ok...i'm new here and here is my story.<BR>My H and I have been together for 14 years...married 10 of them. We have 3 beautiful daughters together. I'm 29 this year and him 30.<BR>My sister caught my H at work kissing this OW....and forced him to tell me.<BR>He said he had no feelings for her and we both agreed to work it all out.<BR>I was told he called it off with this other woman and he went so far as to volunteer to go to a different shift to prove it. By the way.....my H was her boss.<BR>I found out 2 weeks later when her H called me that it wasn't over....have talked to the OW on the phone on several occasions.<BR>That night H was supposed to go for a drive alone and ended up calling her and asking her to meet him.....he then came home...6 hours later and said he was leaving.....but not for her. He stayed with his parents....who did not approve at all. To the point that she was not allowed to call their house after the 3rd day....she called 20 times in 4 hours one day. The whole time he was so cold to me....not looking at me when he came to see the kids...and not talking to me unless I said something first. He saw her this whole time....and completely avoided me at all costs.<BR>When he would come and see the kids he would cry like a baby when he left...not being able to keep it in.<BR>One night I couldn't take it anymore and had to go talk to him.....he called off a dinner date with her to talk to me.<BR>After talking with him for a while he started crying saying that he loved me and this OW equally and was confused.<BR>I put everything I wanted to the side because I couldn't stand to see him this way.....all the time wanting him to come home and him knowing it.<BR>I actually helped him try to make a decision....to no avail.<BR>We spend a Sunday at his parents house so he could see the girls and when we went to leave.....he cried uncontrolably.<BR>2 hours later.....he came knocking on our door and asked me to step outside. It was like it was out of a movie.....he looked at me and said....if I can...I want to come home. I shook my head yes and he grabbed me and gave me the tightest hug and said....I can't live without you guys another day longer. He calls her immediately and asks to see her......they meet....he tells me where and exactly how long he will be gone.....the deed is done...it's over.<BR>Well.....1 month later....her H calls and asks me if I know that they are still messing around.....of course I don't.<BR>All this time he's telling me he loves me and only me...his feelings for her are gone and that I have nothing to worry about.<BR>He goes for another drive that night........and ends up at a Hotel with her. Comes back the next morning and tells me that he only came back the first time to make everyone happy...and says he's leaving again because he can't promise to be faithfull. This time he ends up staying with her in hotels or by himself in one.<BR>5 days later....his parents have had enough of him and his lies....they give him an ultimatum....her or them.<BR>It puts him in suicide mode......he takes off walking...and where does he end up.....here. We just happened to be here when we weren't supposed to be.<BR>I ask him why he's here...and he says to see the girls one last time.....yet he makes no move to see them. He never stepped foot in the house....and he knew if I knew he was out there..that I would go to him.<BR>I call his father....his father comes over....says he sorry and they leave to have a talk.<BR>One hour later......they are back....and hubby says....all I can think of is that it was something new......and if you will let me...I want to come home.<BR>I did......on the grounds that from now on...leaving is not an option.....she has to be out of the picture....and that he HAD to be faithfull......he agreed.<BR>Ok...it's been 5 weeks now....and I'm no better off now than when he was gone.<BR>I was there this time....over the phone...when he called it off....and she immediately went to work and asked for a shift change.....and her husband is now living with her.<BR>BUT.....my H has since told me that his in love feelings aren't there.....he knows they are there....but he can't figure out how to let them back out. Have been convinced that he has nothing to do with the OW at work...as people see then purposely avoiding each other. <BR>BUT......I get no affection at all now.....nothing for reasurrence. He says he's trying and doing what he feels comfortable doing right now....and that his in love feelings have grown a little.....but they are at a stand still now and I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.<BR>I want my marriage to work more than anything.....and love my H with everything that I have......but I feel like I'm the only one trying.<BR>

Just to put a little clarification on this.<BR>When my H left this last time....he did ask for a divorce and went to the point of telling me that even if it didn't work out with this OW..that he would not come back to me.<BR>Yet....he would call and ask me how I was and we would talk for hours on the phone...and he repeatedly told me I was his best friend.<BR>And as for the marriage before this happened.....I realize my part. I pushed him away affectionately for the last 5 years.....and pretty much took him for granted....something I am making sure I don't do now.....but am not getting a response from him affectionately.<BR>Almost like the tables have been turned.<BR>He refuses to go to marriage counseling......he says if he can't help himself...nobody can.<BR>I'm at a loss as to what to do next....I've exhausted myself trying here.

H is definitely in withdrawal mode. It didn't help that his parent's forced him to chose at a time when he still wasn't thinking clearly and came home to you when he still wasn't emotionally ready. But now that he is home it is to your advantage. You must start a Plan A NOW! Read everything here and you will see how it works. Good Luck!

Welcome Miss Priss!<P>You have come to a great place! Go to the Just Found Out forum and look for the General Welcome Post.<P>Read All you can at this site. Especially start with Plan A.<P>Read and post. Read and post. Read and post. Finally pray. Let God lead you where He wants you to be.<P>Your story sounds like mine except that I have sons and my H has not shown remorse. He has not left the house but, he still sees and talks to OW. He still tells me he doesn't want me or our marriage.<P>We are all searching for answers and guidance. Hang in there .<P>------------------<BR>See each day as a new beginning!<P>Cali

His parents both took back their ultimatum that day....when they saw what it did to him.<BR>His father told him that if he wanted to be with this OW that it was his decision...but that they would never accept her because of the situation...but that they would love him and be there for HIM.<BR>His father gave him his options....common sense options......be with this OW.....stay with them...or go home. He says that they in no way influenced his decision this time like they did last time.<BR>He is a walking contradiction though.....I don't think he knows much himself.

