I'm again feeling depressed. I realize that I have to combat the depression myself and that no therapist or drugs will do it for me. I spend all my time with him now, which is great don't get me wrong, but I need some time for me. If I tell him I want to stay at my folks he says what's wrong. I mentioned about going to AZ to visit my girlfriend and her husband. He said if I went he would think I am seeing another man. I do everything I can to try to ease his mind and build his trust, but as he puts it, after what has happened of course he's going to think that everything I do is really about another man.<P>I no longer interview after work, because of this. I have to jam it in during lunch. Meds and therpists are a waste of money and they will reprogram me (my interpreatation). I can't go out or be alone for fear of retribution from him.<P>I want to spend some time alone, but I'm afraid to bring it up. He'll think I'm up to something. Even staying at my folks house will spark suspicion. Heaven forbid I go to the mall alone.<P>For those you you that have been betrayed, help me out here. I have been bordering on a nervous breakdown for a number of weeks. Fighting it the best I can. I'm getting tired again.<P>What am I supposed to do?<P>------------------<BR>What does not kill you will only make you stronger.

It sound like time alone is a need you have. Eventually you will feel so smothered that something has to give. I would sit down with him and let him know how you really feel about this.

I know that it should be that easy, but is it really worth it if while we are apart he's thinking I'm out screwing somebody else?<P>------------------<BR>What does not kill you will only make you stronger.

He sounds very insecure. Maybe with time, he will learn to trust again. How long has it been? Is he 100% committed to the marriage? Maybe he needs some therapy.

Unfortunately, I know how your H is feeling. I get upset if my H even suggests doing anything without me. It is insecurity, and I hate it. I never used to be this way. Now I wonder if he is feeling smothered like you are. My H hasn't said anything about it, so I have no way of knowing. Maybe it's time to sit down and have a talk with H. Let him know how you are feeling and ask him what you need to do to make him feel more secure while you are apart.

Thanks betrayed ( and Janie too) insecurity is this issue but as you said he (you) was never that way. Thinking more about it I recently made a poor judgement call, ruining the new level of trust he had for me. I guess I'll just have to suck it up for a while until I bring that level back up again.

tornapart:<P>I think you should reevaluate your position on medication. It sounds like you need it.<P>If you had cancer, would you treat it? When your car needs gas, do you fill up the tank?<P>It's the same with depression. Just because it's not a tumor you can feel, or a needle on "E" that you can see, doesn't mean that it's not a real medical condition that shouldn't been taken seriously.<P>Please see a doctor.

Tornapart,<P>I am betrayed, so here is my situation.<P>I am very comfortable letting h have his alone time at home. I do not need to be by his side all the time. <P>Have you both tried doing separate things in the same space? Do you have that comfortableness quality in your relationship?<P>Many times I will go with my husband on an out of town trip. I am basically alone except for the drive and the sleeping. I bring things that I enjoy with me like books, bicycles, blankets for the beach, good walking shoes, bathing suit for the pool, money for the restaurants and exhibits, coloring books for our son, etc.<P>Can your SO entertain himself while being with you? It helps my husband from feeling smothered, but lets me feel secure becaue I KNOW what he is doing.<P>

TNT,<BR>we do that now. Usually in the evening he'll be doing some work and I'll watch TV or read. He never let me go to bed before him (haven't quite figured that one out?)<P>I know that when I am feeling sad and blue I should talk to him, but sometimes I don't want to because all I get is 'chill' he can make me feel stupid or guilty about they way I feel. Amazing, huh?<P>Like I said, I guess I'll just have to stick it out until I earn back some more of his trust.

I understand how you feel about taking medicine and seeing a therapist. I felt the same way when I was first told I was depressed. But I can tell you, it is worth it. The medicine and dr. don't reprogram you. They just help you learn to deal with things. Please think about seeing someone. I think it may help. <BR>Give your H time. Maybe try taking small time to yourself. Maybe you could lock yourself in the bathroom for a couple of hours and take care of yourself (hot bath, paint your nails, etc.).<P>------------------<BR>You are in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>* Viki

I have to laugh at myself right now. For over a year all I wanted was for us to go on vacation, now all I seem to want is to be alone. Do I really even know what I want.<P>I think that is what I really need to do. Figure out what I really want.

Could going on vacation really be a coping mechanism - sort of like running away from all this overwhelming stress?<P>And it has really nothing to do with your relationship with SO?<P>Have you wondered why some people pick themselves up, and dust themselves off and try try again?<P>Perhaps you've learned the phrase "learned helplessness" - that is where no matter what you do you still get the same effect, so you need to quit. There is a book that talks about overcoming - and some things that we can re-learn so we can be one of those success stories. It really has nothing to do with the half full glass theory (popular optimism) - but about something different - a way to view situations that can change your reaction and outcome. The book is titled "Learned Optimism". It's tough reading, but definitely a keeper.

So you think I'm trying to give up. I wouldn't be surprise. I'm used to immediate gratification (for lack of a better word). If something is taking too long I'll move onto something else.<P>Do you have the ISBN # for that? Or maybe the author?<P>Thanks again

I don't know if you want to give up, but the constant depression is a symptom of learned helplessness, possibly?<P>The book name is Learned Optimism<P>The author is Martin E.P. Seligman, Ph.D.<P>Learned Optimisn shows you how to:<BR>*Recognize your "explanatory style"-what you say to yourself when you experience setbacks-and how it influences your life.<P>*Boost your mood-and yur immune system-with healthful thoughts<P>*Help your children by practicing the patterns of thought that encourage optimism at an early age-at home<P>*Stick to your diet or resolve a difficult business deal: break the "I-give-up" habit with Dr. Seligman's ABC techniques<P>*Change your interior dialogue and experience the astonishing positive results.<P>"Learned Optimism" ...offer(s) a program that anyone can use to conquer depression...." - Kirkus Reviews<P>ISBN 0-671-74158-6<BR>