I don't know if its out of place for me to be posting, but I need help.. I am the one who made the life altering mistake of straying from and lying to my wonderful and beautiful wife. I can't begin to explain the pain and guilt I feel for what I did, but that is of little concern to me now. All truly want is to rebuild what we once had.<P>There are a million things that I want back, but right now, I simply want her to begin to trust me again. I know this will take a good amount of time and patience, but it seems the times I need her to believe what I say the most, she automatically goes into believing what she wants to believe.<P>In know all of this is my fault, but I need help in knowing what I can do to restore her confidence and trust in me. I have changed all of the things that led me down the wrong road. I guess my story needs to be told to get a more accurate response.<P>My wife and I have been married for a year and half now. Right after we wed, we found out that we were pregnant with our first child. This was unexpected, but wonderful news. The wonder of our first child sooned turned to tradegy when we lost her in our 6th month of pregnacy. And thus the cycle began. In our loss, we had a very difficult time finding any solace. With all the stress of a new marriage, attempting to graduate college, working and the loss of my baby girl, I turned to drugs and pornograph as an escape. A crutch to try to forget the pain and hurt that I felt. The drugs and pornograph turned into strippers and the unsavory underworld of adult world. All of this going on without the knowledge of my wife. But then the miracle of miracles happened. We found out we were pregant with our second baby, just a few months later. I vowed to clean up my act, both maritally, emotional, physically, and sexually. But I deluded myself into thinking my cravings and my mistakes would never come back.<P>And thus I strayed again. Six months into the pregnancy of our second child, I became very stressed and very worried due to our previous history of pregnancy, and just as I had strayed from the path before, I found myself in the arms of another woman. My continual cravings for an escape, for self immersion, led me down the wrong path once again. The affair was short lived however, before I realized the what I was doing and I again battled back towards my wife and my true happiness. On January 6, 2001 our son was born healthy and happy, I couldn't ask for anything more. And then the bomb hit. My wife found out about my detestible "other life". And thus began our battle with my lying and infidelity.<P>We have endured many arguements, many sleepless nights, many pleadings, and many horrible moments over the past 4 months, but ever so gradually things have gotten better. I understand the error in my previous behavior, but I don't know if my wife can seperate my prior bad acts from our life together now. We are continually revisting the past, we are continually battling over numerous trust issues, and many times we seem to be just spinning our wheels. However other times we make headway only to be derailed by our inability to communicate or her lack of trust in me. Which brings us to the present.<P>How do I make her believe in me again? There are numerous occassions when the most innocent intentions are seen as dishonest and deceitful, and she demand the truth. When the truth is told, she will not believe me because it is not the truth she can believe. For example, today I was trying to research some things dealing with couples and some things dealing with lust. In doing so I used the internet and search engines to find some information. Invariably some very objectional sites were returned during the search and I unknowingly selected 2 or 3 immediatly seeing they were not the type of site I needed to be looking at and had now wish to continue to view, so I moved along in my search. Well my wife checked the internet history and of course saw the sites I had visited only to jump to the conclusion that I was up to my old ways again. She asked me about it, and I tried to explain what I had been attempting to do, only to be told she didn't believe me. I am at my wits end. I tell her the truth and she won't believe me. However if I lied and told her I was looking at pornography she would.<P>I am sure I have rambled enough I just need advice on how to win here trust back. I try to give her no opportunity to distrust me again, but then this happens. I need help.

<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>Go to this site. It is a general welcome for all newbies. <P><B>Read. Read. Read. & then Read again all links on this site.</B> <P>You & your wife have had a very rough 2 yrs. Get some help. Call the Harley's or someone.<P>Read everything again. Remember time sometimes is the best healer.

.<p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

Welcome to the site. My H had an A 2 1/2 years ago and has been truly repentant and changed his life around right away. <P>The trust issues you talk about will take a very long time to come. I am just now begining to trust my H and still the doubt creeps into my head. It sounds like you realize what a mistake you made, but now it will take forever to repair. You can have an even better marriage, but it will take time and work. I didn't realize what 'marriage is hard work' meant until after my H's A.<P>To let you know a little of how she feels, this is how I felt when I found out...I felt I did not know this man I am living with, he lies and hides things so easily, what else is he hiding, he lies so easily I can't tell when he's lying or telling the truth so I assume everything is a lie, did he really have any feelings at all for me, how could he do this to me, how could he do this to our family, what was that tramp like, what did she look like, was she better than me, I had to know every intimate detail. I honestly felt and still do that if my H had died, it would have been easier than finding out he was unfaithful--at least I would have known he loved me. I put a wall around my heart so he could not hurt me again (which does not work anyway).<P>On to recovery. Always be completely honest--even if you screw up a little, and never ever hide anything, that is same as lying. If she finds out about something you did not tell her or finds out the truth to a lie (and she will), you will earn yourself a much much longer recovery, if the marriage can be restored at that point. Even when the truth will hurt, lies will hurt more. If you mess up, say even a thought toward the pornography, telling her will do more to prove your honestly than most anything, and having it out in the open should help it to go away.<P>Let her know of your whereabouts at all times. If you are going to be even 5 minutes late from work, call her to let her know and why. If you can call her at some point throughout the day. One thing that really stuck out at me is could you make sure she is always with you when you are on computer? Always be loving toward her. Let her know you found this site and share it with her if she is willing. There are a few on here where both H and W post (using different user names).<P>Read through this site, there is so much valuable information here. Read up on Plan A, do the questionares together on Emotional Needs and Love Busters--the answers may surprize you. And the answers may change in the future. If you share the site with her, it may mean a whole lot to her to know you are serious about fixing your mistake.<P>Above all else prayer works wonders. Good luck.

