H and I will be married 3 yrs. this October. We generally have a very good marriage. He is a wonderful H and the best friend I ever had. <P>We took the EN questionaire right before marriage, his #1 EN is affection, #2 is communication. My #1 is admiration, #2 is honesty. Also for the record, he is an INTJ, I'm an INFP/INFJ.<P>I LB'd big time this weekend after we went out to dinner Saturday night. I asked him again about a picture I had found in his truck a few months ago. The picture is of him and a woman from work (old friend of his). It is not a romantic picture, more of a buddy pic (his arm is around her, looks like they are in a restaurant).<P>When I first found the pic, I asked him about it, he said "for all you know, that pic could have been in there for the last four years" and "I forgot it was there, I never look at it!" He was really, really ticked off that I asked about it. A few weeks later, I checked the truck and the pic was still there. I put one of our anniversary pictures on top of it. Then I decided to "let it go."<P>Well not quite! I seem to be obsessed with the fact that he had that picture still hidden in his truck. And I ruined a good weekend, heck I ruined a good past couple months (for him anyway) and threw us back to "Marriage, Year 1", which is described more fully in the links below.<P>How did I LB this weekend: I asked him why he still had the pic in his truck. Then I asked him if he loved her. UH OH. That was a stupid thing to say. We got into an argument that went on until Sunday morning. The crux of which was, I still don't fully trust him because of the things he did the first year of marriage, and his habit of hiding things, and his evasiveness in answering my questions.<P>Oh yeah, that is a major LB for him!!! He said, WHY do we keep havng to re-live Marriage Year 1. WHY do I have to suffer for stuff your 1st H did, and your old BF, etc. WHY don't you get counseling because you are waaaay more insecure than most women are about this stuff.<P>Just need some words of wisdom, or maybe a shoe up my butt or something. I have been re-reading the MB material online. I do not agree 100% with all of it but am trying to get the big picture and back off. My Taker is going 100 miles an hour right now and has been for the past two months. I need to give it a rest, think about his needs more. I'm afraid to. How do I get my needs for admiration and honesty met when I think my H is hiding something from me???<P>(For a bit of background, my first couple of posts are at: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007160.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007160.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007315.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/007315.html</A> <BR>the situation is pretty much the same at this point in time)<P><BR>[This message has been edited by CinDrLa (edited May 21, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by CinDrLa (edited May 21, 2001).]

CinDrLa - affair or not, you guys have a major trust vs honesty issue that is feeding on itself. IMHO, it sounds like a vicious cycle. Somehow, you have to call a truce or you're going to self-destruct. Please consider joint counseling to air everything out. If your H won't participate, go by yourself and get some advice on how to get him involved.<P>WAT

Thank you for responding WAT, your insight means a lot to me. <P>Not sure though what you mean by calling a truce. ??? H would love for me to never ask about the past again. He has already said he will not discuss the painful past events any longer, it is now officially "my problem." I guess I am the one who needs to concur with him? and if so, then how do I get my questions answered? do my questions matter, or are they, as you put it, contributing to a vicious cycle?<P>I do feel that I need to let go of the past, which calls issues of honesty into question. And honesty is a huge EN for me.<P>BUT - How can I fulfill his EN's w/o sacrificing mine.<P>I know I need counseling. I am looking for an affordable therapist for individual counseling. I cannot imagine us going to joint counseling, I think that would solidify the idea that "we have a problem" in his mind and he does not want to go there.<BR>

In the first years of their marriage my father cheated on my mother in a big way. He even left her and came back a year later, after having been spurned by his lover. My mother took him back but was frustrated that he would never talk about what happened. It was all in the past for him. Then he had some more affairs that ended quickly, and eventually stopped having affairs altogether. However, my mother simmered about all this, and though the marriage was 'getting better' over the years, she never forgave him the fact that he would not talk to her about what all had happened. I guess she felt like her suffering had not been given the credit it deserved. Finally, after seventeen years of marriage, my mother had a stormy affair with a married man which served as a pretext to end her marriage to my father, something she later said she had known all along she needed to do but didn't have the strength to do without something like an affair to speed her on. <P>There are probably a lot of lessons in this story, but one of them surely is that some people really need to analyse the past and make sure that they have been understood and their feelings validated. Otherwise they are going to suffer and undermine the relationship themselves. <P>By the way, my parents are very good friends now, go biking together on the weekends, and generally enjoy each other's company. Neither is a terribly vindictive sort, though like I said, mom can store resentment for years. Dad is still impulsive and has had affairs in his second marriage, and it's obvious that they couldn't have been married successfully for any longer than they were. So friendship is the better option. That could be another lesson.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Futuretense:<BR><B>There are probably a lot of lessons in this story, but one of them surely is that some people really need to analyse the past and make sure that they have been understood and their feelings validated. Otherwise they are going to suffer and undermine the relationship themselves.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My suffering is definitely undermining the relationship. I don't think I would have a revenge affair on my H, but never say never.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>By the way, my parents are very good friends now, go biking together on the weekends, and generally enjoy each other's company. Neither is a terribly vindictive sort, though like I said, mom can store resentment for years. Dad is still impulsive and has had affairs in his second marriage, and it's obvious that they couldn't have been married successfully for any longer than they were. So friendship is the better option. That could be another lesson.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's really nice for them, and for you too I bet!<P>Friendship is way different from marriage, that's true. The two are not really mutually compatible. Being friends with your spouse is a totally different kind of friendship than same-sex or even most opposite-sex friendships.<P>Being a loner introvert, I don't have many friends, never was good at friendships, specialized in instant romantic entanglements instead. I am reaaaaalllly trying to branch out though. I feel intuitively that it will help our marriage, to not be each others' "one and only" for every EN.<P>Thank you for your kind reply!