Hello All,<P>I have been spending an inordinate amount of time on these boards and thought I should give an update. I am a long time lurker but very few posts.<P>My H of 18 years had an EA then PA that lasted 6 months last year. We are in the 8th month of recovery and the roller coaster continues. About 3 weeks ago I asked my H a question about his affair I should not have asked which led to much heartache for me and a few slaps to the face by my H to me when he could not stand my tears anymore. It was a horrible scene from which I have not recovered. <P>Anyway, yesterday I celebrated my 40th birthday. My H is laid up in bed with a possible herniated disc on his spine. I had to take him to the ER Saturday night and they pumped him full of steroids and demarol. He is almost totally bedridden and is dependent on me for everything.<P>Needless to say, my birthday was a bust. No card, no nothing from H. I understand he is in pain and laid up but the moments he was awake he did not acknowledge my birthday at all. I have taken time off from work to take care of his needs and give him his medicine. I have been gentle, kind, loving and giving. <P>I was contemplating if the roles were reversed and it was me laid up and in pain would he be there for me. I am not sure. I always have to be upbeat and happy for my H to spend anytime with me. When I withdraw and get sad, he mimics my moods.<P>I am now 40 and am not sure whether our marriage will survive. I have three wonderful kids, a good job, lots of friends so I have a lot to be thankful for. I just want this endless tape that is playing in my head to stop. I want some peace and happiness and not this constant ache that there is so much wrong in my married life. I am going to see my doctor today and I think I will start on anti-depressants again. <P>I am hoping my H is taking this time contemplating what having a family means. Who would be taking care of him if we were divorced right now. I am sure OW would be long gone even though he still thinks of her as one of the kindest, most generous people he has ever met. Whatever!<P>Just my vent for today. Hopefully, everyone else is having a better day.<P>NoMoh<BR> <BR>

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))<P>Go and buy yourself the biggest birthday cake you can find in the store and have a pig-out! (I've bought my own birthday cakes for years now, my husband always forgets - even before the A!). Wish I could cheer you up,<BR>love Paint

Happy Birthday!!! NOMO!!!!<P>Make an appointment at the salon, and get a new do. <BR>THE WORKS, if you can!<P>Pamper yourself, you deserve it!!!!

So sorry your Bday was such a bust. I turned 40 when I was about 8 months into recovery, too. It was a very very hard year...not so much my age...but just slogging through recovery.<P>It sounds as though your H is abusing you if you literally meant he slapped you. Please don't take that kind of treatment!<P>I no longer think my SF issues are directly related to the affair. But it sounds like you both have a long way to go in recovery right now.<P>I can tell you my friends here on GQ actually saved my sanity a couple of years ago. You can find great support here. Maybe you should lurk less and post more! Take care!

Where is the Card Faerie when you need her?! <P>Happy Birthday to You, NoMo!<P>I know that b-days stink right now, especially those "milestone markers", but you are right to remember the other things in your life that are GREAT--<B>including YOU!</B><P>Take care of yourself, NoMo! And treat yourself to something you want.<P>All the best.<BR>--HBC

NOMO,<BR>I'm 41, realized this last birthday that I had no memory of my 40--we were in about the 3rd week of our 7th separation...finally I remembered that my sister with her family & my folks had come out for the weekend. H had joined us at least for the evening of my Bday, but other than a half gallon joke gift of Mad Dog 20/20 I still don't remember a whole lot--and I didn't drink the mad dog! (an explanation for those who didn't have a misspent youth--its a horrible, cheap, high alcohol wine/liquor that my H & I used to drink in college). I suppose if I read my last year's posting I could find out what happened, but I don't want to refresh any bad memories--even to seek out good ones.<P>I'm finding 40 & 41 to be better than 38 & 39. I look better and am in better shape than I was in my mid-30s, a few more crow's feet and a frown line that wasn't so deep before.<P>It's simplistic, but you would have turned 40 this year anyway. Your H is sick, and maybe would have been thoughtless regardless, true, it would have been very nice if he at least said the words, but he didn't...now you choose your response and attitude. When he's feeling better, you can gently remind with "Hey, since you were bedridden on my birthday, what night should we go out to belatedly celebrate?"<P>Now, on the dark side:<BR>Slapping--not good, but you know that. You were in the situation, you know if he was trying to make you "snap out of it" Hollywood style or if the tension and stress between you is leading to an escalation of violence. Be careful either way and set boundaries because he chose his response unwisely. He has no right to hit you, especially if you were just crying and not screaming or something. Not everyone knows what to do when faced with someone shrieking uncontrollably... and only you know how that situation went.<P>If you are not seeing a counselor, I'd recommend it, if you are, talk to the C about anger & stress management for both of you.<P>Take care and HAPPY BIRTHDAY...40 really is ok

Thanks for all the wonderful advice Paintbox, Erebus, HBC, FHL and Lor(Lor). I know I have a lot to be thankful for and I do thank God for all of the wonderful support of friends, family and this board. I feel so much empathy for everyone here at this site - that is why I spend so much time reading and learning.<P>I do look better at 40 than I did during my 30's. Due to the infidelity diet I have lost 40lbs, went from a size 12-14 to now a size 4-6. I feel so much more confident about my looks and I am wearing clothes that are sexier. I am trying really hard not to regain the weight-I work out everyday and try very hard to watch what I eat.<P>What I am depressed about is the state of my marriage. I feel as if I am living under constant stress of what might happen next. My husband absolutely refuses any type of counselling. He thinks we can bury everything under the rug and just go on. He thinks if we talk about it that it brings up horrible feelings on both sides that leads to situations like that night a few weeks ago. <P>I know we need help desperately. I just don't know how to get us the help we need. I have done so much on my own, have gotten him away from OW and back home only to face this situation. It is way beyond my control and I really don't know how to fix it. The only recourse is to ask him to leave again until he is ready to get us the help we need. It will end in divorce if I go this route. I am not sure I am ready for that step yet.<P>Right now he is so loving - it is because he needs me. He apologized for not saying anything about my b'day when one of the kids said something to him. He said he is so drugged and out of it and will celebrate with me when he is feeling better. I was a bit distant with him yesterday and he really tried to reach out to me.<P>We are supposed to go to the beach this Holiday weekend with some friends. I am so looking forward to this trip. I am hoping it will give me a much needed break and I can discuss some of these issues with my friends. They have been through all of the events of the affair etc from the beginning and have provided invaluable support to me. They love my H but are very upset at his behavior. They will not confront him on any of this, they are waiting on him to open up to them. He never will - of that I am sure. He has so much pride and it kills him that everyone knows he has committed adultery etc.<P>Once again thanks for all of the responses. I will try to make my 40th year count for something.<P>NoMo<BR>

Happy birthday to you!!<BR>Happy Birthday to you,<BR>Happy birthday to you,<P>Sorry the wish is late!<P>Like everyone has said go and do something just for you, I like buying the birthday cake, I'd prefer the ice cream kind.<P>

Hi there-<P>I thought I could make you feel better by telling you about my 40th birthday.<P>My friend came up to the house and brought some wine coolers. My H was working in the hay fields so it was just her and me. We visited and drank a little bit. <P>Then she said she had to go.<P>Down the road a half a mile she sees my H. They both pull over. They kissed-she says how he pursued her but admits to asking him to kiss her.<P>Thus the beginning of the affair.Thus the end of my caring if I ever have another birthday.<P>This was 4 years ago June 16th.<P>D-Day anniversary is coming too close. June 1, 1999.<P>I hope your days go better!<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."<P>[This message has been edited by heartache (edited May 27, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by heartache (edited May 27, 2001).]