Miss Priss~<P>Hello and welcome to MB.<P>Your story could have been mine 15 months ago. Everything except my husband never left. He said the same things your husband has said. <P>Please give him time and space and don't push him, because that will only slow up your recovery. <P>Here is a short verion of my story. <P>I received a phone from the OW husband and was told about my husband affair. My husband decided that he wanted to try and make the marriage work. OK so for the next six months I was Plan "A"ing and improving myself little or no improvement from my husband. It was so difficult to do, because they restarted the affair. The second d-day I found them together at our home <P>He also said that he only stay out of guilt. Now since the second d-day (9 months ago), things really have changed for the better. Withdrawal is so hard on the BS because you watch your spouse love and care for someone else. But as the pain and withdrawal ends your husband will start to regain his love for you. My husband actually said it was never gone just clouded by othyer things in the way, meaning the OW. Just recently he said he thought it was love and it probably was lust. <P>My needs weren't getting met during withdrawal. But now he is very concerned about me I am spoiled. It can and does happen, the love can return!!!!<P>One more thing my husband also said that if he couldn't help himself noone could. Well I got help, but he never did. Men can be stubborn (Sorry guys). If possible go by yourself. <P>If I can help you, please let me know. I can email if you wish. I can tell you what helped or hurt us as we recovered. We still are recovering but we are moving forward.<P>Judy<P>

Judy<P>Thanks for the offer of help.<BR>I think the problem that we are having now other than the withdrawl......is that I am wanting to talk too much.<BR>Not talking about the past....the A or the leaving.....but the way he ISN'T with me now. That's one of my downfalls.<BR>Another problem for me is that the OW is still in the picture somewhat....at my H's workplace...though not on the same shift anymore...and she is back with her husband also.<BR>I can't ask my H to leave his job....there aren't enough other jobs around here available....and he's worked hard to get where is in his present job....and he likes his job....maybe a little too much. Not because of her....but because he's finally found somewhere that he can actually move up.<BR>My H's boss who is a very good friend of mine tells me that they avoid each other in the 2 hours that their shifts overlap.....though my H has had to help her on a machine...he tells her what needs done and goes about his business. It was agreed between the both of us that if she required help she would go to his boss or one of the other team members.....if they were available.<BR>My H swears that it is not a temptation for him because of things he found out about her after he ended it this last time made him realize what she was.<BR>My H was the 3rd guy she had tried to get to there....asking the one before my H to leave his wife also. He found this out AFTER he broke it off this last time.<P>This woman left her 2 small children when she left her husband....one 3 and the other not even 1 yet and never showed one ounce of emotion about not being able to be with them. She would constantly call her H on her breaks and lunch...while with my H. I had several occasions where I actually listened in on conversations that she had with her husband.....which I'm glad I did....I found out some very intersting information. This woman is very manipulative.<BR>She played on H's emotions....telling him that her H beat her....something my H is very much against. I heard a conversation one day where she admitted to telling my H that and it not being true. I knew this was true of course before I heard it....because when my H called it off the first time she immediately went back to him. I know of no woman that would get up the courage to leave a man that beats her and then willingly go back to him....let alone leave her small children with him when she went. I know I wouldn't. I had to throw this in so you could see what kind of woman he was dealing with. Everyone saw her for what she was except for him....until she called and he told her it was over.....not one ounce of emotion from her....like it didn't matter to her....which hurt my H...I could tell. He said that he felt bad for drawing her in...getting her to love him and then wanting to break it off....and then she blows it off like....oh well....no big deal. That would hurt me too.<BR>To make all this worse.....our 10 year old daughter knows everything and this last time that my H left she was very suicidal right before he came home....and now has a great fear of him leaving again...I have to admit...I do too. Our other daughters....4 and 3 really don't know what's going on....they just know that they are extremely happy now that he's home.....and confused as to why thier father keeps leaving for periods of time.<BR>I'm very determined to make this work.....I've taken every emotion that I have and turned it into determination from the beginning. He says that he wants to make this work badly too....and in ways I am seeing that....but I guess my expectations overrule my common sense sometimes.<BR>I've been at the point I'm at right now for about 3 weeks.<BR>Confusion.....sadness....frustration....but of my own making for expecting too much.<P><BR>

Oh......Judy I would love to be able to hear more about your situation....sounds very similar to mine.

Miss Priss~<P>It sounds like you are on the right track now. Just a warning even though it seems that she didn't care much when he broke it off, he still has feelings for her. That is why his feelings for your aren't where you want them to be right now for you. Having your husband care for someone while married to you is the pits. But he will get through withdrawal.<P>Expecting too much right now and not getting it really hurts I know this too well. Also since they work at the same place but not together withdrawal can be harder. Just seeing her can remind him of what he did to you and your children and guilt is a big thing for the WS to deal with.<BR>I know that whenever my husband would see her and it still hurt him while he was going through withdrawal. (I was lucky she quit her job by her husbands demand).<P>It is good you have someone to help you keep an eye on him while he is at work. It is like a check system. I agree that she lied about the abuse she was receiving at home. It seems that the OP will overstate things to make them look better in the eyes of the WS, but so does the WS to justify the affair. Once the fog has lifted for them and they see what is real it can be very hard on them for not seeing the truth earlier.<P>It seems he is remorseful and really trying to do much better. It is sad about your 10 year old daughter. That is another thing your husbands guilt that will be hard on him for a long time too. This does effect children even if they don't understand what happened as your youngest children.<P>Remember to have fun with your husband, just the two of you. Just to know my husband really loves me again and is still growing all the time, it is a peace within myself and I feel you will have this to.<P>Keep your chin up,<P>Judy<BR>