My WH and I had a less than terrific relationship before the A (suprise, right). Almost immediately after he was caught, OW decided to stay with her H, and my H decided he wanted to come home too (I'd moved him out). I was to hurt, angry, distrusting to have him back. I've gone back and forth and round and around!!!! I kept trying to get him to DO SOMETHING to reassure me that he wanted to come home for the right reasons (not discomfort where he's staying, save face, try to help her in her lying about A not really happening with people where they both work, etc.) He wouldn't ever DO ANYTHING I wanted him to. But, he comes around all the time, mostly loving, not much anger in responses to my questions, still says he wants back in with me. <P>My delemia (sp?): Pride (I know! it goes before a fall), Self-respect, fear of more harm to me and my daughter(she's pretty well adjusted after 4 mo. to Daddy not living with us) if we try and just wind up divorcing later. <P>H and OW are still seeing each other daily at work for a couple of more weeks, after that they'll have to make much more of an effort to continue communication. H won't do anything that would hurt OW's feelings, doesn't see the point since "that's over between them", "just friends, collegues." I think their relationship went from EA to PA back to EA. <P>When time of seeing and talking at work ends, I expect MAJOR WITHDRAWL or continuing relationship. Can I survive putting myself in danger by giving it my all and being there for him during this time or do I protect myself and hold back waiting for him to get over it!?!?!? And I guess unlying all of this is still...with the relationship between H and I having been what it was for so long...am I stupid to think if we are together, we'll do much better in the future. Right now, we both are motivated to not go back there, but will that motivation stay if I "give in" and he doesn't have to try to "win me back" anymore?!?!? <P>Am I fighting for something that can only be a dream or could we wind up with something wonderful til death do us part?<P>Share with me your experience please, especially on whether the motivation to build something much better than you had stayed long enough for it to happen.<P>

Hello GAJ, The motivation to become better is what I'm banking on myself and from what I've read in the last several months, the possibility of that happening is in our favour if we persevere. Go for it!

Terrified,<BR>Your name says alot about what we have in common. Thanks for the encouragement! <BR>Keep me posted on your progress...how long since your efforts began? Did you feel as torn as I do?

GAJ,<P>If "giving in" , "winning back" are major portions of your lexicon and thinking, I am afraid there isn't much hope for a better marriage. Please do read about Plan A, it isn't about "giving in", it is about you addressing things you "know" to have caused the marriage to be less than perfect in the place. The things you did or didn't do. You can only control yourself, but you will find that if you change your approach to things it is very likely that your H will change his also.<P>GAJ, this isn't combat or a sporting event, and "winning" is not the goal. A marriage and relationship that both of you enjoy is the goal. Please do read His Needs Her Needs and consider what you can contribute to making the marriage better.<P>I understand that you are bitter and hurt, but if you decide to read more here you will find the the betraying spouse has pain to deal with as well. A little empathy, a change in perspective, and throwing away of the ledger you seem to be keeping will go a long way to making you a happier person in hopefully a more satisfying marriage.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I'm pretty new here myself....but your subject caught my attention.<BR>Hope....it's a big word for me.<BR>Without Hope...there is nothing.<BR>My situation is somewhat similar. My H still works...to a point with the OW. He has said that he would like to have a friendship with her....so that there is no conflict at work....not so they could have a casual conversation...that is a big no-no. He is in a sticky situation....he can't completely ignore her at work since he is her boss until the 2nd shift supervisor comes in. 2 hours a day. She went in the day after my H broke it off and asked to go to a different shift.<BR>At first...he tried to get the 2nd shift supervisor to ride her hard so she would quit....but it didn't work.<BR>The break up was never really discussed between them...she called...he told her it was over...she asked him to come over and explain it...he said no...and she's asked others at work to ask him to tell them and then tell her and he's refused...not wanting to get others into it more than they already are....saying if she wants to know bad enough....she will ask him herself...which he says she hasn't.<BR>What makes my situation easier is that not only is my H's boss a friend...but my sister and my father both work there. My father right behind my H's dept so he would see anything that would go on. <BR>My H's first reaction to my father working there....."So...I have nothing to worry about because nothing is going on."<BR>So.....all in all...within all of my rambling.....HOPE is all one has to go on. Never expect....because one never gets exactly what they expect.<BR>When you lost hope....you lose sight of what your fighting for.<BR>

