Yesterday afternoon he bought me lunch at work and told me that he told the woman back home that anything intimiate between them would be destructive and although he would like to be her friend (catch up every now and then on what is going on in their lives) that meeting each other would not be a good thing. He still wants to go see his grandparents (which I agree, he hasn't seen them in 2 years and we are transferring even further away. He told me he doesn't ever want to not speak to her again but that it won't be intimiate, etc. etc.<P>He wants us to move together, work on our problems together (I can get very emotional, he can be very, very cold sometimes) and he says he wants things to be like they were before all the conflict (health problems, his ex-wife's harrassment, stepfamily issues, etc.).<P>I love him, I want to trust him, he means the world to me but he has really, really shattered my heart.<P>My therapist thinks I should make premature decisions about my marriage and that the move will do us some good because we are going somewhere we are looking forward to being and the problems with his ex and children won't be a day to day thing.....<P>I want to make the right decision. I just don't want to hurt anymore.<P><BR>

Good for you and your husband. <P>"My therapist thinks I should make premature decisions about my marriage"<P>My perspective about this is that you reacted correctly for the way your husband was acting. You husband has been having an "emotional affair". And he was getting very close to consumating it physically. By leaving, you let him know in no uncertain terms that this was unaceptable to you. Don't beat yourself up on this. Perhaps it was premature to believe that your marriage was over, but I believe that was a natural reaction.<P>You said that you want to trust him again, that you don't want to hurt anymore and that the two of you want to work on your marriage.<P>I would highly suggest reading the information on this web site and Dr. Harley's books, maybe to start with "Surviving An Affair". Then moving on to "His Needs, Her Needs", "Love Busters", and so on. The knowledge and perseptive my husband and I have gained from these books have saved our marriage.<P>I've always heard that marriage is hard work. I'm in my third marriage now - believe me I know it's hard work. However, I never knew what work I was supposed to be doing. After reading the Dr. Harley books and the material on this website, now I know. My husband has read the books too. Now we are following what we have learned. Because of it, our marriage increadable. This does not mean that we don't have problems, we are in recovery from his multiple affairs over the last 2.5 years. But we are connecting in a way we never knew was possible. I'm not sure that I'm saying all of this very well.<P>With time and the proper "work" the pain you are feeling will go away and your marriage can be wonderful again. Keep coming to this forum. The people here are wonderful. They've helped over the rough spots.<P>Keep us posted.<BR>Z

Oh... I am another one here who votes for you to change your name. You are not 2nd Best. You are "The Best".

Has he made any Solutions/Suggestions on how you are to trust that he will not see this woman? How are you to know that this complete 180 is not just telling you what you want to here. Also, yes he told her that if anything intimate were to happen it would be destructive and that meeting each other would not be a good thing. But did he say that he is NOT going to see her? WS have a way of turning a sentence to mean something that it does not, or OMITTING important information, thinking that omissions are not a lie.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 2nd Best:<BR><B>he told the woman back home that anything intimiate between them would be destructive and ... that meeting each other would not be a good thing.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, as trying2_4give so correctly points out, what is painfully missing in your H's words above is any evidence that he <B>will not do</B> these "destructive" and "not good" things.<P>It's very sweet of him to realize that these things are wrong. But my bet is that he is still planning to do them.<P>Remember, there's rarely stopping a WS in heat, one who can smell the kill (OK, maybe this is a poor choice of words, but you get my drift).<P>Ever skeptical,<P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited May 23, 2001).]