I have been divorced for about a year. My XH has finally hit rock bottom. I have always been the one person that he has turned to when "the going gets tough". He has been calling me wanting to talk to me about his depression. <P>A very short version of history: XH cheated 7 times in the last 6 years. The first affair lasted 4 years and was both PA and a very EA. The other six were just PA. XH lied to me all the time about where he was, who he was with, etc. XH made me think that I was losing my mind because he was not doing any of the things I accused him of. There was a lot of emotional abuse along the way. Relationship came out when I caught him with OW. Found out about all of the other relationships through OW and mutual friends. XH did not admit to affairs until we had been divorced 4 months and he knew that I knew everything that had happended. His confession was "Everything that you have heard is all true and I am sorry that I treated you so badly." <P>I am caught between a rock and a hard place because I have a relationship with someone else. I guess my dilemna is this:<P>1. Do I help my XH by talking to him during this difficult time? Or is this a situation that he can use to his advantage?<P>2. Do I risk the relationship with the man that I am with in order to be fooled by my XH again if indeed he is not sincere?<P>3. Do cheaters every really change?<P>4. Do you think that cheaters that fail to see their mistakes truly change?<P>It's funny because I have prayed for XH to hit rock bottom so that he can see his self destructive pattern. It finally happens and I hate to see him hurting so badly. Ironic isn't it.<BR>

Why not talk to him, since you have deep feelings of caring for him? I wouldn't risk my relationship for it, so tell your man that the XH is coming to you as a friend now, and since you know all about what his problems are it's appropriate to talk to him. Is that possible?

If you are in a relationship that you are happy in then, no I wouldn't risk it but having an ex in the side wings, taking time/emotions away from your new relationship. It sounds like that you still have VERY STRONG feelings for your ex, so proceed with caution, he COULD be legit or he COULD be playing with your emotions again. Only time will tell.

Oh, I wouldn't have ANYONE in the wings. I just meant that it's fine to start to develop a friendship, which includes emotional support or serious talks, so long as it's open and clear. If the XH hasn't accepted the divorce, that's another story.

gonemad,<P>My boyfriend has a lot of resentment towards my XH because of the way I have been treated since he has known me and from the way I was treated in the past. The man that I am seeing has been to counseling with me and has learned a lot of the pain that I endured over the ten years that I was married. He has been to counseling with me because he is divorced and has baggage as well. We both want to learn how to deal with our baggage so that we can have the tools for dealing with problems in the future. I do not believe that he would be understand me wanting to help my XH deal with his problems. Do you believe that I should just tell my XH that I am not the one that he needs to be talking to?

Hell no! He messed up. You never know whatcha got until its gone. And no I wouldn't go out of my way for him when he treated you like crap. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gonemad:<BR><B>Why not talk to him, since you have deep feelings of caring for him? I wouldn't risk my relationship for it, so tell your man that the XH is coming to you as a friend now, and since you know all about what his problems are it's appropriate to talk to him. Is that possible?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by still_hurting:<BR><B>with his problems. Do you believe that I should just tell my XH that I am not the one that he needs to be talking to?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>SH,<BR>YES, in spades! Suppose things were the other way around, SH. Suppose your boyfriend suddenly came to you and said his ex-lover/spouse/whatever needed his shoulder to cry or lean on? How would YOU feel? I know that if it were me, I'd have a cow!! There is such a thing as setting one's priorities straight. If you are in a relationship with a man, then your attention should be on that man, not someone else. Wow! Just imagine how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot! <P>It is obvious you still have feelings for your XH, and that is quite normal. After all, things like happier times and memories always intrude to muck things up. That's just sentimentality, SH, and you should be looking at the way things are NOW, not back then.<P>Your XH is a big boy, and perhaps what he needs is to face his problems himself, without a crutch (such as you) to lean on. To me, it sounds like he wants to go backwards, where he knew some kind of peace or security. Hey..it takes courage to go forward and face the unknown! <P>You do what you think is best, SH, but since you are asking, I for one am saying "one relationship at a time." Period. Good luck and I'll say some prayers for you..<BR>Hugs,<BR>Winny<BR>

still_hurting,<P>Back off of this and think for a moment. The reason your exH is coming to you is that he has no other friends. He has hit bottom, now why doesn't he have anyone else to confide in?? Because it is very likely he treated his friends in a manner to how he treated you. What about the OW? Well, apparently she is gone too.<P>Has he had any counseling? No! Has he demonstrated that he could be someone you trust or should be around? No! Further,does he know all of your buttons to push? Yes! Do you want to be in the same marriage with him again? You must answer that.<P>Around here there is a very cute but somewhat accurate definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get different results.<P>You should stay away from this man. You are not skilled enough nor detached enough to counsel this man about his depression. Let a professional help him, you cannot.<P>Your current relationship deserves far more respect than to have exH come wandering back into it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL