It was pointed out to me.. after my A.. and after I "discovered" what was causing my depression.. (mostly by family), that my H was selfish.. and I refused to see it. He planned a camping trip with friends a few months ago.. they're leaving Wednesday to be sure to get a campsite. (Memorial Weekend) Myself and the other wives are joining them Friday (this is about seven hours away).. My daughter's piano teacher set her recital for Thursday night (about three weeks ago).. he's going on to the mountains anyway, and is going to miss the recital. Any thoughts?

Not enough information. But there are really the two separate issues involved, based on your other postings. One is the A, which is your fault for taking the actions. But the other is the marriage in general, and perhaps here the issue of fault and causality is murkier. It is always tempting to be self-serving and say things like, I had an A because my spouse is such and so. In many cases that's just bs. But perhaps you were vulnerable to an affair because in addition to EN not being met your H really is unusually selfish and unsuited for you. Or perhaps the question of vulnerability to the affair isn't really relevant at all as this issue arises in a different context. <P>I have been in a similar situation, though I could not accuse my wife of being selfish. Rather, she is very sharp in her words, rather crude on many occassions, arrogant (especially with my mother of all people), complaining, and often emotionally cold. Had I not had an affair which tore her up and has jeopardized our family I could have dealt with those issues one by one, and perhaps I would eventually have concluded that I wanted a divorce. And I would also then have had to deal with the fact that I too am arrogant, have been a graceless lover, driven by anxiety and often ill-tempered, etc. Again, the divorce makes it sooo much harder to deal with these things and to separate them from the affair and the problems it created. In part because now pretty much everything can be blamed on me and the affair, and for some time, if we make it out of the woods at all, I expect that to be the case. But there does come a point when you have to get past it and see things for what they are and not through the lens of the affair.

Yes, it is selfish of him to miss his daughter's recital for a camping trip. Yes, it was selfish of you to go outside your marriage and turn to another man. There are degree's of selishness and once again it sounds like you are trying to JUSTIFY your affair by finding fault with your husband. What does him not attending the recital have to do with you making your marriage work, are you still feeling resentful towards your H? Have you communicated to him that you would like him to attend your daughter's recital?

I'm not relating the question to the affair.. it's just an "issue" that has always been there before.. he would go work out in the mornings that he was off instead of do something with the kids, etc... he's better about that, but this came up and someone said it was selfish.. putting himself before the kids again.. I just wondered what other opinions might be.

Leighann,<P>I disagree that your H is selfish with regard to the recital. First, the teacher setting a recital date this late is at best thought less. Second, the camping trip that includes the whole family and OTHER families was set some time before. His decision to continue to go may have been based on obligations he feels for the success of this whole outing. YOu have not delineated what his responsibilities are in regard to this outing.<P>Frankly, My W and I are constantly in this decision process because of the heavy scheduling of our children and we have adopted the attitude if someone schedules late, then tough, the child doesn't go. However, in this case the child will be there and so will you, no problem. Go to your D's recital and enjoy it. Take a tape recorder or a camcorder and record her performance. Your H can watch it with her and give the appropriate responses then.<P>You D will get to perform. You will be there to see it. And your H can see it with her later. Further, whatever obligations your H has to this group camping trip will be met. I see wins all around.<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

No he is not. His plans were made months in advance. Your daughter can have a wonderful recital with one enthusiastic parent in the audience. Particulary if you tape it to show Daddy. Maybe Daddy can help her pick out the clothes she will wear, take her shopping for a new dress of shoes if appropriate.<P>We attend children's programs/parent-teacher conferences/back to school nights/soccer games etc. together when we can, separately when we can't. We always make sure the other parent is involved even if long distance. Our kids are quite used to it and equally attached to both parents. <P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Leighann:<BR><B>It was pointed out to me.. after my A.. and after I "discovered" what was causing my depression.. (mostly by family), that my H was selfish.. and I refused to see it. He planned a camping trip with friends a few months ago.. they're leaving Wednesday to be sure to get a campsite. (Memorial Weekend) Myself and the other wives are joining them Friday (this is about seven hours away).. My daughter's piano teacher set her recital for Thursday night (about three weeks ago).. he's going on to the mountains anyway, and is going to miss the recital. Any thoughts?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Sorry Leighann,<BR>I tend to agree with the he is not selfish crowd. I also somewhat agree with the guilt from the A and trying to find fault with hubby...ONLY because it sounds like me a tiny bit during the A. I am trying to change. I try to be more understanding. How your daughter precieves this is up to you. You can cut him to shreds for choosing friends over her or you can uplift him by saying he has given his word and must honor it even though he must miss the recital of his beloved daughter. Even if it is a selfish act as his wife you can see to it your children think him a saint. It's all up to you Leighann.