Would like some advice from anyone with similar experiences. I have had an EA for the past 17 months, and am living separately from my W. I finally got clear to write the affair ending letter, and have posted it to my W for her comments, and have said I will post it to OW with my wife when she's approved it. Right now, however, W totally hates me and insists on a divorce. I think she's going to take this letter and throw it in the trash and tell me it's far too late. We have been married 10 years and have a 3 and a 1 1/2 year old. The affair was a first and only, and I am no longer in the throes of love, and am committed to recovering from this mistake. I am not tempted to carry on with the OW even if my W rejects me, so I'm not worried about my seriousness there, I am sure I can stay the course now. What do you all advise in terms of how to approach my W? I will not harass her by keeping after her after she's made it abundantly clear that she wants nothing to do with me, but at the same time I am sure we could really make something better out of our marriage, which frankly had been unsatisfying for us both for quite a long time. Any ideas? Thanks.

Yes! If you are going to do ,do it.Get to basics read,understand then implment.Then,post,post,post.We will be here to help,this is not always right away but you will get help from thoes of us that can,from our experience.Hang in there it's a long hard road but well worth it. NTK

Welcome <B>name</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Any chance you can "move back in" with your W and kids?<P>Have divorce proceedings started?<P>How much contact do you now have with your kids?....<BR>...her family?<P>Are you willing to humbly apologize to her and her family?...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You have my prayers...<BR>...Wayward Spouses(WSs) like yourself... have a hard time bringing the Faithful Spouses(FSs) around... but stay here and ask away.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Thanks, Jim. My name is Alexander. I see my kids on the weekends, and that's a pretty stable arrangement. There is no chance I can move back in. And yes, I would humbly apologise. Apologising is the one thing I haven't done a lot of in the past, but everything else--I lied about ending the affair a few times, though they weren't meant to be lies. I actually did end the affair, but then got weak when she contacted me, and so on. So to my wife it looks like I will say anything to manipulate her into staying with me but won't actually kill off the affair. And I don't blame her for thinking that. The only reason it's not been so hard now is that after over a year it probably has taken its natural course, so I don't congratulate myself for anything.<BR>I've spent the better part of the last half year so torn by guilt and desire, though, that however lousy it sounds I just can't wallow in the guilt anymore. The process of breaking the affair really begun months ago, and I've finally, belatedly, reached the end point, and I want to focus as hard as I can on the future. Eventually I know I'll face the guilt again, but I want to do that with my wife. So yes, I can apologise, I know how low-down I've been, I have nothing to defend and so little ego left there's nothing I can't hear about myself. The problem at the moment is that my wife ONLY sees the lousy side of me, what I have been showing her through my lies this past year. Do you know of cases where a BS absolutely made up their minds to turn their back on the WS, and with goodwill and love the WS eventually found a way to make themselves less loathsome enough to the spouse so that some possibility for recovery emerged?

Hi Futuretense, I applaud you your willingness to recover and restore your marriage. Remain positive and persistent. As a BS, you feel anger, hurt and insecurity that is unimaginable. You have to convince her of your ability to stay away from the wayward path. If you want it badly enough, persevere religiously and she will come around. Out of curiousity, did you feel that you loved the OW. What turned you around and back to your W?