or family, thousands of miles from home. <P>Am I co dependent? Classic, no doubt. <P>So is there an answer sheet, BDX? What does all of this mean? So many of "them" (aliens in their own right, though from a different galaxy than the non-serial cheaters in tha fog) and they all seem to act in the same way. Do they ever recover?<P>Snow<P>