Hi M&F,<P>You are taking the right step towards repairing your marriage. Acknowledgment & repentance are steps in the right direction. <P>In addition to the information in the welcome post from Sing, take advantage of the books here: His needs/Her Needs, Surviving an Affair and Givers/Takers. There may be others better suited to your situation. <P>You are actually farther down the road of recovery than most of us. Share that with your wife. She is a new mother and going through manny hormonal changes right now. You will need to be even more understanding. The baby blues hit some women hard and having to deal with that and knowledge of your A is devasting. <P>Try to setup a phone counseling session with the Harley's. Steve or Jennifer are both good. You can learn about it by clicking on the 'counsel' tab under the marriage builders logo at the top of this page. <P>Also there are questionnaires that both you and your wife can take so you can each see where the other's emotional needs are and how to meet them. The loss of a child is hard and takes an emotional toll on everyone. You and your wife need to support each other on this trek. <P>See if your wife would be willing to take a look at any of the postings here. There are a few couples where both the H & W post. <P>You have come to the right place. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

I'm so glad that you're posting here. You have had a bumpy ride to say the least. <P>I'm not in a position to offer advice to anyone tonight but I had to tell you that my heart skipped a beat while I read your post. I thought for the first few paragraphs that you might be MY husband. You said the same things that he has been saying, and I have responded to him just as your wife has to you -- I can't trust him. There's so much fear in trust, vulnerability. <P>There's much to sexual addiction and infidelity in general that warns the BS to NOT trust the WS ever again. I wish I COULD learn to trust him, even a little, and just get on with our lives with our beautiful children. Maybe in time I will, and maybe in time your wife will as well. <P>Welcome, and thank you for coming here to share your story.<P>Snow

Dear Mistakes,<BR>Try not to blame your wife for believing what she chooses to believe in order to feel safe from being hurt by you again. Your actions probably took her off guard, so these are the consequences. I agree that it will take time for her to heal and get back to the place where she is not angry or distrustful of you, but if time healed, then God would be unnecessary. God can show you what you need to do after you take time to find out what her greatest emotional needs are.<P>I agree with very hurt that you should use the computer together with your wife. That's the best plan for now anyways. You are in for a long road of rebuilding and you have to be willing to give your wife as much time as she needs. You also need miracles, which are available today. We won't need miracles in heaven and there won't be any tears there, so why not have a bit of heaven here on earth! We're on our way there, we might as well enjoy the trip.<P>A pattern of wrong choices leads to a series of bad consequences. Now, you can make a series of good choices and reap a series of good consequences.<P>Sex is sex and lust is insatiable. If we were horny before we got married, we'll be dealing with horniness and lust after marriage, so fixing that part is about YOU. Trust and honor and respect has to be earned and that is where you will need God's help. Forgiveness will have to come from yourself toward yourself and your wife will need to work on her own issues, apart from you, ultimately getting what she needs from God. The wounds that you have caused, you cannot fully heal. Only God can. As you both seek God, He can restore and hold you together. Christ is the Healer. If we do what is pleasing in His sight, we can put all our expectations in Him instead of in each other to be for us what only He can be. God bless you and you're in my prayers. BE STRONG IN THE LORD!

Mistakesandforgiveness,<P>Thanks for your honesty and courage to reach out. You are definitely not out of line to be here.<P>During my EA with heavy physical involvement (no consummation though), my H admitted to visiting a couple porn sites. He didn't know what I was doing at the time but was grieved as he struggled with this as a young man and had victory over it for years. I asked for counselling after he disclosed this but he only laughed and said we were fine.<P>I know that OM was into porn. I caught something on his email once and the day I decided I must confess,the main thing leading me to the decision was I had this weird dirty dream where I felt evil everywhere and felt like I was starring in a porn flick. (I have never seen one)<P>There is so much help out there for you. Yes, it will take you a long time to persuade your W you have changed but you will succeed. I hope you are in counselling (sorry if you said you were..I am up way too late and should really be sleeping)and I hope you are finding courage to deal with any abuse or past hurts inflicted on you in the past.<P>Your situation is beyond my knowledge but I hope just hearing from another WS helps you know there is help and hope to forgive yourself and a strong possibility of renewing your love with W.<P>trust me, you will find your dignity restored. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start