I continue to be confused by my W's behavior. So I want to ask you fine people your opinions. My W who had an affair (many of you have probably been following my story) says she filed for divorce last Monday. Now for the questions<P>1. How long should it take before I get paperwork? I think I am supposed to get a waiver but as of yesterday, I still have received nothing.<P>2. The suburban that my W drives had the alternator go out on Friday. She called me and told me about it and I went over on Saturday to replace it. Should I have done it?<P>3. On Sunday, my W asked me over for dinner and a movie with the family. When I got there, she had prepared one of my favorite meals, which takes almost 2 hours to prepare. Why would she do that?<P>4. Now the brakes need to be worked on on her vehicle. Again I told her I would come over and take care of it. Should I have done that?<P>Sometimes I feel like such a sap, but deep down I am still a nice guy and can't change.

You have to trust youself to do the right thing... I haven't read your story. I found out about my H's A and immediately filed for divorce. I shouldn't have acted so quickly. I tried to put the D on hold, but he found out (public access information on the internet) before I had a chance to tell him or have him served. Doesn't sound like your W is regretting filing, but if I were you I'd ask her straight out, face to face.<P>You should see papers by about 2-3 weeks in most states.<P>I assume you're not living together. Did she move out? Seems to me that once she leaves, she's on her own. Car problems, plumbing problems, the gammut. Sounds, though, like you left. Kids? Could they be the reason she's being nice? Maybe the kids are working on her. If the vehicle is the only way for her to transport the kids, I can see where you'd want to help. <P>Helping her out allows her to have the "life she wants" while she still gets "cared for" by you. Sounds like she's playing a power number on you-- she can get you to do anything for her... strokes her ego real well. That dinner may have been a peace offering, maybe just a bribe for brakes. I'd find out before I continued offering assistance.<P>I'm also in the "am I a doormat or just being supportive" mode. <P>Chin up. Think hard before you act. And don't fix the brakes at no cost to her.

Hi S&C,<P>There are divorce websites which show info by state. I will try to look those up. As far as your doing things for your wife, you decide that piece. If you are in plan A, then it is probably a good thing for you. If you are in plan B, it all depends. See there are no real right or wrong answers. It depends on your attitude and what LB points you are trying to protect. <P>I think if you feel you can help and chose to, what can she say? You are a bad H? Hmmm..... think not. So you rack up a few points in the love bank. Good. <P>As for her preparing you dinner, let her. You deserve it. Take up what ever good she sends your way. This may come in handy later. Always be gracious and kind as much as possible. Not sickening sweet though. Those WS's don't tolerate too much sweetness from the BS. <P>Take Care, not sure if this helped. <P>L.<P>

S&C,<P>1. I dunno.<P>2. Yes<P>3. Because she wanted you there.<P>4. Yes<P>Now, how did she treat you during dinner and the movie? Was this paybacks for the alternator? Did she mention the big D?<P>Keep being yourself if you're Plan A'ing. If she asks these favors frequently, don't be afraid to tell her you have "plans." Then disappear.<P>One thing I have learned is not to place too much emphasis on day-to-day acts. Remember, their brains have either been scrambled by aliens on the mother ship or they're full of moose brain worms.<P>WAT

Hi sadandconfused- so glad you posted today I was wondering what you have been up to! I posted a new question on this board myself tonite. My car is in the shop today needing brakes- gosh I could have called YOU! I cant imagine why you havent got the D papers yet. When my H filed on me last month they were served on me just 2 days later. He even had them served at noon when my preschooler gets on the bus so I'd be sure to be home when the process server came. EWW! I hate remembering it! For wks after I was afraid to answer the door again. Well take care! lifeismessy

<B>1. How long should it take before I get paperwork? I think I am supposed to get a waiver but as of yesterday, I still have received nothing.</B><BR>They are either served to you by a process server or she can get them to you personally and have you sign a waiver (which means you agree you received them.) If she sends them to you with the waiver & you don’t want a divorce, don’t sign the waiver. Not much she can do except have you served ($40-$50.)<P><B>2. The suburban that my W drives had the alternator go out on Friday. She called me and told me about it and I went over on Saturday to replace it. Should I have done it?</B><BR>Sure. Plan A. Shows her what a great guy you are even while she is divorcing you!<P><B>3. On Sunday, my W asked me over for dinner and a movie with the family. When I got there, she had prepared one of my favorite meals, which takes almost 2 hours to prepare. Why would she do that?</B><BR>She is unsure of how to handle it/may not truly want a divorce.<P><B>4. Now the brakes need to be worked on on her vehicle. Again I told her I would come over and take care of it. Should I have done that?</B><BR>Again, yes.<P>I think there are a few people around here who were told divorce papers were on the way, but nothing happened for a long time. She may have completed them but not actually filed them/told the lawyer to sit on them awhile. Who knows?<P>Get the facts NOW of what you may be up against in a divorce, ie. at least consult a lawyer.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Thank you all for your response. The general consensus is that I should be doing the work on the car. That makes me feel better. Most of my friends say that I'm too easy on her and that I should make hard. Unfortunately, I am a nice guy and its hard for me to do. <P>As for the dinner thing, she asked me to do that just minutes after she was upset with me on another matter and before she knew about the brakes needing to be worked on. The upsetting part about that evening was that part of the way through the movie, she got a phone call on her cell phone and after answering it went outside to talk (obviously OM). She couldn't even have the decency to call OM and tell him not to call or if she did, he didn't have the decency to NOT call while I was there. <P>As for the divorce papers, I still havent seen anything yet. People have told me it is only a matter of days, but I'm not getting my hopes up. As soon as I do that, I am guaranteed to find a lovely little surprise in my mailbox.<P>S&C<BR>