Hi gang,<P>I've been out of town for a couple of days (father is ill), and have been catching up with the posts. I noticed a few of you who were drafting letters to the WS (Plan B's or otherwise). <P>If your WS is living out of the house and is still with the OP, please know that whatever you give to them in writing - either by email or snailmail or even on voicemail - might (and will most likely be) shared with the OP by your WS!!! *Especially* if your WS is still in the Fog and thinks that the OP is the best thing since packaged tofu.<P>This is what happened to me. At some point during H's EMR, I found out that he was forwarding all of my email to him to the XOW. God, that was a big LB! Not to mention that it was a big breach of what I thought was private correspondence between my H and I. To this day, I am very careful about what I put down on paper or in email to him. While I feel that he is not forwarding any of my correspondence *now*, the tendency for him to do that is there. I don't know what he will "keep" to use against me, if he decides to have another EMR again. Or should the wack-o XOW resurface in our lives at a later date.<P>I know that you have several things to say about the EMR and the OP. Just be careful of how you say them. Don't give the WS and the OP anything more that will bond them together as a "strike force" of two against one, because once they get into the "strength in numbers" game, things slide downhill.<P>If you are writing a Plan B letter, please, please, please - don't LB. Don't give the WS anything to hold over you or to show the OP so that he/she can say, "Look at this! Now do you BLAME me for being with you?" Sometimes your total honesty will get you more than what you bargained for. In my Plan B letter, I wrote my H quite honestly. I also wrote in the letter that I realized that there was a good chance that he would be sharing this very private correspondence with the XOW, and that it hurt me to know that my last words to him were to "them," and not to just my H. If she *did* read that, hopefully she got some insight into just how sh*tty it was for him to be showing her the letter. But maybe not - she was pretty obsessed with our marriage from the get-go. Odd woman. Not really right. I found that out too late.<P>Please. Choose your words and sentiments carefully so that there can be no "fingerpointing" construed on the WS's part. Honesty, but at a distance.<P>Just my two cents.<P>belldandy

You should send the OP a copy of the Plan B letter anyway. This lets them know you are not just giving up on the marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

That is very true. I did not need to send the OW a copy of my Plan B letter - in this case, email, since I didn't know where the two of them were living exactly at the time - because I knew that H would forward whatever i wrote to him anyway. At least, if it involved her. <P>But any other correspondence prior to that is also fair game. If the WS does indeed believe that the OP is their "soulmate," you can bet that Mr./Ms. Soulmate is going to get every last detail of the communication that goes on between H and W. Is this fair? No - particularly when it should only be between the couple. But it's highly likely that it will happen.<P>belld

Hi Belldandy,<P>Good observation. Didn't really think about that. Oh well, I did it anyway. Gave the plan B info in writing and verbally. <P>You know what? OPs have plan a and b's of their own. The rules are not as clear but they sure try to imitate our actions. <P>Because they don't have as strong of a support as we do here, they (OPs) often fail at their plan a or b. But give them credit for trying. After all they are trying to be everything else in their fantasy world. <P>L.

Sometimes we might be surprised by who reads our e-mail. For a period of 2 wks I could get into H's e-mail. During that time the OW started copying my H in all her e-mail to & from her X; then her X's new W or SO started copying my H to all e-mail sent by her to OW. Talk about immature brats. The funny thing none of them know I read this information. Some of it may prove to be very useful to me down the road.<P> Wish I could still get in, as it was providing me great entertainment.

I think a lot of the sharing of email/voicemail/letters from W to the OW has to do with the H feeding his own ego (sorry guys). They want to show OW how they are still wanted/loved by the W as a way to make OW continue to do whatever it takes, emotionally and/or sexually to make H stay with her and not be tempted to go back to W. Basically, it is done as a "See, W will take me back at the drop of a hat, so you(OW) better continue to act right"! JMO

I, too, felt betrayed and "mocked" by H forwarding my private emails to him to he OW. In the long run it backfired on him. Once I realized that she was privvy to the info, I simply worded things more carefully. He stopped sharing them because they no longer protrayed me as needy, but him as less than perfect. She then felt guilt and began to realize that she was acting on facts from only one side of the relationship. She realized she had fallen for some of the oldest lines in the book. She recognized my attempts to be reasonable and genuine to rebuild a relationshipo with H. She has apologized to me and my family and wants to help show H the error of his ways. This may never happen, but perhaps considering that H was incredibly manipulative obsessive and influential in convincing the OW to go outside her normal morals is something many of you haven't considered. Her saying YES was wrong, but I truly believe the fault mostly lies with H. The OW is a nice, bright caring woman who made a horrendous mistake in judgement. She is no longer my concern. I spend little time even considering her anymore. My time is spent where it should be, working on H. May you all be able to get to that place. It seems so much less daunting than having to deal with the lies from both of them. My prayers to all of you for strength, guidance and a few minutes of peace each day as you work through your problems.