Your situation is much like mine. There is a fine line between being supportive and being a doormat. My H is constantly complaining that I am not being supportive enough and that he needs constatnt reassurance and "pumping up". He is the one who had the A. He doesn't acknowledge the pain and turmoil his A caused to the entire family. He has not apologized to me or shown remorse. I have gotten those things from the OW, however. I know their relationship is over. But I need reassurance that he will not run out and try to replace her. I am working so hard to be supportive and feeling nothing in return-- hence, I feel like a doormat.

If your H does come back, and his relationship with OW is for certain ending, then yes, he will be in major withdrawal. This is a 'back away' time for both of you. You will gain hope by posting on here, and letting your feelings out HERE.. NOT to him, not just yet. <P>If in your heart you have truly decided that you want your marriage to work, you should start learning as much as you can about plan A, and implement it! So much easier said than done, isn't it? Getting the book "Surviving An Affair" (SAA) will be most beneficial to you at this time. You can get a good portion of the info that's in the book on here, but by having the actual book, it will be far more clear to you as to what you need to do.<P>When it is apparent that H is in withdrawal, using your energy on plan A won't work (the part where you meet his EN's). He won't get it, and there's a great chance that it will push him further away. However, if the signs of withdrawal aren't in place yet (which means that there is still some form of contact with OW), then you can do some plan Aing. However, the part of plan A where you work on yourself, you do that constantly. You've already started, by coming here.<P>Here's where I need to take some of my own advice. Learn about Love Busters. Find out what they are for your H.. and avoid them at all costs!! This is to be done whether or not he is in withdrawal. This may be very difficult on you, but it's worth it in the long run. It may make you a doormat for a while, but as someone on here quoted Steve Harley in a post last month sometime, "If you knew that you would get a million dollars by being a doormat for a while, would you still do it?". If you really want to rebuild your marriage, then the answer to the question is a YES! It's tough, it's degrading at times, and your own self esteem will suffer.. but that's what this board is here for. We can all help you boost your self esteem, and get you back on track again, but we can only do that if you post. So keep 'em coming! grin.<P>Take care, and I hope that some of what I've written helps you out.<P>Karen<BR>

Thanks for the input guys(gals). I really think we'd be better off staying away from each other, at least for the time being. Yesterday afternoon, after reading what's here, I felt ready to do better in interacting with H. He's apparently having a hard time with the changes that are taking place with him and OW at work. H is packing up in preparation for leaving...OW has been told that she is going to be transfered to another location that she doesn't want to go to. H is angry and upset for her. Oh, by the way, all of these changes are coming about because of my interference in their professional lives. Apparently, according to H, I crossed over the line interfering in their <BR>professional lives. He's resentful and angry at what I caused. (Anyone else see the irony in that?!?!) <P>But anyway, H came over and we went for a short walk. I think we both clearly intended to be pleasant, but after only a few minutes we were on the topic that was utmost in our minds. And, as you might expect, it became unpleasant for both of us. It left us both feeling sad/unhappy. <P>Will we ever be able to spend time together and think about anything else!?!?! Oh, one thing I failed to mention, I also work for the same organization that they do, just in a different capacity. Maybe, maybe, maybe, when they're not working together daily anymore we'll stand a chance. <P>I'm feeling pretty down today...losing hope.<P>PS I've read both books recommended. I had loaned them to H and he kept them several months. I asked for them back and he brought them yesterday. I'm going to begin rereading them very soon (When I finish "Private Lies"). I remember how excited I felt when I first read SAA about 2 months ago...I thought, "We can do this!" But, I didn't get far then, maybe I'll do better now. <P>G. <P>