BS's, just wondering how many WS's changed in their behavior/treatment toward their children or step-children during their A. <P>WS's, if you can help with insight/personal experience on this, please respond.<BR>

Yes - he couldn't stand to be with around them at all, very snappy and impatient and a lot of 'sighing' and 'rolling of the eyes' whenever I went to sort them out. It was as though he wanted my attention all the while. Then, he isolated himself from both me and the children - walking a few yards in front of us whenever we were out, going in separate cars to places, not talking to any of us when we went out to dinner together - then leaving the restaurant as soon as he had finished.

Well, it was enough for our 6 year old to ask why his dad use to be a 'good dad' and now decided to be a bad one. Also our son prayed almost every night for God to help his dad get better so he could come home. <P>Hm..... those little ears and eyes are always watching. <P>L.

Much of what paintbox said....<BR>Missed a lot of school and sport things. Had to coaxed into to coming to the few he did attend. He didn't sit near me or talk to me. Mind you...I didn't know about the A at that point.

CinDrLa,<P>This is one I can answer. My exH has continued to ignore the kids not only through the entire affair, but also is continuing since the divorce. He totally disengaged himnself from family and has let 2 Christmases pass without a word form him. No call or gifts to them. Last year, he mailed each son a card with $20 for their BD. This year, he has even missed the BDs! I guess the affair and his subsequent marriage to the OW has him too busy to acknowledge the boys' existence. He can never appreciate how much he has hurt them and how abandoned they feel. Thank God they are college-aged and have a little more understanding than very young kids.<P>My middle S said, "One day in a few years he will just up and call me. That is what I expect - not to hear from him for years. Then out of the blue he will probably call me and expect us to pick up where we left off and be great friends."<P>Kind of a sad prediction, but probably true, too.<P>Take care, Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

My H was very distant from the kids as well. However, since our separation, he's actually become a much better daddy! I am truly impressed. Although the time he now spends with the kids should have (and easily could have) been done before the separation, I'm just thankful that they aren't being neglected by him. <P>So in an odd sense, the kids seem to be benefitting from this whole mess. At least no matter what the final outcome is, it looks as though the kids won't be affected as much as others are.<P>Karen

I really thought my H was a good dad. He is a good dad compared to many that I see. Now that we have had time to reflect we have realized that he wasn't in tune with our family at all. The kids were neglected especially our son who is more like me personality wise. Acknowledging this and seeing my H dedicate himself to his relationship with the kids in a new and involved way has been one of the benefits of discovery.

My H acted exactly like Paintbox described too...snappy, impatient, angry, never in tune with our daughter's needs! Actually, his betrayal of my daughter's future is what I find the most difficult to surpass during this Plan A mode. His betrayal of me I can survive and possibly, one day forgive, but my daughter is definitely another issue. However, I have seen some slight changes since d-day which is a good thing.

My XH (father of my D) was a horrible dad during his A, which probably started while we were still married but definitely shortly after we separated. He was awful to her even before I had proof of the A. He once said to me in front of her, "YOU were the one who wanted her, not me. I wanted you to have an abortion. You're always trying to tie me down."<P>After one argument, our D (she was 4 at the time) ran up to him and said, daddy, I hope you fall down the stairs when you leave here, and hurt yourself. He started crying and came back to talk to her.<P>During the A, when he was living with OW and her two girls, he let OW handle all communications between him and me, which ended disastrously, because she was extremely jealous and unreasonable. When D was staying at their home, they would play all kinds of games, like not being home when I came at the scheduled time to pick her up, or letting OW be rude to me in front of my D.<P>XH disappeared with no notice for a year in 1997-98 after some personal crises - zero contact with our D or I during that time, didn't know if he was alive or dead. Then resurfaced like nothing had happened (had been living in Mexico).<P>He is a much better dad now, 8 years later...has a very nice wife and 2 kids with her.

Aside from moving out and causing our son a lot of stress, my wife has not changed her relationship with our son. She does try a little one-up-mans-ship with me which <son> eats up. Of course, she holds it against me that she has less time with him because she had no choice in separating. <P>WAT

H had been over protective of D since she was born (often to an extreme). During A (before I knew of A), he wasn't spending much time with D (guess why). One evening before Christmas, when he was going shopping once again by himself, I insisted and so did D that she go with him. He was very reluctant, but took her. A friend of mine saw D sitting by herself in a store, she asked D (by the way, D was 7 y.o.) where we were, D told her "she was there with her dad and he'd left her there and told her to wait for him." Well, my friend was concerned about her being by herself, so she stayed there with her until he returned several minutes later. Friend said he didn't speak to her just grabbed D and said let's go. Yeah, this and many other things began making sense soon thereafter.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Orchid:<BR><B>Well, it was enough for our 6 year old to ask why his dad use to be a 'good dad' and now decided to be a bad one. Also our son prayed almost every night for God to help his dad get better so he could come home. <P>Hm..... those little ears and eyes are always watching. <P>L.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>i am so saddened by this post, my boys are so much better off now then in the past. one thing that kept me motivated through all this was that i was committed no matter the outcome between my wife and i that my sons would know their father and that i would be with them no matter what.<P>i didnt know my father, and my step-father well lets just say children should never have to know such things in their lives.<P>ya know i get why adults cant get along, ill never get how a parent can be seperate from their children <P><P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz